2.00 p.m. I am taking some deep breaths. Keith, my partner, is giving me some odd looks.
As film director of my book trailer video I am responsible for getting the most out of my actress; Melanie (Keith’s new darts partner from the pub) and creating a visual treat for my readers.
I consider myself to be a film expert, I may not have studied film making but I have watched a lot of TV box sets, have a monthly cinema pass and created a lot of unnecessary drama in my life.
A door slams downstairs and interrupts my train of thought. I notice Keith smile to himself.
“Who is that?” I ask Keith.
“It’s my mum” he announces, looking relieved about something.
I let out an inner groan. Keith’s mother, Pamela, always stifles my creativity. She is the last person I need on my makeshift film set.
Melanie squeals “I can’t wait to meet your mum Keith!”
2.03 P.M. Pamela is stood at the doorway to the attic, carrying a plastic tub of food.
“Some curried beef mince for you all!” she says, waving around the tub of brown gooey liquid.
“Hello Pamela, nice to meet you!” gushes Melanie, tottering over to Keith’s mother. “I am Melanie, Keith and One-eyed Bob’s darts team mate!”
Pamela smiles and then looks Melanie up and down taking in her pink stilettos, minuscule brown leather mini skirt, leopard print vest and bright red lipstick.
“Oh Pamela that looks nice!” squawks Melanie pointing to the tub of curried mince.
“It’s Keith’s and Tina’s favourite dish Melanie” gushes Pamela gesturing towards Keith and I. “I like to make sure they have a good supply!”
My neck and shoulders stiffen with Pamela related agitation. When God was handing out culinary skills Pamela was not at the front of the queue. It was a dark day for us all when she stumbled upon the recipe for curried beef mince.
“Thanks and see you later Pamela!” I say pointing towards the door.
“Tina, Keith tells me you are making a film. If this is the case I need to be here!” announces Pamela, crossing her arms and standing firm.
“I think I can film my own book trailer video!” I say guiding Melanie over to the chair.
“Tina I am not leaving!” barks Pamela.
“Keith will you please escort your mother out of the house” I snap.
Keith ignores me and stares at something in the ceiling.
“Looks like I’m staying!” announces Pamela with a look of delight.
2.56 p.m. Melanie has been tied and gagged to the chair for sometime.
No matter how much I urge her to act like she is desperate to escape from the chair she insists on winking at Keith and giggling.
I am getting frustrated. Margaret the cat senses my annoyance and starts to prowl around Melanie’s chair. It makes no difference.
3.05 p.m. “Melanie” I say trying to remain calm. “This is not a comedy!”
3.34 p.m. “For goodness sake give me the camera!” screeches Pamela.
“Get off!” I shout as Pamela tries to grab my camera. “I am the film director Pamela!”
We tussle over the video camera for sometime. Keith looks away.
“I am sick of watching this circus! Now get her out of the chair and go sit on it yourself!” growls Pamela, snatching the camera out of my hands.
3.42 p.m. I am being tied and gagged by Keith.
Pamela is holding the camera and smirking at me.
“Right then Tina” says Pamela, looking around the attic. “Let’s see whether we can make you angry!”
I squirm in my chair. My heart is beating fast.
What is that annoying woman going to do to me?
Pamela goes over to my draft novel ‘Beautiful & Kidnapped’, picks it up and starts to read.
Anger bubbles inside of me at the sight of Pamela turning over the page.
I watch Pamela’s smirk disappear. It is replaced with a look of intense concentration.
“This is quite good Tina..” she murmurs.
That is it! My rage erupts inside of me. I am sat in this silly chair, unable to move, and my annoying mother in law to be is reading my AMAZING new novel! Aghhhhh!
I knew it was a bestseller. No one has been listening to me. I know what I am doing when it comes to serious fiction.
I thrash about and try to break free from the chair.
“Bingo! This is the look we want!” shouts Pamela quickly pointing the camera at me.
3.51 p.m. I am seething! Pamela is busy reading my draft book whilst Keith is showing Melanie how to throw an imaginary dart.
The camera is still rolling.
3.56 p.m. “Mum do you think we should let her go now?” asks Keith.
Pamela is too engrossed in my draft novel to answer.
3.57 p.m. I am finally set free. I charge over to Pamela and grab my draft book out of her hands.
“That is sooooo good Tina!” gushes Pamela. “I want to read more about evil but incredibly handsome Frank!”
I roll my eyes and check the film.
Fair play to Pamela she has captured an emotional young woman struggling to break free from being tied to a chair.
“This is better than I expected!” I say watching Pamela smile.
Keith is still showing Melanie how to throw an imaginary dart. After catching Margaret the cat’s eye I escort Pamela out of the attic and close the door.
7.23 p.m. Today has worked out well. I am going to be starring in my own amazing book trailer and I have had some positive feedback from Pamela.
“I am in so much pain!” yelps Keith from the sofa. “That cat doesn’t like me. It will take weeks for the claw marks to heal!”
“Melanie escaped. She ran into the street screaming. How did you manage to get out?” I ask, thinking back to the secret enjoyment I got from watching Melanie totter at high speed out of my house.
“Mum’s tub of curried mince. I opened it and waved it at the cat. The foul smell made it pass out!” says Keith.