10.34 a.m. I am struggling to keep my eyes open during our work team meeting. Last night I was up late messaging Kevin – the guy who winked at me on my dating app, earlier in the week.
Kevin, 35, a plumber, has his own business, drives a huge van, is solvent, owns his own house and possesses a hot tub in his back garden. He is looking for something serious and hates infidelity, as his last girlfriend cheated on him. Kevin’s hobbies are socialising, five a-side football and taking selfies of himself in his hot tub. As you can imagine Kevin is ticking a number of my relationship boxes.
Kevin also has a …saucy mind and his messages have got cheekier as the week has wore on. I must say that I am impressed with his vivid imagination.
Tonight Kevin and I are going to be going on our first date which makes my heart race every time I think about it. We are planning to meet in the Red Lion pub in town for a few drinks. In light of our racy messages I am not sure how we are going to control ourselves.
10.45 a.m. I am stifling a yawn as Martin rabbits on about the new office stationary ordering process.
“We can tell” murmurs Neil, making everyone smirk.
11.33 a.m. My phone bleeps. Its a message from Kevin. It reads ‘Morning sexy!’
An army of butterflies swarms into my chest and I can feel my cheeks starting to heat up at the thought of Kevin, who I must say looks divine on his photo, (in his hot tub), short black hair, a tanned face, piercing dark eyes and a broad chest.
12.06 p.m. I am on my lunch break and I am tottering at speed up the high street. There are a few things on my shopping list:
- Purchase some bright red lipstick as Kevin says he likes women who wear loud lipstick.
- Purchase some new shaving cream as some areas of my body are resembling a rain forest.
- Collect my new contact lenses from the opticians. Today I am ditching my glasses, which Matilda says make me look like one of her older female teachers. I have decided to become a contact lenses wearer which is very exciting.
- Purchase new bottle of shampoo which Shaz claims makes your hair look and feel like one of those models off the TV adverts.
1.23 p.m. Sat at my office desk checking my horoscopes. Mystic Clive is my favourite astrologer and his predictions can make or break daily life for me. I try to listen to his astrological advice as he is nearly always right. I grab my phone and check out today’s Gemini horoscope. I am praying he says ‘Kiss the face off a tall, dark and handsome stranger tonight!’
Oh….Mystic Clive is saying ‘Have some control today as things have the potential to get out of hand’. I did not plan to have any control over my emotions tonight. Now I am feeling agitated. Mystic Clive has just dampened my dating spirits!
1.56 p.m. Hold urgent counsel of war meeting with Maeve and Brook from Accounts by the drinks machine.
“We left our meeting for you Rpxy – what’s up?’ asks Maeve, giving me a serious look.
“You know I have date with a hot plumber tonight called Kevin?” They both nod.
“I was going to go and enjoy myself but Mystic Clive says I should have some control today” I say, showing them my phone horoscope.
An awkard silence descends upon us. I flick back to Kevin’s photo on my phone.
“It won’t be easy” says Maeve staring at Kevin. “Those speedos leave nothing to the imagination do they?”
Brook shakes her head before saying. “I would struggle!”
“Do you really trust Mystic Clive’s predictions?” asks Maeve.
I nod. “He’s never wrong!”
“Do you like Kevin?” asks Brook.
Maeve exhales louldy and stares at Brook. She points to my phone. “What is there NOT to like about Kevin – Brook? He’s good with his hands, he’s tanned and he has a hot tub!”.
“oh yea!” says Brook and flicks her eyes to the floor.
“Roxy if Mystic Clive has this sort of hold on you than you need to listen to him. You never know this could be a significant change in yoyr dating game plan” says Maeve.
“Whats your current dating game plan?” asks Brook.
Maeve leans in and whispers “Derek!”
“Oh yea!” says Brook.
“So what do I do?’ I ask.
“You play hard to get tonight” says Maeve. “And by doing this you control your emotions!”
I nod and turn to see Marcus the senior manager striding past us to get himself a drink. He gives me an awkward look. Things between Marcus and I have not been the same that kiss over the photo copier.
Maeve smiles at Marcus. “Roxy’s seeing a plumber tonight!” He raises his eyebrows and walks off carrying his drink.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks Brook.
I look away and visualise Kevin and I sat in his hot tub sipping Martinis.
Maeve places her hand on my shoulder. “Roxy, Kevin could be the one! Mystic Clive could be doing you a favour by getting you to stay in control”
6.12 p.m. In the shower make important decision to follow the advice of Mystic Clive and the girls from Accounts. They are right. I need to act cool and calm with him.
6.45 p.m Swan downstairs with goofy smile on my face. Kevin has just messaged to say that he thinks I am probably the most attractive woman over 35 that he has dated..this year.
6.55 p.m. Enter downstairs toilet to put in new contact lenses. Its time to transform into Roxy the contact lenses wearer.
6.57 p.m. Am in eye agony. They don’t feel right.
Hold crisis meeting with Matilda over contact lenses as my eyes start to stream.
“What am I going to do – these don’t feel right. I can’t wear my glasses” I whimper.
“You just need to get used to them” says Matilda scrolling through her phone.
“I look like I am crying!” I exclaim checking my reflection in the hall mirror.
“Males like the emotional female look” says Matilda, still engrossed with her phone.
7.30 a.m Meet Kevin outside the pub.
Euphoria rockets up my spine at the sight of Kevin. He’s tall, dark haired and his tanned skin is almost a mahogany colour. Oh my goodness I want to kiss him.
I remember Mystic Clive’s words – repeats to myself I must stay in control.
“Hello Kevin” I say in a bright and breezy voice.
He smiles before leaning to plant a delicate kiss on my cheek. “Hello sexy!” he whispers.
I let out a little whimper. Repeat in head “must stay in control!”
8.10 p.m. Kevin and I are sat at a little table near the bar. I have managed to keep my distance. Its not been easy or enjoyable as I am fighting huge urge to throw myself at him. Worryingly I am drinking like a fish.
“I find you very attractive” says Kevin.
I smile and wish my eyes were not stinging like crazy. If I am honest being a contact lenses wearer is not all that its cracked up to me.
“Why are you crying?” he asks with a look of concern. I watch as reaches out to gently wipe away a tear from my cheek. He places his warm hand over mine and says “I feel emotional about us too Roxy”
I just nod. I don’t want to ruin his dream with my contact lenses issue.
8.35 p.m Kevin is telling me about his previous girlfriend Sarah who ran off with a neighbour whilst Kevin was in bed with a bad back.
“Infidelity hurts Roxy!” he says with a voice thick with emotion.
“Oh I know Kevin” I say, recalling the pain I went through with Rob and the blonde bar maid.
“It took me months to get over Sarah” he mumbles. “Seeing her with new man broke my heart plus it took a long longer for my back injury to heal”.
“Its awful” I say quietly.
Kevin turns to me. “Its great to have found someone who shares my strong views on being unfaithful”.
I nod blinking away tears of contact lenses pain.
He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. Oh God he smells divine! I must stay in control.
“You seem reserved tonight” he says, taking a strand of my hair and gently placing it behind my ear. “I am worried Roxy!”
Oh no I have made him anxious! His tanned face looks troubled. Curse Mystic Clive and drain glass of wine.
9.01 p.m. Kevin has gone to the bar and I am staggering to the loo. My eye pain has intensified. Something is wrong with my contact lenses. Its time to take drastic action. I remove my contact lenses. The world might be a little bit foggy but at least I won’t be in pain.
I can’t stop thinking about Kevin. He is Mr Right in so many ways. We understand each other on so many levels. Oh God he’s what I have been searching for!
This keeping control business is like some form of dating torture. I don’t think I want to play hard to get anymore.
I must go to him and show him
I am tottering at speed out of the loos.
There are a few men stood at the bar. I can’t make out faces but I feel drawn to the one at the end. Oh Kevin!
I race over, cup my hands around his cheeks and kiss him hard on the mouth.
“What the…?” says a shocked male voice. “Who are you?”
“Thats just what I want to know Gavin!” says an irritated female voice.
“Kevin?” I say, wishing I could see more than a vague outline.
“No its Gavin” whimpers the male voice.
“And I am his WIFE! Can I ask why you are snogging my husband?
“Roxy?” says an agitated Kevin. “What do you think you are doing?”
“Oh Kevin I thought he was you!” I say reaching out for who I think in Kevin.
“I am sorry Roxy but I don’t think is going to work!” says Kevin.
“No!” I cry. “I am new contact lenses wearer and I have been having problems with them”
“I bet she says that to all the strange men she kisses!” snaps the female.
“Goodbye Roxy!” says Kevin.
“Kevin please stay!”
“No Roxy you are bringing back images of Sarah and my back has started to hurt!”
Kevin leaves and I am left standing at the bar.
“Come on Gavin let’s get away from this….woman!” says the female voice.
As Gavin is led away I hear him whisper “great kissing by the way!”