Welcome to my comedy blog series – Heaven Calling.
This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.
For Part 1 – please click here.
For Part 2 – please click here.
Quick recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry had started dating. He’d spent two years grieving her.
Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.
With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel plus God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates from heaven.
I am sat working my way through a divine box of chocolates, whilst gazing longingly at Gabriel’s tanned and muscular angel body. He’s peering through the cloud hole and keeping watch over the world of the living down below. The beautiful sight of him makes me let out a little sigh of contentment.
Anna, my other angel assistant, saunters into our heaven room. She spots me and smiles. “Nice to see you looking relaxed Camilla.”
I nod and pop a strawberry cream into my mouth. Before I pick another one I lean back and make an announcement. “Angels, I’ve decided to not stress about Gerry’s dating plans anymore. He’s a sensible man. My worst nightmare would be seeing him date a local woman, who has a reputation for being wild. I have done a lot of thinking and I can’t see this happening.”
Anna casts me a strange look. “Did you know any local women with wild reputations?”
A face flashes across my mind. Cindy Feathers. The mere thought of Cindy Feathers makes my shoulders stiffen.
I grunt and lose my appetite for chocolates. “Just one. Cindy Feathers. Late thirties, has a string of boyfriends, likes to wear tiny red polka dot shorts whilst doing a food shop and there is a rumour…she likes to dance naked in a ring of flowers on top of a hill.”
Anna gasps. “Wow – she does sound wild! Do you think the dancing naked in a ring of flowers on top of a hill rumour is true?”
I shake my head. “Diane from the bakery told me. She’s not a reliable source. Before I died Diane told me that a top American film star had come into her bakery and asked her out on a date after tasting one of her custard tarts. If you tasted one of her custard tarts you would know this couldn’t possibly be true.”
Anna rearranges her halo and brings the conversation back to the subject of my husband. “Like you said Camilla, Gerry’s a sensible man. I don’t think he would date a wild woman like Cindy Feathers.”
I nod my head in agreement. “Gerry’s not going to be interested in Cindy Feathers. He doesn’t like hill walking, he hates the outdoors, apart from the golf course and he prefers practical looking women, like myself.”
Anna gives me a reassuring smile. “Of course he does Camilla.”
Feeling relaxed, I settle into the sofa. “God’s pleased I handed back my weather control panel. He says I have done the right thing, to stop trying to influence Gerry’s dates using the weather.”
Anna starts to play an upbeat tune, but is interrupted by Gabriel.
He rushes over from the cloud hole with a concerned look on his face. “Camilla, I have some news about Gerry.”
Anna makes a swift musical tempo change and opts for a soothing and calming number.
Sensing trouble I sit up. “What is it Gabriel?”
“Gerry has just met a woman in the frozen food aisle of the supermarket and he’s asked her out on a date.”
My heart stops. He met someone in the frozen aisle of a supermarket. There is only one woman I know who lurks in the frozen food aisle of supermarkets, waiting for weak-minded men like Gerry. “What is her name?” I croak.
Gabriel anxiously flaps his wings and flicks his eyes to the floor. “I can’t say it.”
Anna leaves her harp and races to my side. Whilst placing her warm hands on my shoulders she whispers, “it won’t be who you think it is Camilla. Remember how you said Gerry preferred practical looking women.”
I bat Anna out of the way and glare at Gabriel. “SAY HER NAME!”
Gabriel mumbles something under his breath.
“Just put her out of her misery, say the name of Gerry’s date!” screams Anna, rushing over to Gabriel.
He lifts his head. “Gerry is going on a date with Cindy Feathers. He caught sight of her minuscule red polka dot shorts, whilst buying his frozen parsnips.”
I let out a piercing scream and Gabriel gasps. The thought of Gerry dating a wild woman like Cindy Feathers, who wears tiny red polka dot shorts whilst doing her weekly food shop and who dances naked in rings of flowers on top of hills, fills my veins with anger.
Gerry will bring shame on the good family name I built up through coffee mornings, beautiful singing in church and thought-provoking Facebook posts.
“Why can’t my husband control himself whilst buying a bag of frozen parsnips?” I snarl. “What is wrong with that man? Right…I am off to see God!”
Anna is comforting Gabriel when I return. As I march back into the room she stops dabbing his eyes and turns to me. “Well – did God offer you any assistance?”
I angrily shake the weather control panel. “Light drizzle! He gave me light drizzle.”
Anna and Gabriel’s months fall open in shock. “Light drizzle,” they both murmur in unison.
“I never asked for light drizzle. I got on my knees and begged God for lightning bolts. He refused and gave me a pathetic form of rain.”
“Is it that bad?” asks Gabriel, frantically beating his wings.
Trying to stay calm I launch into my thoughts on light drizzling rain. “What damage am I going to do with a mist-like form of rain? Seriously God could have cut me some slack here and given me a monsoon, but no…he gave me gentle rain!”
Anna gives me a thoughtful look. “Remember your mother’s garden party is this week. The last thing she needs is light drizzling rain. It will ruin her cold buffet and her garden charades with the ladies from her Bridge Club.”
I let out a cry of frustration. “I think stopping Gerry from dating Cindy Feathers is more important than my mother’s social life!”
The day of Gerry’s date arrives. We watch Gerry collect Cindy Feathers from her house. Wrapped in a giant fake fur coat she strides out of her front door and squeals at the sight of his gleaming red sports car. I bite my lip and vow to never to make dating assumptions about my husband again.
“Is he taking her to the restaurant?” I ask Anna and Gabriel, who avoid my stare. Earlier in the week Gerry had booked a table at a local Italian. Gabriel starts to fidget and Anna bows her head. “Angels!” I bark, “where is Gerry going on his date?”
Anna breaks the silence. “He cancelled the Italian. They going for a picnic on top of a hill.”
Air has become trapped in my throat.
Anna turns to me. “It’s not what you think Camilla,” she explains. “Cindy told Gerry their spirits need to connect before they start officially dating…on top of a hill, naked and in a ring of flowers.”
All I can mutter is “I bet she did! He will regret getting carried away whilst buying his frozen parsnips.”
We watch Gerry speed away in his red sports car and Anna hands me some tissues. “Come on Camilla, Gerry looks happy doesn’t he?”
“That’s the problem!” I snarl.
Gerry and Cindy Feathers have climbed to the top of a local hill. My husband moaned continually about his bad back and a painful blister on his left big toe as they made their way to the top.
They are now lying on a blanket together. Gerry has spent the last half hour inspecting his blister which I don’t think Cindy found a turn on. The sight of Gerry’s purple feet veins and his corns made Anna look away and Gabriel grimace.
My shoulders stiffen as I can hear Gerry telling Cindy about how beautiful she looked in the supermarket, clad in her red polka dot shorts, whilst buying her bumper pack of mint coated lamb grill steaks.
“After this Cindy, do you fancy coming back to mine to listen to some of my Luther Vandross records?” Gerry gives her a cheeky wink.
Gabriel and Anna both turn towards me, with inquisitive looks. “Did you listen to Gerry’s Luther Vandross records Camilla?” asks Gabriel.
I nod. “Every Sunday, between 6.17 p.m. and 6.21 p.m. Afterwards I would make us both a soft egg to recover from the experience.”
Gabriel scratches his blonde curly locks. “You only listened to one of his songs?”
I exhale loudly. “After sixteen years of marriage one was quite enough Gabriel.”
Cindy is giggling at Gerry. She leans into him and says “shall we dance?”
I stare in horror as Gerry nods, grins and starts unbuttoning his shirt.
“Oh my goodness no Gerry!” I shout through the cloud hole. “Think of our good family name!”
As if by magic my hands find the control panel. “Ok folks – its time for a light drizzle of rain!” I push the gear lever forward.
“Its starting to rain Gerry,” squeaks Cindy excitedly. “We can dance naked in the rain!”
Gerry glances up at the sky with a look of disgust. “I hate this type of fine rain.”
“Come on Gerry!” cries Cindy, wiggling her hips.
Gerry stops unbuttoning his shirt and puts his coat back on. He turns to Cindy and puts on his grumpy face. “Look Cindy, dancing in the rain naked on top of a muddy hill is not something I fancy doing right now. Let’s go back to mine, have a nice cup of tea and watch some TV.”
“It’s only a bit of light rain,” Cindy says, as Gerry dives into his rucksack and pulls out his waterproofs.
Cindy stares in horror. “Gerry you told me you were willing to dance naked with me on top of a hill. Please don’t sit in your waterproofs looking sad.”
Gerry shakes his head. “I think I got a bit carried away whilst buying my frozen parsnips,” he groans.
“You can say that again!” I cry out from heaven, shaking my weather control panel at him.
Wiping damp hair away from her face Cindy asks, “are we still on for some Luther Vandross time when we get back?”
We watch him put his hood up and bow his head. “I don’t think I am in the mood anymore for some Luther Vandross time. I just want a nice cup of tea and to watch one of my golfing programmes on TV.”
Cindy rolls her eyes. “I don’t think we are going to work Gerry. Our spirits don’t seem to be connecting.”
Heaven is filled with cheers and whoops. Yay for light drizzle!
I am stretching, yawning and preparing for a little nap. All is right with the world of the living. Gerry is once again single and I am happy. Earlier we all listened to him explain to my best friend Meg about how tiny red polka dot shorts only lead to trouble.
Anna rushes into my heaven room looking concerned. “God wants to see you ASAP Camilla. He’s not happy with you.”
I sit up in surprise. “Oh come on, it was just a bit of light drizzle!”
Anna takes a deep breath. “Your light drizzle ruined your mother’s garden party. She’d finally stopped pestering him, through prayer, about her bowel condition. Now she won’t leave him alone!”
“I’m really tired Anna,” I moan.
“God said your mother is going on and on at him. She’s been on her knees praying for hours, complaining about how her jam tarts were ruined. He can’t take much more.”
I yawn and place my head on a cushion.
“He’s wondering whether he should summon her up here to be with you.”
In a flash I am up out of the sofa and sprinting towards God’s office.
There will be more from Camilla and the gang next week.