Welcome to my new weekly fictional series – Heaven Calling.
Writing novels is hard and sometimes a writer needs to have a break. This is like a mini break for me. I miss creating a fictional blog series and getting the chance to write a new chapter each week.
This is meant to be a comedy but I am sat here wondering whether anyone will find it funny. If it tanks I will just have to write something else. Sigh.
It will be out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.com.
Check out part 1 below.
I hope you enjoy getting to know Camilla and Gerry.
Heaven Calling – Part 1
I stuff the gigantic piece of chocolate fudge cake into my mouth, whilst at the same time letting out a soft moan of cake pleasure.
Anna, my angel assistant, looks up from her harp and smiles. “I can tell you’re enjoying the heavenly chocolate cake today Camilla.”
Finger dotting several crumbs from the corner of my mouth I nod in agreement. “Simply divine Anna. I still can’t get over the bit about calories not counting up here. This is one of the many things I love about heaven.”
Anna returns to her harp and I am distracted by Gabriel, the handsome blonde angel, striding towards me.
“Oh Gabriel,” I murmur taking in his sea-blue eyes and trying to hide the blush spreading quickly over my cheeks. “I think I need a little nap after all that cake. Will you fan me to sleep with those magnificent white wings?”
Two years ago I woke up and found myself in heaven. During a heated phone call with my husband, Gerry, about a number of troubling family issues I collapsed and died. After years of telling my family that one day my pretty little head would go pop with all their drama, my prediction finally came true.
The phone call lasted sixteen minutes. Gerry listened to me complain about his obsession with his new sports car, our two teenage children, who insisted on only communicating with me via text at the dinner table and receiving my mother’s tenth email of the day, about the unsuccessful herbal treatment for her bowel condition. When the line cut off (as I fell to the floor) Gerry assumed I had hung up on him. This was a familiar occurrence for him so why would he worry?
I would just like to say that my out-of-body experience, as I passed over, was not great. Whilst floating up towards the ceiling I looked down to see Luke, my teenage son, lying across the sofa, listening to his heavy metal band’s latest track. As I started to get a rush of affection I saw him catch sight of my two feet poking out from behind the chair. Without removing his headphones he rolled his eyes, rose from the sofa and sauntered off to his bedroom. Later I would learn he’d assumed I was trying out a new yoga pose to calm my hormones.
My death was discovered later by Gerry, who also assumed my two legs sticking out from behind the chair were part of a new yoga routine. After being home for a good half hour he asked me seven times what I had planned for his tea. On getting no reply he exhaled loudly, shook his head and decided to investigate.
A disturbance wakes me from my dream. I can hear angel voices, tinged with panic. My staff are concerned about something.
When I was alive I enjoyed managing people both at work and at home. I love delegating stuff and getting my own way. So it was only natural that I talked God into giving me staff. He put up a good fight at first, telling me about how teams of angels are only reserved for people who have achieved great things on Earth.
I gave him one of my frosty glares and explained that I had done some remarkable things when I was alive. This was quickly followed up with one of my examples; I had singlehandedly cooked a mouth-watering buffet for 20 golfing wives from the golf club. During the buffet we raised a lot of money for charity by running our own designer handbag auction. This was a strategically arranged lunch date, which took place during the voting for the club golf captain position. I had nominated Gerry for captain, even though he hated the idea.
Gerry took great pleasure in telling me that only the men on the team would be voting and the wives would have nothing to do with the final decision. I informed him that the men from his golf club were heavily influenced by their wives. He shook his head and announced he would never be influenced by me. I smiled as he carried on painting our bedroom a beautiful dusty pink colour.
In the kitchen whilst performing this culinary miracle, I informed my daughter, Lizzy, that money did not grow on trees and at the same time I lectured Luke on the consequences of not using contraception. His latest girlfriend named ‘Spice’ filled me with fear and her leather mini dresses gave Gerry heart palpitations. After the buffet I didn’t have one negative remark about my honey coated sausages. Later that week Gerry became golf captain, Lizzy found herself a job and Luke dumped Spice. If this is not an achievement I don’t know what is!
I pull myself up from the luxurious white sofa and open my eyes. Anna is stood trembling and casting me a grave look.
“What’s the matter?” I sit up, smoothing down my hair and wiping away a little trickle of dribble from the side of my mouth.
Anna glances at Gabriel who silently nods. She turns back to me. “It’s Gerry.”
I grip the arms of my sofa. “Please tell me he’s not on his way up here?”
Dare I say it – but life up in the clouds has been enjoyable. Yes it was sad at first but I have still been close to them all down below in my own special way. If I am honest my family never spoke to me much when I was alive, so things don’t feel that different. If Gerry was with me up here he would put a dampener on my blossoming friendship with the beautiful Gabriel, my cake addiction and my love of afternoon naps.
Anna shakes her long blonde curls. She steps aside the dark hole in the cloud floor and gestures for me to look down into the world of the living.
I clamber up from my sofa and hitch up my long silk dress, lovingly handmade by my team of angel clothes makers. Pushing Anna aside I rush over to see what is going on down below.
Getting access to the hole in the clouds was one of my first victories. I pitched an excellent case to God, about why I should be allowed to keep watch on my family from the clouds. They would not be able to cope on their own and the control freak inside of me still wanted some reassurance they were doing things my way. God tried to overrule me, but in the end he wearily nodded. We both knew I was not going to let it drop.
My mouth falls open as I can see Gerry logging onto an…online dating website.
“What is he doing?” I shriek, pointing through the clouds.
Anna places a warm hand on my shoulder. “He’s decided to start dating. I am so sorry Camilla.”
Anger bubbles up inside of me. How dare Gerry think about replacing me?
I have been a fabulous wife to him. For my years of marital service, which included massaging his smelly feet after golf, looking impressed at the size of the fish he caught during his dull fishing trips and taking his mother to bingo every week, I expect a minimum of ten years grief from him.
Actually if I take into account all the stuff I did for him; laying out his clothes every morning, cooking his steak just the way he liked it and on a weekly basis putting on his favourite Luther Vandross number to signal that I was in the mood for a bit of romance, I think I deserve at least twenty years.
“Shall we close up the cloud hole?” asks Anna, in a gentle voice. “Maybe it is time you moved on Camilla?”
I bat her arm away and shake my head. “Get God on-line one ASAP! I need to do something about my loving husband and get him back to mourning me.”
“But what can you do from up here?” Anna chews on her finger nail whilst Gabriel anxiously beats his wings.
I exhale loudly and fold my arms. “If God can move in mysterious ways – so can I!”
Anna fiddles with her halo. “God is very busy Camilla, what with everything that is going on in the land of the living.”
I take a deep breath. “I know God has a lot on his plate but watching Gerry dating unscrupulous women from the internet is going to be torturous. This is a crisis!”
Don’t miss next week’s episode of Heaven Calling!
Will God agree to help Camilla?
Will Gerry finally get to enjoy himself?