She’s back! Roxy Collins and her diary entries have returned for a third series.
Before I kick off with Roxy’s latest diary entry, here’s a quick Q&A for new readers and a much-needed refresh for Roxy fans.
Who is Roxy Collins?
Roxy is a thirty something, single mother, looking for love fourth time around.
Her first partner Jon and father to Matilda ran off with a butcher, called Paul. Her second partner, Rob The Fish, had an affair with a blonde barmaid and Marcus, her third love, was caught in the act with her cousin, Mags.
Roxy is still hoping she can find her Prince Charming.
She has four kids (Matilda, 18, Harry, 12, Toby 10 & Hope 18 months), some wobbly bits on her hips and thighs, which no diet can get rid of and they all live with her mother, Lynn.
What do I need to know?
Time has moved on since series two. Her kids are older and baby Hope has joined the fun. This is a new stage in Roxy’s life.
Her best mates are still Shaz, Orange Lorna (addicted to fake bakes) and Useful Kim (ex-convict). They were going to open a beauty salon, but things did not go entirely to plan.
In series two Roxy entered, ‘Search For a Star’ TV Singing competition’ and got through to the semi finals. She pulled out of fulfilling her life dream, because she fell pregnant with Marcus’s daughter, Hope.
Lynn, Roxy’s mother has opened a cafe, ‘Coffee and a Cwtch‘.
For noting, ‘Cwtch’ is Welsh for cuddle or hug. It’s pronounced ‘kutch’ and rhymes with ‘butch.’
Roxy and Matilda both work at ‘Coffee and a Cwtch.’
Here is today’s diary entry:
A long queue of customers are waiting for their coffee. The pink-faced man at the front is drumming his fingers on the counter and the scary looking woman stood behind him is huffing and puffing.
My mother, Matilda and I are all stood reading the last few pages of local author, Gwyneth Evans’s latest book, ‘Knight of the Passion Roundtable.’
“Good grief,” exclaims my mother, dabbing at her brow with a tissue. “Gwyneth has certainly come up trumps with this saucy page turner.”
Matilda gets out her phone and takes a selfie of the front cover. “Am going to put this on Snapchat and tell everyone to read it.”
“Much better than her last book if you ask me,” explains my mother. “Gwyneth made me feel like I was there in the queen’s boudoir.”
I shake my head. “It was a bit predictable.”
Both my mother and Matilda turn to stare at me.
“Predictable, Roxy, really?” questions my mother. “Gwyneth wrote the first few chapters so well, I questioned whether that sexy knight would ever win the affections of his queen.”
I roll my eyes and curse myself for agreeing to read something other than vampire romance books, which for the record are not predictable.
“I think Gwyneth based the wild Queen character on me,” explains my mother, running her hand through her hair. “As Gwyneth is local I wouldn’t be surprised if she used some of us for book fodder.”
“She knows Great Aunt Vera,” adds Matilda.
My mother nods. “In the book Vera was the old mad woman of the village. I won’t say anything to Vera but as soon as that character started cursing everyone I knew it was her. Don’t tell Vera I said this though.”
Matilda pats my mother on the shoulder, whilst texting something into her phone. “What time is Gwyneth’s book launch party?”
“Kick off at eleven. Before I forget, Roxy, as part of the promotional deal, I said you would go on a blind date with her nephew. He’s dressing in a knight’s outfit today to support Gwyneth’s book launch.”
“What?” Matilda and I say in unison.
My mother turns to me. “Gwyneth took ages on deciding where to hold her book launch party. I knew her new book would pull in the punters so I had to up my sales pitch game. On Facebook Gwyneth has been worried about her lonely nephew so when she let it slip about how she was thinking of using the tea shop on the other side of town I came up with the idea..”
“Excuse me, can someone get me a coffee?” The man at the front of the queue is getting impatient.
We all glare at him and go back to discussing the important matter of the day; my surprise blind date with some guy in a knight outfit.
“When is this blind date supposed to happen?” I stare at my mother as my body starts to tremble with rage. How dare she fix me up with some King Arthur wannabe!
“Straight after. Just take him for a drink or something.”
Matilda frowns at my mother. “Will Gwyneth’s nephew be in full armour on the blind date?”
My mother gives my arm a reassuring squeeze. “Come on, please do this for me? Gwyneth told me he’s had his heart-broken a number of times and he’s now talking about stopping dating altogether. This blind date could do wonders for you and my coffee shop takings.”
Folding my arms across my chest I snap, “I don’t like the fact how you have used my love life as a bargaining chip to secure coffee shop business.”
“Gwyneth’s books sold out in the bookshop within an hour, Roxy,” explains my mother. “Just think what her latest book launch here could do for our business. He could be your knight in shining armour.” She clutches her hands together in a prayer like pose. “He could rescue you.”
“From what?” I exclaim, “Marcus wanted to rescue me and looked what happened there. I don’t need rescuing and I don’t need a knight in shining armour, thank you very much.”
Matilda taps me on the arm. “Look at the wider benefits, if you marry him, you can have a medieval style wedding. Think of the Instagram potential.”
Allowing myself to daydream about a medieval style wedding whilst sweeping the floor.
But something isn’t right with my daydream. Hunky knight rides a white stallion, with me tucked on the back, clad in a long flowing white dress and flowers in my hair.
Hang on, I don’t want to be tucked on the back, I want to be the one riding the white stallion AND him tucked on the back.
Stand taller (with broom) after powerful daydream about me taking control in my love life.
“What do you think about your blind date with Gwyneth’s knight?” Matilda asks, whilst frothing milk.
I hand over a large latte to a man and shrug my shoulders. “Bit annoyed. Can’t believe a blind date with me was the deal breaker.”
Matilda watches my mother hold the door open for Gwyneth. “Nan’s got a business brain on her.”
My daydream comes back and once again I visualise myself being a strong woman in a new relationship. “I don’t need some knight in shining armour,” I say. “this time around things will be different.” In my head I am in control of the white stallion, even though I can’t ride a horse to save my life. “Anyway, what sort of man needs his aunt to sort out his love life for him?”
“Can I have your attention please?” My mother is standing on a chair at the front of the coffee shop.
There must be about fifty people packed into the coffee shop. All have ordered drinks and cakes. I am impressed at my mother’s business prowess.
“Today we have got the town’s answer to J.K. Rowling, Gwyneth Evans.” My mother points to the little brown-haired woman, sat behind the mountain of books in the corner.
“Gwyneth is launching her new book, Knight of the Passion Roundtable, so please head over to the table in the corner and grab a copy. Everyone at Coffee and a Cwtch hasn’t stopped talking about it.”
The sound of the doorbell and clinking armour makes us all turn our heads. Matilda and I gasp as a giant of a man, stuffed inside heavy, metal knight armour shuffles into the coffee shop.
Conversation stops. All heads turn towards the knight who staggers and creaks awkwardly across the coffee shop towards his aunt.
Under all the heavy armour a deep voice is letting out a series of groans.
“We have also been joined by…..” My mother’s voice fades as she watches the armoured spectacle . “The knight from the… umm…Passion Roundtable.”
“In a ridiculous outfit,” moans the knight who goes to stand by Gwyneth.
A beam spreads across Gwyneth’s face, “ignore my nephew, Tom, he needs to read my book.”
I find myself smiling as the knight puts one armoured arm against the wall. “No passion from this knight,” he gasps. “I am sweating buckets.”
Before I have time to gather my thoughts the door flies open. Great Aunt Vera and the gang from her nursing home have just arrived, via minibus, to attend Gwyneth’s book launch party. They are all big fans of Gwyneth’s books.
My mother gestures for me to push Great Aunt Vera in her wheelchair over to the table where Gwyneth is sat and the suited knight is stood.
“Hello Gwyneth, my dear,” croaks Great Aunt Vera. “I haven’t read it yet, but did our agreement go to plan?”
“What agreement?” I frown at Great Aunt Vera. At ninety-two my great-aunt can be very mischievous.
Gwyneth nods and smiles at Great Aunt Vera. “Yes, you are in the book, Vera.”
Great Aunt Vera gasps and then leans into whisper, “please tell me I had a good part because Roxy’s mother, Lynn, seems to think I have been cast as the old mad woman of the village. I will be telling Lynn later that her grand-daughter texts me everything and that Lynn needs to watch her mouth.”
Gwyneth winks at my Great Aunt Vera. “You are the queen who gets to know this particular knight very well.”
A coughing sound comes from inside the knight’s helmet.
I gasp and stare at Gwyneth. “The queen is a bit wild. Have you really based her on Great Aunt Vera?”
Gwyneth nods. Great Aunt Vera taps the table with her walking stick. “This will wipe the smile off Lynn’s face. Roxy, I might be ninety-two, but up here (taps her forehead) I live a wild life. The things that go on inside my mind.”
More coughing erupts from the knight’s helmet.
Great Aunt Vera has asked my mother to push her over to a quiet corner to discuss Gwyneth’s book.
I am standing by Tom, the knight, watching Gwyneth greet her book fans.
“Hello, do you work here?” With a series of clanks and clinks he turns to me.
I stare up at the face peering at me through his helmet. “Yes I do.”
Tom shuffles in his armour. “Do you know of someone called Roxy Collins?”
His armour creaks. “The owner of this place said that my aunt could only do a book launch party here….if I went on a date with this Roxy Collins person.”
I glare at my mother. “That’s not the story I was told.”
Tom swaps his shield to the left hand and leans against the door to the coffee shop toilet. “I have heard this Roxy Collins is a bit of a live wire. That’s why I have come in armour. Don’t know why she has to get her mother to sort out her love life though. Do you know this Roxy by any chance?”
I turn to him. “I am Roxy Collins”
Taken by surprise at my reply he somehow leans too hard against the toilet door and crashes right through it.
I am now standing over a knight in armour sprawled across the coffee shop toilet floor.
All conversation stops as Great Aunt Vera looks over and says, “Calm down, Roxy, your blind date has not started yet.”
I did not expect to be helping a six foot knight to his feet today.
Once he’s upright he fiddles with his silver helmet. After a few heaves he lets out a groan. “This is awkward. My helmet is stuck.”
I roll my eyes and shake my head at him. “What sort of a knight gets his helmet stuck?”
He tries again but it won’t budge.
I can’t take much more so I grab his helmet and yank.
It eventually comes off and he shakes his sweat clad brown curly hair.
“How about a date then?” He says, with a boyish grin and large coffee coloured eyes.”
I survey his heavy armour. “You coming dressed like that?”
He shrugs (and creaks). “Have you ever gone on a date with someone in full armour before?”
I am helping Tom shuffle out of the coffee shop. We are going to the local pub for our blind date.
As we head out of the door, my mother stands on a chair, points to Tom and I, and shouts, “here at Coffee and a Cwtch romantic dreams are coming true. Thanks to Gwyneth’s book my Roxy now has a date.”
A surprised looking lady turns to my mother. “She read the book and got a date with him?”
My mother nods and winks at Gwyneth. “Yes, my Roxy read the book and is now going on a date with a handsome knight.”
“I wasn’t going to buy a copy but on seeing that I think I will,” says the woman. “Online sites are not giving me much action at the moment. Might get a book for my sister too, as she could do with a new man. Her husband’s an idiot. I told her not to marry him but she wouldn’t listen. Let me buy a copy and send it to her.”
“Look what we have started,” says Tom, giving me a wink.
There will be more Roxy next week.