8.17 p.m. Keith, my boyfriend, has just arrived home from work, after a twelve-hour shift at the factory.
I am sat on the sofa trying to contain my excitement. My entire body is trembling and tears of happiness are already welling up inside my eyes.
He shuffles into the living room, yawning loudly.
‘Keith’ I gush. ‘I have some really big news!’
‘You’re pregnant?’ he asks, a look of concern spreading across his face.
I shake my head.
‘You’ve got an interview for an amazing job?
‘I have an amazing job, I am a full-time writer’ I remind him.
‘You have come into some money?’ He asks, his eyes starting to sparkle.
I exhale loudly and he scratches his head whilst looking puzzled.
‘You’ve had your first sale on that book series you published last year?’
‘Like I told you, every writer has a bad book inside them. I am very different to other writers as I had a bad book series inside of me’ I explain.
Keith yawns. ‘I don’t know what else it could be?’ he says, before plonking himself onto the sofa.
‘Ok….my news is writing related!’ I shriek, leaping up from the sofa.
Keith groans and shakes his head.
‘I got an amazing new idea for a book this afternoon. It gave me a big rush and I had to lie down for a bit!’ I gush.
Keith is still shaking his head.
I continue at speed. ‘Then I came up with the idea of researching it. Guess what? I am going to live out the story through the eyes of my main character!’ I shout.
‘Oh please no!’ whimpers Keith.
‘Yes! You are going to kidnap me in the supermarket and keep me prisoner in our attic for a fortnight!’ I say proudly, wiping away tears of joy that are now streaming down my cheeks.
Keith is sat doing a great impression of a rabbit caught in headlights.
‘Just think of how much insight and emotion I can feed into my book!’ I say, feeling breathless and dizzy.
Tuesday 7.20 p.m. I don’t waste time on my writing projects.
Keith and I are stood in the middle of our living room.
‘Ok let us practice the kidnap which will take place in the supermarket car park. When I give you the nod I want you to grab me and shove me into our car’ I say, staring at Keith who is stood beside me. ‘Pretend the sofa is the car!’
Keith leads me gently to the sofa and gives me a little push onto it.
‘Ok Keith, some feedback for you. I want you to really grab me and maybe lift me into the car’ I say, enjoying my new role as stage director.
‘I am not sure I can do that….I mean you are…….’ mumbles Keith, rubbing the small of his back and staring at my waist.
‘I am light as a feather Keith!’ I snap, before recalling my last weigh-in at my Slimming Club.
Ok so I have put some weight on but what is a couple of pounds between two people, destined to be married and who are looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together?
‘Do we have to do this? Can’t you just read some books about people who have been kidnapped?’ mutters Keith.
I let out a loud sigh before saying ‘I am an amazing writer because I do things properly. Now will you stop moaning and LIFT ME into our car!’ I demand pointing to the sofa.
9.13 a.m. Sat in the Doctor’s waiting room with Keith.
I was too busy in character mode to hear his back snap, as he lifted me into the makeshift car.
What he didn’t realise was that once I was in the air I was going to transform into my character. Good writers are always flicking in and out of character mode.
Looking back I don’t think he expected me to start kicking, screaming and struggling to break free.
The crushed coffee table is now a sore point for both of us.
10.30 a.m. Keith and I pushing our trolley around the supermarket.
He is busy checking out the prices of beer whilst I am mentally preparing myself for our mock kidnapping.
Sat up half the night writing him lists of all the things he needs to do whilst I am living out the life of my main character, locked away in an attic.
He has reminded me that he did live by himself for three years prior to meeting me, so he does know that on a daily basis he needs to wash, shave, apply deodorant, place all his dirty laundry in the basket, make the bed, feed the cat, eat and go to work.
I have written him a detailed schedule for looking after me whilst I am being held prisoner. He says that he will do his best to bring me my meals on time, make sure I have clean clothes everyday, provide a good supply of teas and coffees and ensure the heating is kept on, so I don’t get cold up there.
Plus I have also produced a very detailed list of all the ‘bad things’ he’s allowed to say to me, whilst playing the role of an evil kidnapper.
There are some ‘no go insult topics’ for him. He’s not allowed to say anything about:
- My mother.
- My weight.
- My hormonal cycle.
- My biscuit addiction.
- My writing.
- The fact that I have not had a single sale on my book series.
- My choice of wallpaper in our bedroom.
- My cat – who he doesn’t like.
- The fact that I am a full-time writer who doesn’t earn a penny and who spends most of her writing days sat on Twitter.
11.05 a.m. We have loaded the shopping into the car and I have given him the nod.
In view of his back we have decided to just have a tussle up against the car, involving him grabbing my jacket and being a bit rough.
Immediately I leap into character.
‘Get off me you evil kidnapper!’ I scream, beating him with my handbag.
11.55 a.m. We are driving home in silence.
I am trying to forget about being surrounded by the supermarket security team who were concerned for my safety. I did enjoy announcing that I was a writer though.
12.54 p.m. I am in my makeshift attic prison and waiting patiently for Keith to bring me up some lunch. My stomach is groaning and I just hope he has been generous with his servings.
1.36 p.m. Still no sign of Keith or my lunch.
I am so hungry I am getting weak. My fried breakfast this morning now feels like a distant memory.
2.45 p.m. Still no sign of Keith or my lunch.
3.09 p.m. He appears with a tiny sandwich and some water.
‘What is this?’ I shriek, pointing to this mouse sized lunch.
He lets out a loud sigh before saying ‘tough!’ and walks out.
‘Keith!!’ I scream.
As he locks the attic door up he shouts ‘I think I am going to enjoy playing the kidnapper role Tina!’