Welcome to the Diary of Roxy Collins – The Serious Relationship Series.
Every Thursday you can read Roxy’s latest diary entry.
What has happened so far?
Roxy, a thirty something, single mother, is currently pregnant with her fourth child to boyfriend, Marcus. They finally got together after a series of communication mishaps and situations fuelled by Roxy’s runaway emotions.
Roxy and her kids have moved into Marcus’s big house on the expensive side of town. She’s trying her hardest to adapt to her new life and to this serious relationship, however as the weeks have gone by his controlling side has started to show itself.
Mystic Clive tweets his Gemini horoscope, as I wedge a huge piece of sausage sandwich into my mouth and wash it down with a loud slurp of tea. It says, ‘you will need superhero powers today, Gemini!’
I start to choke on the sausage sandwich as my eyes linger on the word, ‘superhero’.
Does Mystic Clive, my favourite astrologer, have a secret camera set up inside Marcus’s house or is he really a magical human being?
How does he know there is a Wonder Woman fancy dress costume hung up in the hall?
It is going to be worn tonight as Useful Kim, Orange Lorna, Shaz and I are off out to a fancy dress party.
Marcus strides into the kitchen with a shocked expression on his face. “Please tell me you are not wearing that costume tonight?”
I gulp back some tea. “Its my maternity fancy dress costume.”
Useful Kim and her fancy dress business contacts have come up trumps this time.
Marcus scratches his head and casts me a puzzled look. “You’re going as a pregnant Wonder Woman?”
I nod again.
He comes over to the kitchen table. “I’m not sure I want my pregnant girlfriend dressing up in a red corset and large blue knickers, with a shield tied to her back.”
“There is a cape and thigh boots,” I add, hoping this might change his mind.
Marcus sighs. “Roxy, I don’t know what’s going on between us, but something’s not right.”
I clear away my plate and then stand to face him. When we started dating all I wanted was a serious relationship with Marcus and to live in his fancy house on the posh side of town, but now I am not so sure. Maybe its my pregnancy hormones?
It is time to let him know how I am feeling. “Marcus, you find fault with everything I do; my job, the clothes I wear, the social gatherings I attend and my friendship circle.”
He fiddles with his designer watch. “I’ve never had a girlfriend who refuses to listen to anything I say.”
“You knew I did my own thing and you knew I was crazy when we got together!” I cry out.
He exhales loudly. “I never thought you’d be crazy enough to go on a TV talent show, get a drunken tattoo of another man’s name, join a band on stage in a pub or run off to London to meet some astrologer in a pink glittery suit. This maternity Wonder Woman fancy dress outfit is making me wonder whether you are proper crazy, Roxy Collins!”
I roll my eyes. To be honest this is tame compared to some of the stuff I have got up to in previous relationships.
“I am actually looking forward to tonight,” I say, refusing to be drawn into his argument.
“Pregnant women don’t go dressing up as Wonder Woman,” he says, waggling his finger at me.
I can feel irritation bubbling away inside of me. “Well, this one does!” I snap and storm out of the kitchen.
“Roxy,” he calls after me. “I’m not sure how much more I can take.”
Matilda and her best mate, Lou, are consoling me upstairs in my bedroom. Marcus has stormed out.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go out tonight?” I say before snivelling into a tissue.
Lou starts to chew her gum faster.
“Mam, don’t let Marcus rule your life,” yawns Matilda, stretching out her pyjama clad legs. “Dress up as pregnant Wonder Woman and enjoy yourself!”
Lou slows down her chewing and casts me a puzzled expression. “Who is the father?”
Matilda and I both stare at Lou.
“If Wonder Woman is pregnant, who is the father?” asks Lou, scratching her mass of black frizzy curls.
“WTF Lou!” screeches Matilda, “Mam, here, (pats me on the shoulder) is having a relationship crisis and you are more bothered about who knocked up Wonder Woman!”
Lou starts to chew at a fast speed.
Matilda rolls her eyes at Lou. “It would be Batman’s kid. Can’t believe you feel the need to ask.”
Lou raises her pencil lined brows at Matilda. “She’d hate living in that dark dingy cave.”
I leave them arguing. After making my way downstairs I head for the sofa and settle down for a rubbish TV marathon.
I am walking downstairs dressed as a pregnant Wonder Woman. On my back is a plastic shield, in my hair is a golden headband and I am clutching a toy sword. My pregnant belly is tucked into a special red and gold corset and I am wearing a pair of gigantic blue knickers covered in stars.
At the bottom of the stairs I am met by a gang of female superheroes.
Shaz is wearing a Supergirl outfit, complete with a blue tight top, red cape, red mini skirt and silver boots.
Orange Lorna is Harley Quinn from Batman. Her blonde hair has been put into bunches, she has a white and red top which sits above large black knickers and fishnet tights.
Useful Kim has come as a leather clad Catwoman, complete with mask and tail.
“Right, let’s get going,” says Useful Kim. “Mandy says everyone is arriving at 7.30.”
Mandy is Useful Kim’s friend. Her husband walked out a few months ago and this superhero house party is Mandy’s way of showing the world she won’t be messed with.
Marcus doesn’t come to say goodbye.
“So, what are you going to do about Marcus?” asks Shaz, as we sit and watch a crowd of drunken thirty something Wonder Women and a couple of fifty something Super Girls dance in the middle of Mandy’s living room.
I shrug my shoulders. “He says he can’t take much more.”
Shaz squeezes my arm. “I am sure it will work out, Roxy.”
Orange Lorna leans over. “Mandy was at the pub when you got up on stage last week. She says you were amazing!”
I smile as a memory from my duet comes back to me.
“Mandy says your cousin Mags was all over Marcus,” says Orange Lorna, fiddling with one of her bunches.
Shaz’s sculptured eyebrows arch in surprise. “Roxy, watch Mags like a hawk!”
I shake my head. “It’s just friendly banter.”
Orange Lorna gestures towards a drunken Mandy on the makeshift dance floor. “She thought her husband and that woman from the bakery were simply having some friendly banter over her steak pies.”
“You and Marcus need to work out your issues before your baby comes along,” advises Shaz.
I rub my swollen belly. “With all the chaos of the last few weeks I’ve forgotten about this little one.”
A wave of guilt crashes over me. Maybe I should spend more time thinking about the baby than my relationship issues with Marcus?
After a few dances to Mandy’s 80s playlist, a plate of buffet food and a good gossip about the local woman, who worked in the bakery and ran off with Mandy’s husband, we decide to call it a night.
We leave Mandy’s semi-detached and start to wearily stagger home.
“My feet are killing me,” moans Useful Kim.
“I am sick of this plastic shield on my back!” I groan.
“These black knickers are like cheese wire,” cries out Orange Lorna.
Shaz turns to us and grins. “What a happy bunch of superheroes we are!”
As we turn a corner we see an old man being pinned to the wall by a young lad. The old man shouts at the youth to get off him.
The scene causes each of us to get in touch with our inner superhero. In unison we all shriek and charge at the young lad, who casts us a look of terror. The sight of four thirty something, rough-looking, female superheroes is too much for him. As soon as we reach them the young man screams and races away into the night.
The old man grins. “Ladies, you saved me!”
“Anytime,” gushes Shaz. “Are you ok?”
The old man is a little shaken but he says the youth didn’t harm him.
“Do you need us to escort you home?” asks Useful Kim. “We’ll make sure you are safe.”
Orange Lorna leans in and whispers, “OMG I actually get to feel like a real life superhero tonight as well.”
We make sure the old man gets back to his flat and he promises to call the police.
The girls take me to my door where I spend ages fumbling around for my key in my gold purse.
Eventually I find it and give them all a hug goodbye.
As I close the front door I see the lights are still on in the lounge. Marcus must still be up. I totter along the hall.
At the doorway to the lounge I freeze. Marcus is locked in a passionate embrace with my cousin Mags on his sofa. They are kissing each other like crazy.
He catches sight of me and they quickly break away.
As tears prick my eyes I try to summon some superhero powers.
There will be more Roxy next week.