Welcome to my comedy blog series – Heaven Calling.
This series is out every Thursday.
All previous parts can be found by clicking here.
Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry was dating back on Earth. He’d spent two years grieving her. In Camilla’s eyes this was not long enough.
With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel, some soothing harp music and God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates and get him back to mourning her.
Part 4 is below.
I stroll into my heaven room with a huge smile on my face. God has finally come up trumps! Gerry better watch out!
After persuading God not to summon up my mother to heaven, I offered to do a few spiritual jobs for him. This involved manning his prayer hotline, tidying up his great office and barking orders at lazy angels.
God was so grateful for some rest and relaxation time he gave me the use of ‘uncomfortable hot sun’ for influencing Gerry’s future dates. I squealed with glee, hugged him and promised, as always, to not cause him any unnecessary spiritual stress.
Anna looks up from her harp and grins at me. “Someone’s happy today!”
I flop onto my white sofa and grab a box of chocolates resting on the sofa arm. “God has given me the use of ‘uncomfortable hot sun’ for Gerry’s dates. You will not believe how powerful I feel right now. Gerry hates warm weather, gives him a nasty rash.”
Anna nods and starts to play an upbeat harp tune.
Gabriel is sat on the edge of the cloud hole, staring down into the world of the living below. He lifts his head and casts me an awkward look. “Gerry’s decided not to go on anymore online dates.”
My head flicks towards Gabriel. “What? Really? Oh that is not fair! I finally get the use of something amazing and Gerry stops online dating.”
Gabriel rises from the cloud hole and walks towards me. “He’s just told your friend Meg that he’s joining the local acting group.”
“Gerry – acting?” I croak, as air gets trapped in my throat. “He always told me he hated our town’s acting group.”
Gabriel shakes his head of blonde curls. “He mentioned this to Meg. Gerry admitted that he told you he disliked the acting group, because he secretly fancied the local woman who ran it.”
Blood drains away from my face. Anna rushes to my side and gives my shoulder a squeeze.
“How could Gerry do this to me? How could he confess to having a crush on…..Linda Greystone-Gables, the head of the local acting group?” I murmur. Anna shakes her head in bewilderment.
I gesture for Anna and Gabriel to gather round and listen to my sorry tale. “Gerry knew Linda and I were at school together. He knew my friendship with Linda came to an abrupt end, after we’d both auditioned for the part of Juliet, in the school’s remake of the Shakespeare classic.”
“Did you want the part because you enjoyed Shakespeare’s work?” asks Anna, with a goofy happy facial expression. “That man has been a real hit up here in heaven!”
I roll my eyes at her. “Getting the chance to act alongside hunky, football captain, Keith Briggs was the only reason why Linda and I both went for the main part.”
Anna raises her eyebrows at me.
“Linda knew I had the bigger crush on Keith (I stalked him at the Youth Club, stole his pencil-case in class just so that I could cuddle it at night and blew air kisses to him in the canteen whilst he ate his mother’s cheese and cucumber sandwiches). I loved that boy!”
Gabriel starts to anxiously beat his wings. He can sense heartbreak is coming. Anna encourages me to carry on.
“Linda swore to me she would fail the audition on purpose so I would get the part. She lied!”
Both angels gasp in horror at my revelation.
“Linda gave the acting performance of her life and became Juliet. She and Keith dated for years after the show, whilst my mother paid for me to have a lot of therapy. Linda and I never spoke again.”
Gabriel wipes away a tear trickling down his cheek.
Anna places a warm hand on my shoulder. “Everything will be ok Camilla.”
Tears prick my eyes as the old feelings of betrayal return to me.
After a sniff and a loud blow of my nose I make an announcement. “I am going to remain positive about Gerry’s new love of acting.” Both Gabriel and Anna let out sighs of relief.
“Linda’s married to the local butcher. So she won’t be interested in Gerry.”
Gabriel raises his hand. “Errrr..they’re divorced. She’s good to go!”
Anna nudges Gabriel and I rub my temples. “I have the use of uncomfortable hot sun if he makes a play for her affections. If things get out of hand I will just raise the temperature!”
Anna and Gabriel give each other a worried look, which I ignore.
It’s the night of Gerry’s first acting group session. Gabriel, Anna and I watch him enter the town hall, where the group rehearse. Linda makes a beeline for Gerry and my neck stiffens.
“Oh Gerry – what a lovely surprise to have you join us tonight!” she squeals, planting an air kiss on both cheeks.
Linda informs Gerry that the acting group will be doing some role play in pairs. To Gerry’s delight and my horror Linda has paired herself with Gerry. When she announces that she and Gerry will be acting out a romance scene together I start to growl.
As I watch Linda fawning over Gerry, in some silly scene featuring two lovers who cannot be together due to their warring families, anger courses through my veins. The face of Keith Briggs flashes across my mind. That woman is undoing years of therapy in my mind.
The acting group session has ended. Everyone is leaving. Gerry is bathed in a light sweat. Apparently he found acting intense.
After saying farewell to the group he leaves. I am willing him to his car.
Anna points at Linda chasing after Gerry and cornering him by a large fountain.
“Oh Gerry!” she whispers, stroking his cheek. “Were we simply acting tonight? I don’t think we were….because I now have such strong feelings for you!”
“Oh Linda!” he whispers, caressing her neck. “I’ve had the hots for you…for years, especially when you starred in that musical about a mermaid. I often recall the image of you singing in your mermaid outfit.”
I let out a high-pitched scream. “How can he say that?” I cry out. “He told me he went to that performance five times because our daughter was a crab and she needed support for her three crab lines. If I had known he was lusting after Linda doing a bad impersonation of a singing mermaid I would have gone myself!”
I grab my weather control. Anna tries to stop me. “No Camilla…uncomfortable hot sun might make things worse!”
“Do something quick!” shouts Gabriel, pointing to Gerry leaning into kiss Linda.
Anna glares at me.
“I’m sorry Anna, I know my husband and right now he needs some uncomfortable hot sun.” I push up the weather gear stick to ‘MAX’ and wait.
Gerry and Linda are now locked into a passionate embrace. My eyes are burning as I watch my husband kiss the face off my enemy, Linda Greystone-Gables.
Linda breaks for air. “Oh..it’s far too hot out here Gerry!” We watch as she wipes her sweaty brow.
He nods and scowls at the sky.”I have not been having much luck with the weather lately.”
I start to clap. “I knew my plan would work. He hates hot weather.”
Gabriel pats me on the back, Anna congratulates me and then….
Gerry gives Linda a wink. “Do you fancy quickly cooling off in this fountain…beautiful mermaid?” asks Gerry. Linda squeals with excitement. “Oh you are sooooo naughty Gerry!”
I have learnt no one hears your screams from heaven, except your angel assistants and God.
God’s new personal assistant, Trevor, has just came running into my heaven room.
“Camilla, God says can you keep the noise down….he can’t hear himself think, whilst manning the prayer hotline.”
Whilst my husband back on Earth is frolicking in a fountain with Linda Greystone-Gables I am retiring to my heavenly bed with a cold compress on my forehead, handsome Gabriel fanning me with his huge wings and a tube filled with heaven’s answer to Pinot Grigio going into my mouth.
There will be more from Camilla and Gerry next week.