Welcome to the New Diary of Roxy Collins – The Serious Relationship Series.
Every Thursday you can read Roxy’s latest diary entry.
They record the emotional highs and lows of her new serious relationship with Marcus, the man of her dreams. He lives on the posh side of town, drives a flash car and doesn’t mind her wild kids or the wobbly bits on her hips and thighs. Has Roxy finally found true love?
How will their new relationship survive when Roxy enters the TV talent show ‘Search For a Star?
All previous episodes are stored here.
Last week Roxy enjoyed a mad night out with her cousin Mags and after a few drinks ended up going round to Marcus’s house. She had decided to give their relationship another try. When she got there he was climbing out of a taxi with another woman. Gasp.
The ‘Search For a Star’ auditions are being televised tonight, ahead of the live shows, which start in a few weeks.
This will be the first airing of my ‘accidental’ kiss with attractive, multi millionaire, music mogul, Hugo Rocco.
As you can imagine I am really nervous about the public reaction to my audition, so I have decided to watch it alone. There are some things in life you need to do by yourself and this is one of them.
Matilda has gone to her friend Lou’s for a girlie night, Harry is at a football sleepover party and Toby is staying the night at his school friend’s house.
Yesterday at work I tried to put a lid on the office excitement over my TV appearance. I asked everyone if they could refrain from discussing it with me at the desks, as I needed to concentrate on work. Martin’s eyebrows arched in surprise. “You never concentrate on work, why do I sense trouble, Roxy Collins?”
Bev, who sits next to me, winked and then went on the company’s instant messaging system to send out a message to all employees including executives, announcing she was having sleepless nights about seeing my ‘kiss’ with Hugo Rocco. A few guys from the IT helpdesk replied to her message saying they were also suffering from #Roxyinsomnia, Martin replied saying he hoped I wouldn’t embarrass myself and the Managing Director replied saying she had already set a reminder on her phone for Saturday evening as she would be on a hen do and didn’t want to miss it.
I have set up camp on my sofa, ready for the start of the show at 8 P.M.
In difficult life situations I like to wear my adult pink rabbit onesie, complete with two large pink floppy ears, a white rabbit tail and a furry chest. I combine this with sipping Prosecco, through a silver twirly straw.
Nothing bothers me when I am dressed as a pink and white Prosecco drinking rabbit. My onesie has helped me through messy relationship break ups, dates who don’t show up, bad days at work and ex partners who let me down at the last-minute.
I like to think that wearing my rabbit onesie will make watching my performance followed by my fall onto Hugo Rocco’s lap easier to watch. I am also praying it will take away the ache in my chest for Marcus.
A knock at my door makes me groan. Going to answer it dressed as a giant rabbit fills me with fear. Hopefully it will just be a charity fundraiser who doesn’t know me.
“Surprise!” shout the family. In front of my eyes I can see my mother, my father, Uncle Bob, Cousin Mags, Vince and Great Aunt Vera.
“Good grief, Roxy!” screeches Great Aunt Vera, “what do you look like?”
Cousin Mags chuckles. “She’s a large pink rabbit.”
My mother gives my arm a squeeze. “We’re here to see your big singing break.”
I feel my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. It’s not my singing the family will be talking about afterwards.
Uncle Bob wheels in Great Aunt Vera and the rest of the family follow.
“Can we move you, Mum?” asks Uncle Bob, grabbing hold of Great Aunt Vera’s wheelchair. “You are blocking the television.”
“Don’t you dare move me!” snaps Great Aunt Vera. “I need a good view of Roxy’s competition.”
“But I can’t see,” moans my mother.
I place my large pink rabbit head in my rabbit paws and pray for a miracle. Watching my audition, surrounded by my entire family, all commenting on my embarrassing kiss will be hell.
A loud knock at the front door distracts everyone.
“Who is that?” cries Great Aunt Vera. “Roxy, get the door.”
I open the door.
“Surprise!” shout my friends; Shaz, Useful Kim and Orange Lorna.
Shaz takes one look at me in my pink rabbit outfit and shakes her head with disapproval. “Roxy, get that off! You are going to be a pop star in a few weeks. Celebrities do not go around dressed as giant pink rabbits.”
“This was supposed to be a private viewing,” I mumble, as they all troop past me.
Useful Kim is stood frozen to the spot in my living room. Her eyes fixed on Uncle Bob.
Great Aunt Vera waggles a walking stick. “What’s the matter with your big friend, Roxy?”
I glance at Useful Kim and then at Uncle Bob, who is stood open-mouthed and staring at Useful Kim.
“Dad,” says Cousin Mags, “What’s with you and the one with the dodgy perm?”
Uncle Bob refuses to move.
“Bob, please tell me what is going on?” shouts Great Aunt Vera, glaring at her son.
A grin spreads across Orange Lorna’s heavily bronzed face. “OMG, its Texan Bob, Kim. Remember you got off with him at the Western Evening down the club last week?”
Great Aunt Vera lets out a piercing scream.
“Dad, is she telling the truth?” asks Mags, shaking her father’s arm. “Are you really Texan Bob?”
Words fail Uncle Bob. His mouth opens and closes but nothing comes out.
“Bob,” cries Great Aunt Vera. “Do you dress up as a cowboy and pull strange women in your spare time? The family has a right to know.”
“And she’s been inside,” chuckles Orange Lorna.
Great Aunt Vera erupts into a coughing fit.
Vince slaps Uncle Bob on the shoulder. “Nice one, Bob.”
Useful Kim shifts her great weight from cowboy boot to cowboy boot. “How are you doing, Texan Bob?”
We all turn to stare at Uncle Bob.
“Roxy, I need more gin,” croaks Great Aunt Vera. “Get me my gravy boat. Hearing my sixty year old son dresses up in a cowboy suit and kisses ex-convict women at night has done terrible things to my nerves.”
Shaz loops her arm through mine as we head out to the kitchen. “I can’t believe Useful Kim got off with your Uncle Bob.”
I roll my eyes. “Shocking behaviour. Can you imagine him dressing up as a cowboy and frequenting bars, calling himself, Texan Bob?”
“I heard Useful Kim whisper to Orange Lorna he wanted to take her back to his ranch,” says Shaz, pouring gin into Great Aunt Vera’s china gravy boat.
“Do you mean his bungalow in Slough?” I can’t help but smile.
“I also heard he wanted to show her his pistol.”
We are all engrossed with the ‘Search For a Star,’ TV show, apart from Useful Kim and Uncle Bob who have gone for a private word in my kitchen.
Great Aunt Vera is shaking a walking stick at the TV screen. “You want to watch her, Roxy,” she cries, as an attractive Asian woman finishes her power ballad.
I watch the judges give the woman called Ritu a standing ovation.
Shaz leans into me. “Ritu killed that Whitney Houston number. You have a fight on your hands with her. She could win this, singing like that!”
“I thought I sang really well,” remarks Orange Lorna, as we watch our group performance.
Shaz rolls her eyes. “You were flat the whole way through.”
Orange Lorna exhales loudly. “I don’t think so, Sharon!”
Great Aunt Vera leans towards the TV screen. “Well, look at that! Hugo Rocco is gawping at our Roxy.”
My mother nods. “He’s mesmerised by you. Dad used to be like that about me once.”
Everyone turns to look at my father who returns to watching the newspaper.
I watch Hugo Rocco stare at me singing and wonder whether Marcus is sat at home watching this.
The room goes silent as the camera follows me into the audition room. A TV presenter is jabbering away about how I have decided to come back for my audition on my own.
I grip the sofa as the music starts to play.
This is going to be cringeworthy. I can’t watch. Shaz hands me a cushion to hide behind.
“Don’t you dare walk away from me, Texan Bob!” screams Useful Kim.
Everyone turns round to see Uncle Bob march out of the kitchen.
“TEXAN BOB!” cries Useful Kim. “You told me a cowboy always comes back for his favourite cowgirl.”
“Its over,” he snaps. “This cowboy needs to get back on his horse.”
My father mutters something about Uncle Bob’s horse being an old Honda Civic.
Useful Kim starts to sob loudly. Her crying drowns out my audition.
“My son is not a real cowboy,” screeches Great Aunt Vera. “He’s a retired second hand car dealer from Slough.”
“To me he’s Texan Bob,” wails Useful Kim.
By the time the family turn away from watching Uncle Bob and Useful Kim argue about their one night stand, my TV kissing moment has gone.
The only person who did see it was Vince, Mags’s fiancé.
As I hand him a cold beer, he grins at me but doesn’t say anything. For the record I have always liked Vince.
The managing director has text me from her hen party. It reads, ‘Good singing. You might need to invest in some new shoes for the live shows.’
Martin has text me. It reads. ‘Did you have to get carried away in a singing audition on national TV, Roxy?’
Bev has text me. It reads. ‘Can’t believe you snogged the face off a TV judge!’
As I take off my giant pink rabbit outfit the only person I can think about is Marcus.
What must he be thinking after seeing tonight’s show?
There will be more from Roxy next week.
Last week I asked whether any of my readers wanted to be written into The Diary of Roxy Collins. My friend, Ritu, from the award winning blog, ‘But I smile Anyway,’ requested a part. Hope you like your character, Ritu!
If you would like a part in Roxy, let me know.