6.10 P.M. I am getting ready for my first date with vampire look alike – Sam. The guy I met in the supermarket, by the radishes.
6.11 P.M. Toby and his imaginary friend Malcolm are quarrelling with Harry out on the landing. I can hear shouts and scuffles.
‘What is going on?’ I say opening my bedroom door to two tussling boys.
They both stand up immediately.
‘Malcolm said something bad about me’ cried Harry.
‘Malcolm is imaginary Harry’ I say.
‘Apparently I like the girl up the street’ he says stepping away from Toby, who is now grinning.
‘Toby is this true?’ I ask my youngest son.
‘Malcolm said it Mam, I wasn’t involved’ says Toby, raising his hands to show his innocence.
‘He’s your friend and he’s very annoying!’ snapped Harry.
Toby exhaled loudly. ‘Malcolm speaks the truth Harry. You follow her around at school and when you are stood next to her in the queue for the canteen you talk rubbish. Malcolm says this means you like her!’
‘Toby can you stop saying things about your brother?’ I say firmly.
‘It wasn’t me Mam!’ protests Toby, smirking at Harry who gives him a shove.
‘Harry!’ I screech.
‘Mam, Harry said he liked sprouts when he was in the queue for lunch today’ jokes Toby.
I give Harry a hug. ‘I always talk rubbish to people I secretly like’ I say recalling many scenes from my own love life.
Matilda, my teenage daughter, emerges from her bedroom. She’s been locked away working on her latest homework project with her new, handsome, sixth form friend, Tim.
‘What’s going on?’ she says. ‘Tim and I are struggling to do our work’.
I notice her ruffled hair and flushed cheeks. I tell myself that some homework projects are quite challenging mentally and physically.
‘Malcolm has been saying stuff about me’ says Harry.
‘What about you liking that girl from up the street?’ says Matilda.
Harry storms off into his room and slams the door.
6.45 P.M. Shaz, my heavily pregnant best friend, has arrived to look after the kids whilst I am on my date.
She’s clutching the latest book in our steamy vampire series.
‘This one’ she says raising the book, ‘is the best book yet!’.
‘Really? Better than book two?’ I ask. The author has not come close to recreating the steaminess of book two.
‘I haven’t been able to put it down, I’ve spent the day lying on the sofa reading and eating Snickers bars.
‘Isn’t that what you normally do?’ I ask applying some red lipstick.
‘Very funny Roxy’ says Shaz sitting down at the table. ‘You better get off for your date with the vampire?’
‘He’s not a real vampire’ I say shaking my head.
‘Just be careful’ says Shaz.
7.15 P.M. Sam is waiting for me in the cinema when I arrive:
A couple of things spring to mind on first glance at him:
He’s stood in a dark corner of the cinema ticket area.
His face is very pale.
He’s wetting his lips a lot with his tongue.
He doesn’t want anything to eat.
I am not jumping to any wild conclusions but I think he might be a real vampire.
7.16 P.M. Fear takes hold of me. The reality of being in the presence of a real vampire hits me.
7.17 P.M. Whilst Sam is telling me about himself I catch sight of Marcus, my Senior Manager from work.
The one who I snogged like crazy, against a photocopier, at a Christmas party and the one who has avoided me like the plague on social night outs.
Must not think about that kiss.
7.18 P.M. Marcus is stood next to a young lady.
I know he’s on the dating scene.
Everyone at work knows he frequents the dating sites. He thinks it’s a secret but little does he know that a large group of females in the office spend their lunch break scrutinising his dating profiles.
On drunken work nights out all the females secretly play ‘kiss, marry or have night of unbridled passion’. This is a really fun game. One of us comes up with the names of three males from work and we each have to say what we would do with them, if we had the chance. Let’s put it this way Marcus is rarely kissed or married. Everyone it seems wants just one night with him.
I stare at them, they look like they are on a first date too. He is looking awkward, shifting his weight from foot to foot whilst she talks at a super fast rate. Blimey I am not even sure she’s taking a breath.
I catch Marcus’s eye and he looks away quickly.
Relief floods through me as it looks like he’s going to watch the same film. At least there will be someone who knows me in the cinema should Sam the vampire get thirsty for my blood.
I find myself wondering whether Marcus would save me from the hands of an evil vampire.
He did email me earlier this week to say that he liked my latest business report.
Apparently my report took him on a journey. I ignored the bit at the bottom of his email.
The feedback about how they are meant to be business reports and not something from Mills and Boon. He said the members of the finance committee are not harbouring secret feelings for each other.
7.20 P.M. Sam and I walk into the cinema theatre and find some seats at the back.
I make sure I keep an eye on where Marcus and his date sit in the theatre, 5th row from the front on the left hand side. This will be useful info for when Sam’s fangs appear.
Luckily the theatre is half full and the row that Marcus and his date are on is practically empty.
8.12 P.M. The film has started and I can feel Sam’s arm brushing against mine.
Normally I wouldn’t mind this but I can’t stop thinking about him being a vampire.
8.30 P.M. These vampires don’t waste time on dates. Sam has placed his arm around my shoulders and is stroking my arm. He’s a fast worker.
I am gripped with fear.
8.45 P.M. I think he wants to either kiss me or sink his fangs into me. I can feel his cold breath on my neck.
I say farewell to my kids in my head.
8.50 P.M. His lips brush against mine and for a split second its almost enjoyable.
He then starts to nibble my lip with what feels like a pair of fangs. I sit bolt upright in my seat. I don’t want to die and I have been told I have a great neck.
My heart is thudding. I must get away from this….vampire. I must find Marcus. Yes!
‘Sam, this is not right’ I say.
‘What?’ whispers Sam sitting up and removing his arm.
‘I’m sorry I have to go’ I say.
My love of vampire fiction is over. It’s only when you sit next to a vampire in the local cinema that you realise vampires are not for you.
‘Why?’ whispers Sam, ‘what’s wrong?’
I watch his eyes glow in the dark. I know what he is and I don’t find it attractive.
‘I’m sorry, I have to go’ I say rising from my seat with trembling legs.
8.53 P.M. I race down the cinema steps in a fluster.
‘Marcus help me!’ I shriek, causing everyone in the cinema to moan and ‘shhhh’ at me.
‘What the…’ I can hear his voice.
I find his aisle and race towards him.
The seat next to him is empty. I dive into it and try to stop shaking.
‘Oh Marcus’ I say, ‘save me!’
‘Who is this?’ demands his date.
‘Errrrr’ says Marcus staring in horror at me.
‘He’s my hero’ I say, smiling sweetly.
‘Erm’ says Marcus.
‘This is not working for me Marcus’ says his date. ‘I am off!’
We both watch her grab her bag and leave the cinema.
9.08 P.M. Marcus and I are stuffing our face with popcorn and enjoying the film.
He’s calmed down now after I ruined his first date.
‘I didn’t really like her’ he whispers. ‘Thanks Roxy!’
‘Anytime Marcus’ I whisper.
Then, following family tradition I lose control of my mouth.
‘Let me know if you need anymore photocopying doing!’