The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 25 The Ex-Boyfriend #ChickLit #comedy

 

Tuesday

6.54 P.M. I have summoned a ‘Dating Council of War.’ My new relationship with Jake is on my mind.

Shaz and I are sat on my sofa, working our way through a box of Cadbury’s Milk Tray whilst assessing my dating predicament.

‘Jake seems petrified of me’ I say, recalling our last date where I practically forced him to hold my hand and kiss me.

I turn to Shaz who is devouring a Strawberry temptation chocolate. ‘Are you listening to me?’

She nods with a mouthful of chocolate. ‘Jake’s lovely looking, wears decent clothes and he seems nice but every time we are together he has this ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ sort of look.’

Shaz frowns before saying, ‘I can’t think why he’d be scared of you Roxy. Maybe he just wants to take things slow.’

I roll my eyes at her. ‘We have been on three dates and we’ve only given each other a peck on the lips. Nothing else!  There has been no passionate snogging and no sweaty fumbling.’

Shaz turns to me, her eyes widening. “You have had your third date and there has been no sweaty fumbling?  Sorry Roxy, I didn’t realise things were so bad. Crikey this is new territory for you.’

I take a Fudge Duet from the Milk Tray box. ‘Ok so I admit on our first date Matilda went missing and things got a bit stressful. On our second date he arrived when both Jon and Rob were collecting the kids. Rob made a joke about Jake being lucky number three, which no one found funny. But on the third date everything was fine…well almost fine.’

Shaz gestured for me to go on.

‘I tried to devour him in his car, which he didn’t like and one of his neighbours knocked on the window as she thought he was being attacked.’

I watch as Shaz shakes her head. ‘That doesn’t sound good. Listen have you had the conversation yet Roxy?’

The conversation is a key dating stage and one that I dread. Basically you ask your date whether you are officially an item.

If they agree, then you both close down your dating apps,  spend at least three nights a week with them and update your status on Facebook.

In my experience when I have asked the question to my dates, about whether we are an item they usually respond in one of the following ways:

  • I receive a nod (very rare!)
  • I receive a blank look and a noncommittal shrug.
  • They make a swift change of subject and avoid eye contact.
  • All texts from them stop as well as all other forms of communication. (Sadly very common)

This conversation screams ‘I want commitment!’ and can send them running for the hills.

‘Do you want your relationship with Jake to turn into something more serious?’ asks Shaz, licking chocolate from her fingers.

I sink into the sofa. ‘He’s got lovely big hands, he drives a large estate car and he’s got no female best friends. I also think he’ll love the kids, once he gets over his fear of them.’

Shaz casts me a puzzled look. ‘He’s scared of your kids too?’

I nod. “He refers to them as wild.’

Shaz grins. ‘Yes he’s got a point.’ She picks out another chocolate. ‘Maybe this shy thing is a sexy ploy and on your next date he’ll suddenly turn into that bloke out of Fifty Shades.’

I pop an Orange Truffle into my mouth and consider Shaz’s suggestion. ‘I should be so lucky! Have you ever been out with a shy man?’

Shaz shakes her head. ‘Roxy – can you imagine me dating a shy man?’

I can see her point. ‘Maybe if I have the conversation with him and confirm our couple status he might change?’

Matilda, comes to join us in the lounge.

‘Matilda should your Mam have the conversation with Jake?’ asks Shaz.

‘Dunno. He’s a bit quiet for Mam’ says Matilda, flicking through one of her glossy fashion magazines.

‘Your Mam thinks he’s scared of her’ laughs Shaz.

‘Boys are scared of me’ says Matilda, letting out a sigh. ‘It must run in the family!’

I give Matilda and a knowing look. ‘Tim, your sixth form friend doesn’t seem scared of you’ I say, remembering catching sight of Matilda kissing him on the doorstep the other night. I had to restrain myself from chucking a bowl of cold water over both of them and yelling at Tim to leave my angel like  teenage daughter alone.

‘Oh he was Mam!’ she gushes. ‘He took a lot of persuading’ she sighed.

‘TO DO WHAT?’ I shriek glaring at her.

In my head I reassure myself by saying ‘all teenagers exaggerate!’

‘Must dash, homework calling!’ Matilda says scooting upstairs.

7.56 P.M. A message suddenly appears in my Facebook messenger app. I gasp and Shaz, in a panic, reaches for a bag of wine gums.

‘OMG it’s from Dan!’ I say with a look of surprise.

Dan. The handsome guy who I met in Greece whilst trying to persuade my hell raising cousin Maggie to return home.

Our romance came to an abrupt end shortly after I was introduced to his beautiful, but evil, best friend, Clara

‘He says he is in the area Friday night and wants to meet up’ I say casting Shaz a worried glance.

Shaz glares at me. ‘Stay away from that rat!’

‘He says he misses me’ I mumble.

Shaz snatches the phone out of my hands. ‘Roxy, Dan was a total rat to you. He messed you around so much you had to shove a cake in his best friend’s face.’

I take my phone back from her. ‘I know but…..’   Shaz waves her hand at me. ‘No buts Roxy, you cannot get back together with Dan. No!’

‘He says he’s changed!’ I groan, staring at his second text.

Shaz raises her hands in exasperation. ‘They all say they have changed. It’s the postman’s favourite line when he comes knocking at me door with my gas bill. I know he says that because the blonde on the new housing estate found out I was expecting his baby and kicked him out.’

I can’t stop the happy memories of Dan and I in Greece flood my mind. ‘He deserves a second chance.’

Shaz grabs hold of my arm. You have the conversation with Jake ASAP!’

‘What…really?’

‘Once you have the conversation with Jake everything will fall into place’ Shaz says. ‘You will be in a relationship and away from that loser.’

I think about what Shaz has just said. ‘You are right. If Jake says we are a couple I will not see Dan.’ I try to ignore the way my heart starts to gallop at the mention of his name.

8. 13 P.M. Shaz is urging me to call Jake and have the dreaded conversation. She can sense I am wavering. A couple of times she’s caught me staring at Dan’s texts.

‘Do you think it’s too early to have the conversation?’ I ask.

Shaz gives me one of her scary best friend faces. ‘DO IT!”  ‘It’s never to early Roxy!’

Dan sends me another text making me jump. ‘Oh he says he can’t stop thinking about my wobbly bits.’

I hear my best friend let out a cry of frustration. ‘The postman tells me he can’t stop thinking about my Beyonce walk into the bedroom but I know he’s just creeping back because he has nowhere to live.’

‘Your Beyonce walk into the bedroom?’ I raise my eyebrows.

Shaz smiles. ‘I put on some heels and strut my stuff just like Beyonce did in that ‘Crazy in Love’ song. I look like I mean business.’

I scratch my head. ‘Maybe I should try that on Jake?’

Shaz places her hand on my arm. ‘Let’s get over the shy bit first.’

Wednesday

1.25 P.M. Jake and I finally speak on the phone. I am feeling brave so I ask him.

Would you say we are a couple now Jake?’ I ask casually, crossing my fingers and toes.

He goes silent on me and then changes the subject. The phone call ends shortly afterwards.

Thursday 

12.34 P.M. Jake is acting odd.

Communication has broken down between us.

12.35 P.M. Dan sends me a flurry of texts telling me what he’d like to do to me if we were alone together. Sweaty fumbling is guaranteed.

12.45 P.M. Start dating discussion with half the office in the canteen at lunch. I am swayed by Julie from Accounts, she explains how she went back to her ex boyfriend, married him and now lives in a fancy four bed roomed house on the nice side of town.

Under the table I text back and agree to a date with Dan.

Friday

7.45 P.M. I am on my way to meet Dan. Earlier I lied to Shaz and told her I was going to meet Jake. This is the first time I have lied to her about a man. I guess I am desperate for a four bedroomed house on the posh side of town and a sweaty fumble.

There has been no word from Jake. Once again having the conversation has ruined my dating life.

I grip the bus seat in front. Who wouldn’t want commitment with me? I am a fiery redhead with a big heart, a love of singing Cher songs, three kids and some wobbly bits.

8.20 P.M. Dan looks hotter than ever in a fitted navy shirt and blue jeans. He’s been working out as his arms look thicker and muscular. I can’t stop staring into his eyes and that boyish smile of his making me feel hot. Oh my goodness what a stunner!

I have just drained my glass of wine and reminded myself that he’s my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart.

8.24 P.M. He says he’s really missed me and wants me to be his girlfriend again.

Order second glass of wine.

Dan clears up the old issue immediately by announcing that Clara is in a serious relationship and he hardly sees her.

8.36 P.M. Dan smells divine. I am struggling to stop leaning into him.

Must regain control of myself.

8.45 P.M. I can’t stop looking into Dan’s eyes. Why do ex boyfriends do this?

Decide to hold back and assess the situation tomorrow in the cold light of day. The thing with Jake is still on my mind. I am going to resist hunky Dan. Yes – good idea Roxy!

Order a third glass of wine to reward myself for my sensible thought process.

8.47 P.M. I am kissing Dan like crazy. I hate making dating decisions that I cannot stick too.

11.15 P.M. Just enjoyed a sweaty fumble in a taxi with Dan. He wants to see me again and is going to book us a fancy hotel.

Feel a twinge of guilt for Jake.

11.16 P.M. I am tottering up my garden path and my phone has just bleeped. It’s a text from Jake:

‘Yes I do want you to be my girlfriend x’

Silent scream!

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I am a blonde writer of romantic comedy fiction.

30 thoughts on “The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 25 The Ex-Boyfriend #ChickLit #comedy

  1. Oh no…and this is why I love The Diary of Roxy Collins. It is real, that has happened to lots of my friends and me once upon a time. Like buses, you wait for ages for one then all of a sudden three or four come along. lol

  2. What is it they say? It never rains but it pours? It seems that Roxy’s got a guy to choose and very quickly. But would Roxy be happy with a guy that’s terrified of her?
    Always love Roxy Lucy – keep them coming! 🙂

  3. You are a master of illusion, Lucy–despite being married for maaaaannny years, Roxy kind of makes being single–at least with friends like Shaz and excursions to Greece (ooh-la-la!)–seem pretty alluring. Whom would you choose to play Roxy and Shaz, WHEN this is televised, dramatised, and/or filmed?

    1. Hey Leigh! I have been married since the dawn of time so Roxy is a little bit of enjoyment for me 🙂 lol!! In terms of someone playing Roxy it would have to be Christina Hendricks from Mad Men.

  4. Oh dear, I don’t know which one to root for. Not much is known about Jake at the moment so who knows what skeletons he has in his closet, but Dan has Clara, and what happens when her”serious relationship” ends? (Note that I’m sceptical about the relationship.) I don’t envy Roxy the choice.

  5. Jake shouldn’t have taken so long and why can’t Roxie show a little self discipline? She needs to drink water or coffee and lay off the wine. Just my 2 cents worth. What is that the equal to, for you?

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