Welcome to The Diary of Roxy Collins – The Serious Relationship Series.
Every Thursday you can read Roxy’s diary entries.
They record the emotional highs and lows of her new serious relationship with Marcus, the man of her dreams. He lives on the posh side of town, drives a flash car and doesn’t mind her wild kids or the wobbly bits on her hips and thighs. Has Roxy finally found true love?
How will their new relationship survive when Roxy enters the TV talent show ‘Search For a Star’?
Will Roxy be a hit in the Over 25’s singing category?
Even though my mouth is open, there is no sound coming from it.
Everyone in the TV audition room is staring at me. When I say ‘everyone’ I mean my fellow band mates, three TV judges and the entire show production team. As the cameras are rolling this incident will be broadcast to millions of prime time TV viewers nationwide. I dread to think how this will look on Twitter.
Ok keep calm Roxy, viewers might very well tweet about how they felt sorry for the #SilentOne on the #SearchForAStar Twitter thread. I can live with the #SilentOne hashtag.
Lightbulb moment. Knowing the quality of the auditions on this show, I don’t think the TV editors will show the audition featuring a thirty something, red-head, who squeezed herself into a leopard print mini dress and messed up the audition. Dull TV.
Shaz and friend Orange Lorna are singing, but at the same time casting me angry looks.
This audition hasn’t gone to plan; Marcus discovered my tattoo of another man’s name on my shoulder, none of my family have come to support me, which is heartbreaking and when Marcus came to make up, after our tattoo argument, he found me in the arms of music mogul and TV hottie, celebrity judge, Hugo Rocco.
Obviously it was an accident, my stiletto heel had got caught on a piece of loose carpet and Hugo Rocco happened to be coming out of his dressing room, as I was sailing through the air.
I force out a weak smile at Shaz. She needs this audition to go well as her life goals are pinned on us becoming a rich pop band. Money is tight for Shaz. The beauty salon, she works for, is closing down. Babs, the beauty salon owner, has fallen in love with an American man, who came in for a speedo wax. Babs is now set on going to the States to live with him and his speedo collection. A bitter blow for Shaz, who warned Babs about the dangers of offering speedo waxes to handsome men, but Babs didn’t listen.
All of this unnecessary audition stress has resulted in me standing here, opening and closing my mouth. I look like a fish in a goldfish bowl.
Hugo Rocco has raised his hand for the music to stop. He’s grinning at me. “Why are you not singing?”
The room goes silent. All the TV cameras are pointing at me.
Suddenly several loud familiar voices can be heard, outside the audition room.
“Harry, Toby – stop fighting! Your mother is in there trying to become a pop star!”
“OMG Mam’s gone mute – this is so embarrassing!”
“So, Roxy, sat in my friend’s tattoo parlour, absolutely plastered…and my friend, Keith, got a bit confused with the name. Roxy, bless her, was hammered…far too many cocktails…LOL and she started telling us all about how her manager, called Martin, who is a right weirdo by the way…well…he saved her from getting stopped by the cops on the motorway for running out of petrol.”
“Roxy’s not having an affair then, with a man called Martin?”
“Marcus, trust me, I know I am an ex-con, but let me tell you, Roxy fancies the pants off you!”
A young production assistant sticks their head out of the door.
“Excuse me, can you all keep the noise down, we are filming in here!”
After hearing all that everyone has turned back to me with bewildered facial expressions.
Orange Lorna leans into me. “Bet your boss will love watching this audition when it’s aired!”
My imagination is running wild with potential twitter hashtags from the ‘Search For A Star’ Twitter followers. #SilentOne is a distant memory.
I think I might close down my twitter account.
In the ‘Roxy Collins Guide To Life’ one of the best ways to deal with an awkward moment is to smile, clear the throat, reapply bright red lipstick, let out a nervous giggle and carry on.
My faithful red lipstick has been fished out of my little black handbag, which is hung over my shoulder. I have smeared a good layer on, smacked my lips together, giggled and asked, “any chance we could start this audition again?”
With his mouth still hanging open and eyes wide, Hugo Rocco nods for our audition to start again.
My voice is back!
I am belting out our chosen song, ‘Venus’ by 80s pop band, Bananarama, along with Shaz and Orange Lorna.
The music fades and we stop singing. I spot a huge smile spreading across Hugo Rocco’s face. My heart accelerates.
Shaz and Orange Lorna sense a victory and pull me into a group hug. One of Orange Lorna’s crutches falls over, so I pick it up quickly and turn round to face the judges.
This is it – a huge, life changing moment for us – The Diamanté Girls. Three, thirty something friends (except Orange Lorna, who thinks a false tan knocks years off her), who decided to enter a pop singing competition and sung their hearts out, secure a place in the live ‘Search For a Star’ TV shows.
Shaz holds my hand, as the judges whisper to each other.
The first female judge, Karen G Tirazz, a successful pop star, who has recently been in the press for going public with her romance to a famous U.S. rapper, casts us all a sugary sweet smile. “Ladies, an interesting audition. You two [points to Shaz and Orange Lorna] were not as strong vocally as you [points to me].
Shaz drops my hand.
The second female judge waves a diamond encrusted hand at us. CC Tickle Heart, a chart topping pop star, who has recently announced she is set to collaborate on a track with the famous U.S. rapper Karen G Tirazz is dating.
CC Tickle Heart has had to deny all affair rumours, with the rapper and quash all rumours about friction between her and Karen G Tirazz. “I disagree with her,” she snaps, giving her fellow judge a filthy look. After a flick of her black hair and a sexy pout at the camera, she turns to us, “I love it. You three are stars!”
Shaz picks my hand back up.
Hugo Rocco is smiling. He points at Shaz and Orange Lorna. “Not great ladies.”
He turns to me. “I want to hear you sing on your own.”
Shaz drops my hand.
“Go have a think and we will hopefully see you later,” he says, giving me a wink.
As we leave the audition room, Shaz turns to me and hisses, “how could you do this to us, Roxy?”
There will be more Roxy next week.