She’s back! Roxy Collins and her diary entries have returned for a third series.
Before I kick off with Roxy’s latest diary entry, here’s a quick Q&A for new readers and a much-needed refresh for Roxy fans.
Who is Roxy Collins?
Roxy is a thirty something, single mother, looking for love fourth time around.
Her first partner Jon and father to Matilda ran off with a butcher, called Paul. Her second partner, Rob The Fish, had an affair with a blonde barmaid and Marcus, her third love, was caught in the act with her cousin, Mags.
Roxy is still hoping she can find her Prince Charming.
She has four kids (Matilda, 18, Harry, 12, Toby 10 & Hope 18 months), some wobbly bits on her hips and thighs, which no diet can get rid of and they all live with her mother, Lynn.
What do I need to know?
Time has moved on since series two. Her kids are older and baby Hope has joined the fun. This is a new stage in Roxy’s life.
Her best mates are still Shaz, Orange Lorna (addicted to fake bakes) and Useful Kim (ex-convict). They were going to open a beauty salon, but things did not go entirely to plan.
In series two Roxy entered, ‘Search For a Star’ TV Singing competition’ and got through to the semi finals. She pulled out of fulfilling her life dream, because she fell pregnant with Marcus’s daughter, Hope.
Lynn, Roxy’s mother has opened a cafe, ‘Coffee and a Cwtch‘.
For noting, ‘Cwtch’ is Welsh for cuddle or hug. It’s pronounced ‘kutch’ and rhymes with ‘butch.’
Roxy and Matilda both work at ‘Coffee and a Cwtch.’
Here is today’s diary entry:
The queue for coffee at ‘Coffee and a Cwtch’ is so long it snakes out of the coffee shop door.
My mother, Matilda and I have got distracted. We are all stood staring at the poster on the wall behind us, promoting our coffee shop’s first evening event, Speed Dating Night.
“Do you think we will get many speed daters?” Matilda asks, twirling a long stand of hair around her manicured finger.
My mother straightens her leopard print blouse. “Well, we are all taking part. Useful Kim, and Orange Lorna are also keen to try it.”
Matilda inspects her pink nails. “I am more concerned about how many men are coming. Preferably young ones.”
“Trevor is coming. Useful Kim is hoping he can find a nice young lady to date.” My mother grins at Matilda.
My teenage daughter makes a face. “Ugh – not Trevor. Anyway he fancies Orange Lorna.”
A disgruntled customer raps his hand on the counter. “Can I order some coffee?”
We all turn round and glare at him, before turning back to the important matter of the day, the speed dating event.
“Trevor does not fancy his mother’s best friend,” I say, shaking my head. As I am a close friend to both Useful Kim and Orange Lorna I would know important stuff like this.
My mother takes out a nail file and starts to shape one of her red nails. “I have had a few phone enquiries from men plus I went into the Crown last night and handed out a few leaflets. We are three hot and happening ladies who run a popular coffee shop so single men everywhere will be making a beeline for us tonight.”
My mother turns to me. “Roxy, what’s happening with Tom?”
A memory from my date with Tom, the knight in shining armour, comes racing back to me. “He’s a nice guy. We’ve exchanged a few texts and last night he told me he’s a…. farmer. Can you see me dating an agricultural man?”
My mother and Matilda cast each other a worried glance.
“I am sure you can put your mind to anything, Roxy.” My mother applies a thick layer of pink lipstick.
I lean in and whisper, “I got a bit carried away. I may have told a tiny white lie in the pub. He thinks I grew up on a farm.”
Matilda and my mother quickly turn back to our customers.
The queue has died down now. All three of us are once again leaning against the counter looking up at the poster.
“So, how long do we have with our speed dates?” I turn to my mother.
“Three minutes to tell them all about yourself and maybe ask them at the end their name or something.”
‘Coffee and a Cwtch’ is packed with eager speed daters.
All the women are sat along a line of tables with chairs in front. The men have to move along the line, spending three minutes talking to each one.
My son, Harry is the time-keeper and is standing on a chair with a horn. I like to get my kids involved in family run events.
With so many people packed into the coffee shop it is hard to see which men are taking part.
Matilda is on the table next to me and on the other side is my mother. Down the row I can see Useful Kim and Orange Lorna.
Useful Kim gives me a wave. She points at Orange Lorna who is busy getting ready for speed dating by taking selfies of herself.
We listen to my mother open the event and explain how things will work.
“This will be interesting,” says Matilda, craning her neck to get a look at the crowd in the coffee shop. “I don’t see many fit young men or handsome strangers.”
I stare at the table in front of me and think about my date with Tom. A few issues are now running through my head.
“You daydreaming about Farmer Tom?” Matilda says with a smirk.
After a long exhale I let out what is on my mind. “I wish I hadn’t got carried away with drinking wine in the pub and told him I was raised on a farm. His world feels so different to mine.”
Matilda flicks out her hair. “Look at it this way. Hope’s nappies smell like something from a farm-yard, Harry’s bedroom is similar to a filthy sty and you always say that trying to get all of us in a car is like herding cattle.”
I reflect on what she has just said. Maybe things aren’t so different?
My mother lets out a high pitch squeal and hurries to her table.
The horn signals the start of our Speed Dating Night and a cheer erupts inside ‘Coffee and a Cwtch’.
Things are not going to plan here at the Speed Dating Night.
So far I have had the following speed dates:
- The butcher, who wanted to know who my mother was seeing. Considering the rumours going around the town about my mother and the butcher, caught naked in his shop, with strategically placed strips of bacon and a ring of sausages around their necks, I am surprised to see him at the speed dating event.
- Harry’s friend’s father from football, who didn’t want a date, but instead my advice on his love life.
- Adam, Matilda’s ex boyfriend who wanted to know how to win her back.
- Trevor, Useful Kim’s twenty-five year old son, who admitted he does have a huge crush on Orange Lorna, but doesn’t know what to do about it. Matilda smirked at me as I hinted to Trevor the twenty year age gap might prove awkward. He ignored me and said her latest fake bake had turned her body into a beautiful copper colour.
My mother is looking fed up as she has endured:
- The butcher, who wanted to know when she was going to be buying more sausages.
- The landlord from the Crown, who sadly didn’t want a date with her, but wanted to know whether she would run a similar event in his pub.
- One of the men from the rugby club who wanted to know why she finished their relationship by text.
- Steve from Slough, one of her dates from the online site, who wanted a chance to show her in person his latest Elvis outfit.
I don’t think I can take much more speed dating.
To my surprise the next person who sits at my table is my ex landlord Brian.
A few weeks after Hope was born, Brian’s wife, Patricia, sadly passed away. It was sudden and unexpected. She had a heart attack whilst pruning her award-winning roses. Brian stood up at the funeral and told everyone Patricia had passed over whilst doing something she loved, although he then explained Patricia would have preferred to finish the pruning before being whisked up to heaven. He said Patricia didn’t like things left unfinished and he then went onto say the half completed pruning would bug her for eternity.
“Brian,” I exclaim. “You’re a bit old for me at 69.”
He casts me an awkward look. “I am getting lonely in that bungalow.”
I give his arm a squeeze. “This is the first step. Okay, let me be your dating adviser.”
He yanks it back in a flash. “No.”
“It’s lovely to see you, Brian, have you missed me?”
He shakes his head. “Honestly, no I have not missed your constant life chaos, your feral children and the accidents in my car.”
I cast him a loving smile. It’s so good to see he hasn’t changed after all that he’s been through.”I miss you a lot, Brian.”
We talk some more and then the horn goes. I watch Brian move onto my mother, who has just waved off the butcher.
I look up to see Tom grinning at me. He’s not in his knight armour today and looks very dashing in a navy shirt and smart jeans. “I saw you and the old guy getting close,” he says with a grin. “I had this mad urge to come and invite you to my farm for a day.”
My eyebrows shoot up my forehead in surprise.
Tom nodded. “As a farm girl you can show me a few tricks.”
I should be worried about how he believes I was raised on a farm, but I can’t drag my eyes away from his handsome face.
“Please, Roxy, I think you would look very sexy in farming wear.”
I stifle a burst of new outfit excitement.
“You can bring all your kids?”
I stare at him in surprise. “How do you know I had kids?”
“Aunty Gwyneth told me. Don’t worry she’s filled me on the five kids and four dads.”
“Actually its four kids and three dads.”
He waves his hand. “Minor detail.”
Blimey, here is a man who doesn’t seem put off by all my children or ex partners!
The horn goes just as Tom leans in for an unexpected kiss.
The speed dating event is over. Useful Kim has taken me aside. “Trevor fancies my best mate. She’s twice his age.”
I nod sympathetically.
“He wants to ask her out on a double spray tan date. Roxy, this speed dating night has not been great for me.” She hangs her black permed head.
I give her arm a reassuring rub. “Trevor is old enough now to make his own dating decisions. Anyway I am sure Orange Lorna wouldn’t even consider dating your son.”
It is then we both catch sight of Orange Lorna and Trevor locked in a passionate embrace by the door.
“So when’s our date, farm girl?” Tom asks, coming to stand beside me.
I blush and make a mental note to order a farm related romance book from Amazon tonight. It will get me in the mood and at the same time I can pick up some farming lingo.
He places a giant arm across my shoulders. “I can’t wait, Roxy Collins.”
The sound of laugher makes us both turn our heads to the other side of the coffee shop. My mother and Brian are sat at the little cosy table by the window.
“Is he a family friend?” Tom asks gesturing towards Brian.
“He used to be my landlord and emotional rock in life,” I say, with a frown.
I let out a sigh. “Brian got rid of unwanted drunken ex boyfriends, he helped me search the streets for Matilda during her rebellious years, he looked after my kids when I had no childcare, he comforted me when my heart had been broken and he rescued me from disastrous dates.”
Tom raises his cup in Brian’s direction. “Wow, so he’s a proper hero.”
I nod. “His wife died last year and he says he’s lonely.” I suddenly feel very protective of Brian. Obviously I love my mother, but I know she’s got strong feelings for the bloke in the electrical shop, Steve from Slough, the butcher and the landlord of the Crown pub. Brian has only ever dated Patricia and his heart cannot be ready to take on loving my mother.
Tom and I watch my mother stroke Brian’s cheek.
“She’s going to kiss him,” observes Tom.
I shake my head. “No, she’s just being friendly.”
The sight of my mother and Brian leaning over for a kiss brings my heart to shuddering stop.
Shouts from the door to the coffee shop can be heard. Useful Kim is trying to break up Orange Lorna and Trevor. “He’s still a baby at twenty-five, leave him alone!”
Orange Lorna glares at Useful Kim. “You should be happy your son has finally gone for a lady with class!”
Useful Kim lets out an angry shriek. “You’re not what I would call classy.”
“What do you mean by that?” roars Orange Lorna, grabbing hold of Useful Kim’s leather jacket.
Trevor fails to stop his mother and his mother’s best friend from hitting each other.
I let out an inner groan as a fight breaks out by the door, my mother pulls Brian closer for a passionate kiss and Steve from Slough, in his extravagant white Elvis suit, starts to sob loudly into his coffee.
There will be more Roxy next week.