The Diary of Roxy Collins – Supermarket Attraction #comedy #vampire #chicklit


Monday

6.08 P.M. The kids and I are stood arguing in the frozen food aisle of the supermarket. We are doing the weekly shop.

My pregnant best friend Shaz is here with us, but she has wandered off, letting us fight out our issues.

Matilda, my teenage daughter, and I are having a heated debate about whether she is old enough to read the latest steamy vampire book series to hit the shops. Shaz and I are both addicted to these books.

Since breaking up with Dan, over Christmas, I have thrown myself into the fictional arms of a handsome but arrogant vampire with a pale face, strange eyes, a good fashion sense and some impressive fang action.

Going to bed early with my book has never been so pleasurable.

6.10 P.M. I am good at parental multi-tasking so whilst arguing with Matilda, I am also shouting at Harry about his refusal to eat any form of frozen vegetable and I am cross with Toby, for asking the store manager where the toilets are for his imaginary friend, Malcolm.

6.12 P.M. Matilda has just informed me that she has secretly read the first book in the steamy vampire series.

Apparently there was nothing in there about steamy stuff that she didn’t already know about.

I try to stay calm at this revelation by sticking my head in a food freezer cabinet and counting to ten.

6.13 P.M. Harry says he hates my cooking and has just asked the other two for their views.

Everyone, including Malcolm, the imaginary friend hates my cooking.

6.14 P.M. Matilda has just announced that she has also secretly read the second book in the steamy vampire series.

The steamy scenes in the second book come rushing back to me.

The thought of my teenage daughter reading that stuff makes me stick my head in a second freezer cabinet (this time containing frozen turkey burgers) and take some deep breaths.

After I have regained some composure I send Matilda and her brothers off to get some unfrozen vegetables.

6.15 P.M. Shaz appears.

‘They say you can find romance in a supermarket. Keep your eyes peeled Roxy’ she whispers, looking up and down the freezer lined aisle.

‘I’m sticking to fictional characters from books and films for my romantic needs’ I say, chucking some boxes of frozen turkey burgers into my trolley. They look like decent burgers, easy to cook and there is a promotional price offer on them.

It feels like God wanted me to have an emotional breakdown in a supermarket food freezer cabinet so he could point out a food bargain to me.

‘Why?’ whispers Shaz, staring at all the boxes of frozen turkey burgers in my trolley.

‘I have had enough of real relationships’ I say. ‘My vampire crush does not have an attractive female best friend and he is around whenever I need him. He also does things to me with those fangs!’

Shaz shakes her head at me. ‘You should be getting back out there Roxy, life’s too short to be wasting it on some silly books’ she whispers.

‘Did I tell you I have the fourth book in the series at home?’ I whisper to Shaz.

‘Noooooooooooo way!’ screeches Shaz, making everyone in the frozen food aisle look at us.

‘Yea way!’ I exclaim. ‘That author has taken it to another level with the you know what bits. I didn’t think vampires could be so hot!’

Shaz gasps and I give her a wink.

‘I take it Sharon you don’t want to read it as life is too short!’ I sigh throwing another box of frozen turkey burgers into my trolley for good measure.

‘I am getting it off you tonight and cancelling lunch tomorrow with my mother’ Shaz says inspecting one of my boxes of frozen turkey burgers.

‘What age can babies eat these Roxy?’ she asks.

6.16 P.M. Matilda comes racing up to Shaz and I.

‘Have you seen that bloke in the vegetable aisle Mam, he looks like that vampire from your book!’ she says gasping for breath.

6.17 P.M. We are pushing the trolley at high speed towards the vegetable aisle.

6.18 P.M. We are all stood at the end of the aisle trying to look inconspicuous.

Shaz points to the handsome man at the end by the cucumbers.

‘Check him out! He looks like that vampire from our books Roxy’ she squeals causing a few shoppers to give her odd looks.

A woman carrying some apples overhears us and giggles to Shaz ‘are you reading those books too?’

‘We can’t put them down!’ says Shaz.

‘Me too’ sighs the woman carrying the apples. ‘The things he does when his fangs appear ……my husband doesn’t get it!’

‘You want to tell him to buy some fake fangs’ says Shaz.

A dreamy faraway look appears on the woman’s face.

‘Guess what?’ says the woman after a moment of silence. ‘That author is doing a book signing in town next week’.

‘OMG really?’ Shaz screeches. ‘Roxy we have to go!’

‘I will be the first in the queue’ says the woman with the apples and returns to her trolley.

We all go back to staring at the man in the dark coat.

‘He has the pale face, sexy eyes and he’s avoiding the garlic Mam’ pipes up Matilda. I glare at her.

6.21 P.M. Whilst casually inspecting some courgettes I catch a glimpse of this vampire look alike.

He notices me and gives me a smouldering stare whilst holding up some radishes.

Oh my goodness he looks like a vampire!

6.34 P.M. We are all leaving the supermarket with a trolley full of frozen turkey burgers and a mobile number from Sam – the handsome vampire look alike from the vegetable aisle.

‘You won’t be needing the rest of those books now you have a date with Count Dracula!’ shouts Shaz as she heads for her car.

She’s giving them all to me Aunty Shaz!’ shouts Matilda.

‘Mam’ says Toby tugging on my arm. ‘Malcolm is stuck in the supermarket toilets, we have to go back and help him’.

‘I hate turkey burgers!’ says Harry.

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I am a blonde writer of romantic comedy fiction.

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