2.44 P.M. It’s Great Aunt Vera’s birthday. She has invited the whole family to her nursing home for a birthday party.
We are all slumped on chairs, around a long table, covered with the remains of a party buffet.
I have just stuffed my face with food. When Aunt Sally puts on one of her famous birthday party spreads I lose all sense of control.
My online dating apps have gone quiet on me. There has been no traffic for weeks to my dating profile pages. I have not had a wink, message or an email for ages. I have therefore made the decision to become a plump spinster.
2.45 P.M. Just thinking about my favourite astrologer, Mystic Clive, and his prediction for today. According to him I will meet someone ‘tall, dark and handsome.’
I tweeted him earlier with #nochance in view of the birthday party.
As Shaz said to me before I left ‘Roxy you’ll be hard pushed to find some dating opportunities in a nursing home for the elderly!’
Finding love again seems so far away for me at the moment.
2.46 P.M. Great Aunt Vera is not in the best of moods. She is currently arguing with her friend from the nursing home, Betty, over a crossword answer.
No one has the heart to tell Great Aunt Vera that she is wrong (it’s her birthday) and Betty doesn’t mind a screaming match, so we are letting them get on with it.
Matilda, my teenage daughter, is busy talking to her life mentor, my cousin Maggie, about her latest boyfriend issue.
I keep telling myself that it’s good Matilda has someone to confide in, although some of the things being discussed are making me feel uncomfortable.
If I am honest my hell raiser cousin Maggie is probably not the best person to give Matilda advice on men.
My two boys are racing around the room, happy and high on sugar icing.
2.47 P.M. An orphaned cream cake is waving at me from the buffet table. I am looking around to see if anyone is watching. I am rising from the table and…
Great Aunt Vera has stopped arguing to ask ‘Roxy do you have something to announce?’
I give her a puzzled look.
‘Do we know the lucky father Roxy?’ asks Uncle Bob, sat in the corner with a ridiculous party hat on his head.
Everyone is staring at my bulging gut.
Oh my goodness they think I am pregnant!
The only baby I will be having is one made out of buffet food.
2.48 P.M. Sit back down with glum expression on my face and sulk.
Decision to become plump spinster overturned.
Decision to stop reading Mystic Clive’s horoscopes made.
2.50 P.M. Great Aunt Vera’s argument is getting worse and Uncle Bob taps me on the shoulder.
‘Do you fancy taking her for a ride around the nursing home in her chair?’ he asks looking at Great Aunt Vera’s angry red face.
‘Yes I can do’ I say, rising to my feet.
Exercise is just what I need at this point in my life. Great Aunt Vera is quite a weight and pushing her up and down nursing home corridors in a wheel chair will be like a mini cardio workout.
‘A break from Betty might do her good’ I say.
Uncle Bob grimaces and goes to inform Great Aunt Vera.
2.55 P.M. Just stopped pushing Great Aunt Vera to wipe my sweaty forehead.
Am out of breath (already) and I think my face is reddening. This is not a great look for a redhead like myself.
2.56 P.M. Great Aunt Vera is pointing at fellow residents with her walking stick as we pass, letting me know who she likes and dislikes.
‘I have never liked her!’ says Great Aunt Vera, gesturing at a little old lady hobbling along the corridor.
‘That’s not very nice Aunt Vera’ I say.
‘She tries to turn over the television when Downton is on Roxy!’ exclaims Great Aunt Vera, angrily shaking her stick in the air.
2.57 P.M. Stood gasping for breath in one of the corridors. I don’t think I can carry on and I may have to die here.
Great Aunt Vera is busy making comments about my fitness levels.
At the end of the corridor I catch sight of a tall good-looking man pushing an elderly gentleman in a wheel chair.
He turns to look in my direction from down the corridor, smiles and my heart skips a beat.
Mystic Clive’s Gemini horoscope comes rushing back to me. Gasp!
Shaz’s comment echoes through my mind.
Then to my dismay the handsome stranger vanishes.
2.58 P.M. Life is full of opportunities, you just need to look out for them or in my case chase after them.
I am now pushing Great Aunt Vera’s wheelchair at speed along the corridor.
If this works out I may need to tweet an apology to Mystic Clive.
I may also have to tell Shaz she was wrong about the dating opportunities in nursing homes for the elderly.
‘For goodness sake Roxy, if we go any faster my bowels will start playing up!’ screams Great Aunt Vera.
‘Just a little bit further’ I say preparing to swerve Great Aunt Vera around the tight corner.
‘Brace yourself Aunt Vera!’
‘Have you been drinking again?’ shrieks Great Aunt Vera, gripping onto the chair, as we sail around the corner.
In between wrestling with the wheelchair at speed and avoiding a near miss with the afternoon tea trolley, I catch a glimpse of the tall man going into the day room.
3.00 P.M. We race into the day room with me panting loudly and Great Aunt Vera gasping.
The man I caught sight of is standing looking at me.
He is slim built with black wavy hair and a smile that makes me feel a bit light-headed.
‘Hello there!’ says Great Aunt Vera to the little old gentleman in the wheelchair opposite. She has a sweet tone to her voice, which I have not heard for a long time.
‘Hello you two’ says the handsome one, standing behind the little old gentleman, who I think looks a bit scared of Great Aunt Vera.
‘I am Jake and this is my grandfather Donald’ he says. ‘This is his first day here!’
‘Very nice to meet you Donald!’ purrs Great Aunty Vera. ‘Why don’t you sit next to me tonight whilst Downton is on!’
I stare in horror at Great Aunt Vera gazing longingly at sweet old Donald.
‘I’m Roxy’ I mumble to Jake.
‘Nice to meet you Roxy’ he says grinning at me and my heart skips a couple of beats.
‘Careful!’ says Great Aunt Vera to Jake, ‘this one (pointing to me with her walking stick) is wild!’
3.15 P.M. Both Great Aunt Vera and I return to the family party with smiles on our faces.
3.17 P.M. Ignore Matilda’s request to go to Greece on her own with my cousin Maggie.
Sit down and tweet Mystic Clive – #neverdoubtedyou