You have been dreaming about becoming an author all your life. To you, this recurring dream is a million times more powerful than your other life dreams; winning the lottery, walking on the moon, recording your own pop single and being asked to dance your own version of Swan Lake with a national ballet company at forty-four years of age and with no formal dance training.
This annoying author dream has reached the nagging stage. It won’t leave you alone.
Sadly your author dream starts to feel unobtainable. Stories of rejection and writer despair nibble away at you. You struggle to write a book, because you have so little time. At times, you question why you put so much effort into writing and do not get instant results. Your draft book makes you feel sick when you look at it and you can only imagine your father buying your debut romance novel.
So, instead of doing something constructive with your dream, you decide to make it go away.
For all those who feel like they are approaching this stage, here is a list of TRIED and TESTED pointless things you can try to make that nagging author dream go away.
- Quit writing.
- Promise to never write anything ever again, not even a shopping list.
- Run away screaming at the mention of the word, ‘writing’.
- Chuck all your drafts on the bonfire.
- Throw all your drafts in the paper bin (but struggle to delete electronic versions).
- Tweet and use the hashtag #exwriter
- Bury all your stories in a hole in the garden.
- Leave your writing notebook in a hotel room for cleaning staff.
- Hide in bushes when you spot local writers coming your way.
- Claim you have amnesia about your writing career.
- Stick your fingers in your ears and say, ‘la la la la’ at the mention of writing.
- Lock all your writing folders away in the shed.
- Type out an eviction notice for all the characters living in your head.
- Issue eviction notice to all characters living inside your head.
- Put all your projects up for adoption.
- Tear your draft novel into tiny pieces and use as confetti at a local wedding.
- Stick all projects into a large envelope and post overseas to a random address.
- Magically make your writing career disappear.
- Legally divorce yourself from writing.
- Leave your writing folder in your teenage daughter’s messy bedroom.
- Shove your folder down the side of the bed where things are rarely seen again.
- Swear at your projects and call them bad names.
- Put your writing on a hot spin washing machine cycle.
- Leave everything under a train seat and get off at the next station.
- Stick it in a large bottle and chuck out to sea.
- Turn all your projects into paper mache and build elaborate sculptures on the lawn.
- Take up a brand new hobby and throw yourself into it.
- Use your projects as dinner mats.
- Use your projects as cushions for small children who can’t reach the dinner table.
- Quit all forms of social media.
- Try to forget about your life as a writer.
- Stop reading.
- Avoid bookshops.
- Announce you are taking a break from writing…and end up doing nothing but write stuff.
- Tell yourself, if the traditional publishing route hasn’t worked, my author dream is over.
These are all pointless.
No matter what you try to make it go away, the author dream comes back louder and stronger than ever.
It will find a way to poke its head through all the invisible crap you try to put in front of it.
Trust me, I have tried on numerous occasions. The urge to become an author never goes away. It is like that baddie in Terminator, the one which keeps getting back up and coming at you.
There is no escape from the author dream.
It will find a way to turn you into one.
Just keep writing x