Welcome to my weekly blog series – Heaven Calling.
Out every Thursday.
Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry was dating back on Earth. He’d spent two years grieving her but in Camilla’s eyes this was not long enough.
With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel, some soothing harp music and God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates and get him back to mourning her.
Read on to see what’s going on in heaven!
Heaven Calling – Part 5
Earlier I barged into God’s office in a foul mood, fuelled by my husband’s new relationship with my old school enemy, Linda Greystone-Gables, and demanded the use of deadly lightning bolts. God refused. He ordered me to cheer up, as he was tired of hearing me stomp around heaven, slam the pearly gates and bark at angels.
According to him I should feel grateful about being in heaven. Things could have been a lot worse for me, if on death, I had been selected for the other place which shall not be named. According to God they would not have been so understanding about my marital issues.
As I left his office God took pity on me. He gave me the use of blustery wind on the proviso I would help a heaven newbie settle in.
I have just stormed back into my heaven room. My angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel are busy serving tea and cake to a stranger, sat in a chair with their back to me.
“Did your chat not go well Camilla?” asks Anna, handing a huge slice of chocolate cake to the stranger.
I exhale loudly. “God’s given me blustery wind which will not be useful. To make matters worse he’s expecting me to help some silly newcomer settle in up here. Do I look like a heaven tour guide? I can feel one of my headaches coming on.”
Anna gestures towards the stranger. “Why don’t you come and meet Pete?”
I can feel my scowl evaporate as a charming man, with dark shiny hair and a snappy grey suit rises from his chair. He turns to me with a mischievous twinkle in his green eyes. “Hello Camilla, I’m Pete, nice to meet you!”
After inspecting his svelte figure I make a mental note to apologise to God later. I am more than happy to befriend future handsome male newcomers.
Anna urges me to sit down opposite Pete, whilst Gabriel passes me a large plate of chocolate cake.
I can feel my mood lighten as Pete holds my gaze.
“Can I ask how you ended up in heaven?” I take a sip of tea with my eyes fixed on him.
Pete grins. “I was recreating a part from a famous film and my heart gave up.”
I arch my perfectly sculptured eyebrows at him, wedge a gigantic piece of cake into my mouth and run through a few film possibilities in my head…let me see…smartly dressed handsome gentleman with naughty look in his eye..
He drains his china cup. “Did you ever see the film Dirty Dancing Camilla?’
My heart starts to gallop. “Oh yes it was one of my favourite films. Which part of the film were you acting out?”
Pete’s boyish smile makes me feel light-headed. I shove another piece of cake into my mouth and listen to what he has to say.
“The bit in the lake where he lifts her out of the water. I held this woman up in the air for about ten seconds and then….well.. it was all over…for me.”
Cake gets trapped in my throat. I have to take an emergency gulp of tea. “In a lake?” I croak. “You lifted her out of the water like Patrick Swayze did to Jennifer Grey in the film?”
Pete nods. “She was feeling a bit down, so I thought I would cheer her up.”
“You took her into a freezing cold lake, fully clothed and pretended you were Patrick Swayze to cheer her up? Good grief my husband Gerry would have handed me a pile of ironing and instructed me to do something to take my mind off stuff!”
“Every woman should experience what I call a Jennifer Grey moment.”
I think about what he has just said. If I am honest that particular scene was one of my favourites. It featured in many of my daydreams, whilst ironing Gerry’s shirts.
Gerry hated the film Dirty Dancing. He said it was unrealistic (young woman falling for hunky dance instructor).
Pete’s thin arms catch my attention and I wonder how he managed to perform such a manoeuvre.
“She wasn’t too heavy then?” I ask, bringing another slice of cake to my lips.
Pete shakes his head. “She looked quite dainty. I thought it wouldn’t be too hard. Looks can be deceiving. The trouble was once I lifted her she insisted on me holding her up in the air for ages. My heart gave up after ten seconds.”
Words fail me. I am poised with the piece of cake, sat waiting outside my lips.
“Do you need cheering up Camilla? ” asks Pete. “There’s a beautiful lake just out there.” He points out of my heaven door and towards God’s lake.
I shake my head. The last thing I need right now is to have a Jennifer Grey moment in a freezing cold lake with some heaven newbie.
“Thanks for the offer Pete but I don’t need cheering up. When my husband Gerry comes to his senses and stops dating that woman who does a bad impersonation of a singing mermaid I will be a little ray of sunlight.”
Gabriel rolls his eyes at Anna.
Pete puts down his cup. “Just give me the nod Camilla, I’m sure I would have no problems in lifting you up in the afterlife.”
I stare at the huge dent in the cake and quickly dismiss a few things. “Calories, weight and dodgy hearts don’t exist up here Pete.”
Anna pipes up. “Anyway that is God’s special lake. No one is allowed in there. It’s a place for quiet reflection.”
Pete gives me a wink. “So then Camilla what do you get up to in heaven?” He looks around my spacious heaven room.
Gerry’s face appears in my mind. I can feel my scowl creeping back onto my face. “I keep watch on the world below and make sure my family do what I want them to do.”
Pete turns to me and grins. “And do they…do what you want?”
Gabriel shakes his head at Pete and Anna erupts into a coughing fit.
“Show me Camilla!” says Pete, rising from his chair. “I want to see how you keep control of your family from up here.”
We all clamber around the cloud hole and I sit clutching my weather control panel. “I only have blustery wind today so I don’t think I can do much.”
Anna points through the clouds. “Look there’s your teenage son Luke, the one in the black heavy metal t-shirt with the greasy long blonde hair.”
Our eyes settle on Luke stood outside his college. We can all hear him cheerfully informing one of his friends that he is not attending his history and geography classes. He has decided to go to the local skateboard park instead.
Anna and Gabriel quickly look away as my mouth starts to twist. Pete loosens his shirt collar and fidgets.
After high fiving his pal we watch Luke happily skate away down the street.
“What are you going to do?” asks Anna, casting me a worried look.
I exhale loudly and reach for my weather control panel. Without hesitation I push the lever for blustery wind to MAX. Then I press a button to change the wind’s direction, so it blows towards the college. Luke is not powerful enough to skate into the blustery wind and he soon finds himself being carried back towards the red brick college building. He raises his arms in frustration, after finding himself transported to his college doors. I stop the wind and let out a sigh.
“I am impressed!” exclaims Pete.
I hold my hand up. “Wait – Luke won’t give up without a fight. I know my son, he’s stubborn…just like his father.”
A good hour later and numerous failed attempts by Luke to skate away, only to be blown back towards the college, we watch him storm inside.
“Do you think he’ll stay in college now?” asks Pete.
I shake my head and point towards a small window being opened round the side of the building. Luke’s long blonde hair starts to appear.
In a flash I grab the weather control panel, flick the lever to MAX and cry out “get back inside you naughty boy!” A huge gust of blustery wind slams the window shut and we all hear Luke’s painful yelp.
“There we go…all sorted!” I say, tapping my weather control panel and savouring my moment of parental achievement.
“I bet you are grateful God gave you blustery wind!” exclaims Anna. “Look at the good work you have done.”
Pete and I wander back to our chairs.
He holds my gaze as we sit down. “I bet your husband is struggling to get over you Camilla.”
The image of Gerry frolicking in the fountain with Linda Greystone-Gables appears in my mind. “He has his moments. Once he gets Linda out of his system he will be back to grieving me.”
“Camilla there’s something you should know?” says Gabriel, standing over the cloud hole.
“What now?” I snap.
“Gerry’s broken up with Linda.”
I leap off my chair and rush over to the cloud hole. “This is turning out to be a good day!” I shriek.
Gabriel stops me from peering into the world below. “I don’t think you want to have a look down there.”
“Why?” I say.
Gabriel anxiously beats his angel wings. “Gerry has finished with Linda because….he wants to play the field.”
I let out a piercing scream which sends Anna rushing over with a slab of chocolate cake. Once I stop screaming she stuffs bits of cake into my mouth.
In between mouthfuls (of delicious cake) I feel the blood drain away from my face. My husband Gerry has become a female magnet. When he is not volunteering to dance naked on a hill with a woman, frolicking in a fountain with another, he’s making serious plans to become a male tart! He is ruining our good family name.
“Pete?” I turn round. “is your offer still on….I need cheering up?”
Pete struggles to hold me aloft whilst I stretch out my arms and smile. I am having a Jennifer Grey moment and it feels fabulous.
“It’s a good job I am dead Camilla, my old heart would not have survived this…” he groans.
“Calories and weight don’t matter in heaven Pete! Hold me still!”
Anna’s piercing scream fills the air.
“CAMILLA – what are you doing in God’s special lake?” She shrieks.
“Just helping a newcomer settle in!”
There will be more from Camilla next week.
As I am a huge Dirty Dancing fan and all I have read about lately is that famous lake scene, I knew I had to write about it somehow. Here’s an article about it.
For previous parts of Heaven Calling – please click here.