Welcome to my weekly blog comedy series ‘The Writing Club’
This series follows the emotional highs and lows of a local writing club who meet regularly at Alfie’s Coffee Shop.
The writers trooped into Alfie’s Coffee Shop.
Matt, Writing Club leader, stood up to ask Alfie whether he had a WiFi code.
‘One of the writers is doing something a bit different’ said Matt, shifting his weight awkwardly from one foot to another. It was clear that he wasn’t entirely comfortable with what was planned.
Alfie was curious and a little nervous. These writers were an odd bunch and the words ‘doing something different’ worried him. He wrote down the code for Matt on a scrap of paper and glanced around the coffee shop. Luckily it was empty, apart from the writers.
Matt tapped his spoon against his cup of coffee and waited for everyone to stop talking.
‘Where’s Tina?’ asked Moira, the romantic fiction writer, staring at the thriller writer’s empty seat.
‘I will explain’ said Matt, before taking a deep breath.
Everyone, including Alfie, turned to listen to what Matt had to say.
‘Tina has started writing a new thriller. She’s decided the Chick Lit world is not for her’ announced Matt, before taking a swig of coffee.
‘As part of the research for her new book she has..’ he stopped and wondered whether he should carry on.
‘Come on Matt!’ urged Moira, bobbing up and down with nervous tension. Richard, the military fiction writer, edged his chair away muttering something about Moira.
Matt took a deep breath and reached for his phone. ‘Tina’s book is about someone being held prisoner’ he explained.
They all watched him tap something into his phone.
‘Two days ago Tina asked her boyfriend to lock her away’ Matt announced.
A few writers gasped, a few raised their eyebrows and Alfie shook his head.
‘Fair play!’ gushed Moira. ‘When that writer puts her mind to something she really goes for it!’
‘Really?’ shrieked Darcy. ‘My research consists of going on Tinder but I would never get someone to lock me up!’
‘Bet her boyfriend is getting a bit of peace’ said Karl the comedy writer, causing Richard to nod in agreement.
‘We are going to FaceTime Tina live from her attic prison and she can reveal all’ explained Matt holding up the phone.
‘I hope she knows what she is doing’ said Darcy looking concerned.
‘When Grimes was taken prisoner’ announced Richard, referring to his late main character. ‘He was put in solitary confinement and it left me feeling out of sorts. I had to go back on my stomach settlers!’
All eyes flicked from Richard to the phone, as Matt made contact.
Tina’s face came up on the phone. She was sat in an old attic wedging a large piece of biscuit into her mouth.
‘She’s ok!’ sighed Moira, wiping her brow. ‘She has her biscuits!’
‘Hello Tina’ waved Matt.
‘Hi Writing Club!’ said Tina, trying to swallow the biscuit whilst waving frantically.
‘Welcome to my attic prison!’ she cried.
‘HOW…ARE…YOU…MY…DEAR?’ shouted Moira.
‘I am fine Moira’ said Tina cheerfully. Moira gave the table a puzzled look.
‘Its FaceTime Moira’ explained Karl. ‘Tina’s not on Mars!’
‘So Tina, do you want to tell the Writing Club what you are up to?’ asked Matt, gesturing with his arm to the rest of the table.
‘Well folks’ announced Tina. ‘This is how I am researching my latest book. I am learning what it is like to be kidnapped and locked away!’ she gushed.
‘You mean you are living in your attic?’ questioned Darcy, leaning forward to get a closer look at Tina’s surroundings.
‘No Darcy’ replied Tina. ‘I got my boyfriend, Keith, to do a mock kidnap in the supermarket car park, after we had done our weekly shop’
An awkward silence descended upon the table of writers. Richard shook his head, Karl looked away and Darcy stared blankly at Matt’s phone.
Moira broke the silence. ‘What do you mean by a mock kidnap Tina love?’ she enquired.
‘Once we’d put the eggs, the fresh meat, our cereals, my pure apple juice and bread in the car boot I gave Keith the command’ explained Tina. ‘We had a bit of a fake tussle, which we have been practicing for weeks. He then ordered me into the back of the car and drove me home in silence. I might add he drove without listening to Talk Sport on the radio. Once parked he pulled me out of the car and ordered me into the house’ she gushed.
‘Just like a real kidnap then’ said Karl nodding at the rest of the table.
‘What happened next Tina love?’ asked Moira, with a look of concern on her face.
‘Keith tied my wrists up before going to get the shopping out of the car. Once he’d put the shopping away in the correct cupboards he opened up the attic. I admit getting up the safety ladder with my arms behind my back was tricky but Keith was there to support me. Once up in the attic Keith said some bad words to me, just like an evil kidnapper would, and left’ she explained.
‘What were the bad words he said to you?’ asked Karl.
Tina shook her head. ‘I can’t say!’
‘Are you able to go to the toilet up there?’ enquired Stacey, the horror writer.
‘Keith has fitted a portable loo up here so yes. Its not very comfortable but I have to tell myself that this is all in the name of book research’ said Tina.
‘What about food?’ asked Richard.
‘Three good meals a day on a tray, plus regular tea and coffee’ replied Tina. ‘I couldn’t go through all this and starve!’
All the writers nodded.
‘So Tina, has it helped you with your book?’ asked Matt.
‘Yes Matt. I have asked Keith to not be very nice to me when he drops off my meals. I want him to be an authentic kidnapper. So he says some pre agreed things about my personality and slams the attic door behind him’ she explains. ‘I am feeding all my fear and terror into the book’.
‘Are you writing whilst you are up there?’ enquired Darcy.
‘Yes, I have my laptop on the go’ replied Tina. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without WiFi, thank God for Twitter!’
‘Would you get access to WiFi if you had been kidnapped?’ questioned Karl.
‘Karl!’ snapped Moira. ‘Isn’t this writer suffering enough? (Pointing to Matt’s phone). Not allowing her WiFi would be taking book research a step too far!’
This was my entry into this week’s Blog Battle.
The word this week was pure.
The genre was comedy.
If you want to read other entries or enter this fierce international battle please head over to Rachael’s blog which is here.
For more Writing Club stories please click here.
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/15639842@N00/4169875084″>Where do I start</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a>