She’s back! Roxy Collins and her diary entries have returned for a third series.
Before I kick off with Roxy’s latest diary entry, here’s a quick Q&A for new readers and a much-needed refresh for Roxy fans.
Who is Roxy Collins?
Roxy is a thirty something, single mother, looking for love fourth time around.
Her first partner Jon and father to Matilda ran off with a butcher, called Paul. Her second partner, Rob The Fish, had an affair with a blonde barmaid and Marcus, her third love, was caught in the act with her cousin, Mags.
Roxy is still hoping she can find her Prince Charming.
She has four kids (Matilda, 18, Harry, 12, Toby 10 & Hope 18 months), some wobbly bits on her hips and thighs, which no diet can get rid of and they all live with her mother, Lynn.
What do I need to know?
Time has moved on since series two. Her kids are older and baby Hope has joined the fun. This is a new stage in Roxy’s life.
Her best mates are still Shaz, Orange Lorna (addicted to fake bakes) and Useful Kim (ex-convict). They were going to open a beauty salon, but things did not go entirely to plan.
In series two Roxy entered, ‘Search For a Star’ TV Singing competition’ and got through to the semi finals. She pulled out of fulfilling her life dream, because she fell pregnant with Marcus’s daughter, Hope.
Lynn, Roxy’s mother has opened a cafe, ‘Coffee and a Cwtch‘.
For noting, ‘Cwtch’ is Welsh for cuddle or hug. It’s pronounced ‘kutch’ and rhymes with ‘butch.’
Roxy and Matilda both work at ‘Coffee and a Cwtch.’
Here is today’s diary entry:
My mother is busy giving a disgruntled coffee shop customer a cwtch. He wasn’t happy about the length of time it took one of us to serve him and claimed his skinny latte with an extra shot was made out the back with a sachet of instant coffee and some hot water.
“Come here, Reginald,” whispers my mother, pulling him closer and stroking his head. “Shhhhhh….there’s a good boy….Reginald – do you know you are my favourite customer?”
He lifts his head from her shoulder and looks at her with surprise. “Do you really mean that, Lynn?”
Whilst my mother handles the complaint, Matilda, Patricia, a regular at Coffee and a Cwtch, and I discuss my date tomorrow with Tom. It is going to take place on his farm.
On our first date, in the local pub, I got carried away, after consuming a few glasses of white wine. Feeling light headed and a bit giddy, I gave him the impression I grew up on a farm and was a farming expert.
My knowledge of the agricultural world actually came from a stressful week’s holiday on a farm with the kids when they were young.
I don’t know why I made out to be such an expert on farming. Tom has now started calling me, farm girl, which does not bode well. I must now put a cunning plan together to help me survive the date with Tom.
“I need to understand the farming world, the things they like to do and how they talk,” I explain to Matilda and Patricia. “In twenty four hours.”
“Can’t you just come clean and tell him you had too many glasses of wine?” Matilda asks.
I shake my head. “He’ll think I am crazy or something, I can’t do that.”
“Do you not think he knew you were talking rubbish?”
I can feel my newly dyed and waxed eyebrows rising up my forehead. “He said my approach to milking a cow by hand was interesting.”
“OMG, Mam, you were shown how to milk one cow on a farm visit whilst on holiday and now you make out you’re an expert.”
“No one else in our farm visit group managed to get milk out. The farmer who showed us round his farm said I was a natural at squeezing my hand in a certain way and getting the milk to squirt out.”
Matilda rolls her eyes. “He fancied you, even I guessed that and I was only a kid.”
I look away. “Not true.”
She picks up my kindle from underneath the counter. “Hang on, did that book about the farmer romance not help?”
Amazon offered me some assistance by selling an erotic fiction novel about a sexy farmer, but so far I have found it is focused on other things, rather than giving me an insight into the life of a farmer. I shake my head. “Half way through and I’ve not found a lot of information on farming. I am going to stay hopeful.”
Matilda casts me a worrying look. “Not sure the last half of an erotic fiction novel is going to be educational, Mam.”
Patricia plops two sugar lumps into her coffee. “Roxy, let me help you. The phrase you need to be dropping into conversations with your farmer boyfriend is – when are you next at the Farmers Market?”
Matilda and I shoot Pat a puzzled look. “What?”
“I knew a farmer called Bryn and he was obsessed with selling stuff at the Farmers Market.”
“What sort of stuff?” I ask. “Farmyard animals and tractors?”
Patricia frowns. “No, Bryn sold his own chutneys and homemade pork pies.”
“I thought you would have to talk about crops and lambs being born with a farmer?” Matilda asks.
A wide smile spreads across Patricia’s face. “The Farmers Market was the highlight of his week. It was the place to be for him. He loved making and selling his pork pies. I was quite taken by his exciting selection of homemade chutneys.”
“Sounds riveting,” says Matilda, with an air of sarcasm.
“Okay, I will make sure I talk about Farmers Markets, exciting chutney flavours and homemade pork pies.”
A noise behind makes us look over at my mother, who has pulled Reginald in for another cwtch.
“Can you imagine Nana running a farm?” Matilda gestures towards my mother, with her arms wrapped around Reginald, oblivious to the long queue of customers waiting for coffee.
“None of her farm animals would be deprived of cwtches,” mutters Patricia. “But, getting fed and watered might be an issue for them.”
I am sat at a table with Useful Kim and Orange Lorna.
They are sat apart from each other due to the argument the other day over Useful Kim’s son Trevor. Neither is looking at the other and Orange Lorna is keeping herself busy by taking selfies and pouting into her phone camera.
“What shall I wear on my farming date?”
Useful Kim smiles and reaches down to pick up a plastic bag. “I knew you would want my help so I picked up these for you.”
“What are they?” I take the plastic bag.
“Riding jodhpurs. All the farm people wear them. They love their horses.” Useful Kim takes a sip of coffee.
I scratch my head. “How do you know this?”
“Shared a cell with a farmer once. She talked non stop about her horses.”
“But I don’t ride and have never been on a horse,” I murmur, feeling a little uncomfortable.
“Roxy, you have to look the part on a farm,” urges Useful Kim. “Now, I took a guess with your size, but they are stretchy so you will be fine.”
I check them out. “What do I wear on my feet? I can’t stand wellies.”
Useful Kim and I both bend down to look at my current footwear; a pair of laced up, black stiletto heeled boots.
“They would look okay with jodhpurs, wouldn’t they?” I turn my foot to show Useful Kim.
She nods. “Yea, you could be like a fashion conscious farmer girl, who is ready to jump on her horse at any moment, but still likes to wear high heels around the place.”
A burst of new outfit excitement takes hold of me.
Orange Lorna’s phone bleeps. “Oh that must be…” She stops and ignores Useful Kim’s glare.
“If that’s my son texting you…” growls Useful Kim. “He’s still a baby at twenty five and you are clocking forty five.”
Orange Lorna shakes her head. “Actually I am early forties. Forty four to be precise. I hate to say this but its love between Trevor and I.”
I make a fast exit from the table before the fight breaks out.
The kids and I are having an emergency family meeting about the date tomorrow. Tom has encouraged me to bring my kids and make it more of a family day out. This should be interesting.
“Now, remember if he asks, I know all about farming,” I say, surveying all their smiling faces.
Hope, eighteen months, giggles on Harry’s lap, turns round and sticks her soggy biscuit to his cheek.
Toby fidgets. “Malcolm [his imaginary friend] says he can’t lie. You spent one week in a deluxe caravan in a field near a farm, went on a farm visit and milked an old cow, that doesn’t make you an expert.”
I let out a groan. “Malcolm is not coming is he?”
Toby nods. “Malcolm is excited about having a day out at the farm. He says it will be fun, educational and it will teach you a valuable lesson about telling lies on dates.”
I flick my eyes to the floor and wish Toby had picked a more easy going imaginary friend.
Matilda points at the jodhpurs on the table. “Please tell me you are not going to make out you can ride a horse?”
I shake my head. “No, I just want to look the part. Plus I will also be asking him a lot about when he’s going down the Farmers Market.”
“I thought you were reading a book about farming?” Harry asks, after wiping away Hope’s biscuit from his face.
I grab my kindle. “Yes I am although not much farming is taking place,” I say, gazing at the paragraph about the sexy farmer and the beautiful female visitor lying in the hay.
Matilda twirls a strand of hair around her finger. “If you pull this off, Mam, I will be impressed.”
Toby raises his hand. “Malcolm says all your other dating lies in previous relationship didn’t go so well. He wants to remind you of the time you were in Greece and you told that man in the sea you were an excellent swimmer.”
I glare at Toby. “Malcolm wasn’t even there!”
“No, but he did listen to you on the phone from Greece telling us how you nearly drowned and had to be saved by that guy Dan. Malcolm says given the amount of white froth you churn up in the swimming pool, even he knows you are not the best swimmer!”
Words fail me.
“Malcolm also wants to remind you about when you dated the gardener, Derek and you said you loved growing flowers. When walking around a garden centre, you couldn’t name a single one.”
Why did my son have to choose a ‘know it all’ for an imaginary friend?
Tom has just text me. It reads, ‘how are the preparations for our date going? You are quiet today so I am assuming you are busy researching farming..’
Why do I get the feeling he has guessed I am no farming expert?
Roxy will be back next week with romantic fun at the farm!