9.45 A.M. The author of my favourite steamy vampire book series is doing a book signing in town.
I have booked the day off work as I need to meet in person this amazing author. I would never have guessed that the tale of an evil but very sexy male vampire would bring so much pleasure to my life.
Shaz, my best friend, and I are obsessed with these books.
Here is a list of the things we have stopped doing whilst reading them:
Talking about anything else when we get together.
Spending our evenings on Facebook.
Spending time on Facebook commenting on which vintage of cheap rose wine we prefer.
Spending time messaging each other on Facebook whilst sitting in the same room.
Lusting after men without fangs.
Eating garlic – why scare away hunky male vampires?
To my dismay word has got round that I am going to the book signing and as a result I am now taking with me:
Great Aunt Vera – an unexpected secret fan of the books, who has informed me that books 1-4 in the series, (my Christmas gift to her) went down a treat in her nursing home.
Matilda, my teenage daughter, who has sworn she has ‘free study periods’ at school for the day. Plus read the entire series and told me none of the steamy scenes shocked her.
Shaz, my pregnant best friend who hopes the postman, who got her pregnant, dumped her for the blonde up the street, is one day attacked by a pack of vampires.
I am stuffing Great Aunt Vera, her wheel chair and her collection of walking sticks into my landlord’s car.
Matilda and Shaz are in the back checking out the author’s Facebook page.
9.20 A.M. We set off.
I haven’t got out of the street when Great Aunt Vera starts making comments about my poor driving skills. Ignore and carry on.
9.29 A.M. From the back of the car Shaz says ‘we must make a good impression when meeting this famous author’
‘Why?’ asks Matilda.
‘These authors give you a part in one of their books if they like you’ Shaz gushes.
‘But the characters in our books are all cold, calculating and very attractive’ I say.
9.50 A.M. Great Aunt Vera is busy applying lipstick, Matilda is applying lip gloss and Shaz is smothering on a pungent smelling lip balm. I am driving.
9.51 A.M. Great Aunt Vera has moved onto powdering her nose, Matilda is applying mascara and Shaz is rolling on layers of deodorant. I am still driving.
9.59 A.M. Am trying to park my car but failing miserably.
I wasn’t born with the ability to reverse, sad but true.
Great Aunt Vera is shaking her head and sighing loudly.
Matilda has just informed me that the mother of her friend Louise is much better at parking than me.
10.03 A.M. Arguing with Great Aunt Vera and Matilda about my parking abilities.
10.15 A.M. Great Aunt Vera has just wound down the window and apologised to the small crowd of onlookers, stood watching me perform my 45th attempt at parking into a space.
10.23 A.M. We are stood in the queue in the bookshop.
The author is at a table at the front meeting and greeting her readers.
Great Aunt Vera is in her wheel chair interrogating me on my love life.
Shaz informs Great Aunt Vera that I have a date tomorrow night with a guy, called Sam, who looks like the sexy vampire from our books.
‘Where is the hot vampire taking you on your date Roxy?’ she asks unwrapping her fourth Snicker bar of the day (a pregnancy craving).
‘The supermarket?’ jokes Matilda. ‘Nobody on Facebook believed my post about my mother pulling some vampire look alike in a supermarket ‘
‘You put that on Facebook?’ I find myself shrieking at her.
‘And the video I filmed of you going up to talk to him by the radishes. It got over 50 likes Mam!’ she exclaims.
Try to stay calm and not think about who viewed that video on Facebook.
‘All the parents on the school PTA liked it and Louise’s mum shared it with her yoga group’ says Matilda.
‘So where is he taking you Roxy?’ asks Great Aunt Vera.
‘The cinema’ I say still glaring at Matilda.
‘OMG he’s luring you to dark places Mam, you are dating a proper vampire!’ screeches Matilda, causing other vampire book fans in the queue to look round at us.
‘Will you be nervous about snogging him?’ asks Shaz wolfing down her chocolate bar.
‘That will be a first for our Roxy, being nervous about kissing a man’ says Great Aunt Vera shaking her head.
10.56 A.M. We finally reach the author’s table.
She greets us all with a warm smile and offers to sign our books.
‘Can I just say your books are amazing!’ gushes Shaz. The author smiles and signs her book.
‘I have fallen madly in love with your main character’ I say. The author smiles and signs my book.
Shaz steps in front of me and says to the author, ‘she (points to me) loves your books so much she swooped down on some poor innocent bloke in the supermarket, who looked just like your main character!’
The author raises her eyebrow at me and moves onto Matilda.
‘I love your books so much Mam (points to me) let me bunk off school to come here’ gushes Matilda.
The author’s smile fades as I glare once again at my daughter.
The author turns her attentions to the sweet looking, little old lady in a wheelchair – Great Aunt Vera.
‘Your books have brought a lot of happiness to a nursing home full of old women my dear’ says Great Aunt Vera smiling at the author.
‘Oh really? That’s so nice to hear’ gushes the author, grinning from ear to ear.
‘My great niece bought me the set for Christmas’ said Great Aunt Vera. ‘She thought they might be too risqué for me but I thought they were quite tame.’
‘Oh’ says the author signing Great Aunt Vera’s book.
‘Doris, who used to sit next to me at afternoon teatime in the nursing home, read your books too’ sighed Great Aunt Vera.
‘Great’ says the author.
‘I let her borrow them one day when she was feeling under the weather. Her blood pressure was up’ sighs Great Aunt Vera.
I hear Matilda groan behind me and see Shaz distance herself from us.
‘Doris enjoyed your books so much, my dear, they had to call her a doctor. She had a funny turn, whilst reading the love scene in book two!’ announces Great Aunt Vera to a chorus of gasps behind us.
The author looks bewildered. ‘Oh I am so sorry to hear that’ she says.
Sensing trouble both Matilda and I try to pull Great Aunt Vera’s wheelchair away.
Great Aunt Vera grabs the table and leans over to say ‘I never liked Doris as she pinched shortbread biscuits that didn’t belong to her during teatime. She thought I could forget about something like that!’
‘Oh’ says the author, her smile replaced with a look of horror.
‘Your books worked a treat on Doris. She won’t be stealing anymore of my shortbread biscuits. Keep up the good work my dear!’ says Great Aunt Vera in her sweetest voice and giving the author a friendly wave.