On those gloomy writing days when it feels like the world has turned away from our stories, we can always rely on our pets to make us smile again.
Pets play an important role in the life of a writer. They use the magical power of animal love to soothe our anxious writer brains. Unlike some human family members, who are too busy watching sport or having a teenage meltdown, our pets are always on hand to give us a wet kiss, a sniff, a lick or a lap cuddle after a rejection or a bad writing day.
So, I have given some thought to the job description for a writer’s pet. Here goes:
Vacancy For A Writer’s Pet.
About The Role:
Animal needed to provide long-term emotional and creative support to a writer.
Can vary each week. Dependent upon a number of factors:
- The writer’s feelings towards their work.
- The writer’s procrastination levels.
- The amount of emotional support a writer gets from a human loved one. If they don’t get enough emotional support the pet will have to step in and do overtime.
This is a live-in-role. The pet will have to live with the writer.
Key Duties / Responsibilities:
- Must be able to look cute at short notice and willing to star in Instagram pics when the writer is busy procrastinating.
- Must be able to look alert at the start and end of the writer’s 678th recital of their first chapter. During the rest of the time they can go to sleep.
- Must be willing to be named after one of the writer’s characters. They must accept that their pet name could be changed at the drop of a hat should the writer decide they hate their story.
- Must be able to sense the writer is having an emotional breakdown over their writing and allow the writer to sob hysterically into their fur.
- Must be willing to accept the writer will be constantly creating imaginary and elaborate lives for them. These imaginary lives can vary with each writer and will be dependent upon the writer’s preferred genre. The pet might find they spent many years travelling across magical lands, fought in a great battle and were a stowaway on a famous voyage before they came to live with the writer. It’s important the pet just plays along with this.
- Must be willing to sit and listen to the writer’s literary woes.
- Must be able to keep the writer’s keyboard warm when they are away from their desk.
- Must be willing to [enter pet sound of choice] or choose from growl or hiss or honk or quack, at the mention of a best-selling, chart topping author who the writer dislikes.
- Must be willing to feature in their writer’s stories and novels.
- Must get the urge to chew up the writer’s paper manuscript or walk muddy paws over it whilst the writer’s back is turned. All writers secretly love this.
- Must be willing to perform amusing animal stunts or tricks for inclusion within the writer’s tweets, blog posts and author newsletters.
- Must accept that the writer will regularly ask them questions like, “what do you think about that chapter…my reviewers thought the start was a little weak…your thoughts?” and “what do you think about my foreshadowing?” and “do you think I will ever be an international best-selling author?”
About you – the pet:
- You will be loyal, patient and generous with your animal kisses.
- You will quickly realise that you will always get fed during your owner’s editing session. Unlike other human family members who will have to fend for themselves.
- You will be able to look interested when your human reads their latest draft. Unlike other human family members you will not raise an eyebrow at the opening sentence or mutter ‘unrealistic’ as you go about your business in the kitchen.
- You will know how to strike a good pet pose on a pet selfie.
- You will be able to break wind during stressful writing moments, like when your owner is sobbing as they type out the death of a much loved character. Your animal wind will send your owner running for the lavender air freshener. By the time they have doused the living room they won’t be upset anymore and will be thinking about how they can make the character death more punchy.
- You will know how to comfort your tearful owner after your pet selfie has got more likes and comments on Facebook than their latest piece of flash fiction.
- This role is paid in love and animal treats.
- If the writer becomes famous you will be known as their pet. This may result in you getting your own blog, Instagram or Facebook following.
- You will get to hear the writer’s latest work before anyone else. You lucky animal!
- You will be known for keeping your writer sane.
Please let me know if you think I have missed any key roles or responsibilities.
Thanks for reading,
Have a great day.
A big shout out to all writer’s pets 👍🏻