Heaven Calling – Part 2 Fictional Series #Comedy #Marriage #Dating

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Welcome to my weekly blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.

For part 1 please click here.

Recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end last week after she made a shocking discovery about her husband, Gerry. He’d decided to start dating after spending two years mourning her. Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

As she had a good working relationship with God and her team of angels, Camilla hoped they would be able to offer some assistance to her, in getting Gerry back to a state of mourning.

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The Diary of Roxy Collins – OMG He’s a Rat #romance #chicklit #MondayBlogs

 

 

thediaryof

 

Saturday

8.45 A.M. Two things have come into my life; my ex-boyfriend Dan and my youngest son Toby’s new pet rat ‘Bob’.

I can’t say I am happy with the arrival of Bob and I can’t say my landlord Brian is thrilled either. However Bob has stopped Toby talking to his imaginary friend Malcolm. Big sigh of relief!

Brian, my 67 year old landlord, clutched his chest and went an odd grey colour at the sight of Toby’s new pet. I had no other choice but to leap into action and manoeuvre Brian out of the house before he thought too much about Bob. I promised him that Bob the rat will be properly cared for and will never be left unattended to roam free around the house.

Brian staggered off down the path muttering and shaking his head.

Just listening to Toby chat away to Bob in his cage. Its great for kids to have pets. Sigh!

8.47 A.M. I need to get a wriggle on and pack my overnight  case.

I am back with my ex Dan.

Jake and I were not really suited to each other. He seemed petrified of me the whole time. I never understood why. Dan is not scared. He likes my kind of crazy!

Dan is taking me away for the night to a fancy hotel. It is a chance for us to celebrate getting back together. Shaz, my best mate, says second time around relationships are great.

I am a bit nervous. I don’t know why but I always end up getting into some sort of drama at fancy hotels. In the past I have avoided them. Rob, my ex, refused to take me to a nice hotel as he said I would end up causing a scene.

Mystic Clive, my favourite astrologer, told me that I had to take a risk this week so I accepted Dan’s gift of a night away with him in a fancy hotel.

10.15 A.M. Still not packed my overnight case. Its lying open on the kitchen table, half full with an assortment of clothes and underwear. I can’t decide what to wear for a posh dinner in a fancy hotel so I am packing at least 4 outfits. Decision will be made later.

Arguing with Matilda, my teenage daughter, about her choice of outfit to the local shopping centre with her friends.

‘It looks like a belt [her skirt] Matilda!’ I shriek pointing in horror at the miniscule strip of denim around her waist.

‘Mam its called fashion!’ Matilda yells back at me.

‘You are NOT wearing THAT and those HUGE heels – NO!’ I scream back at her.

‘I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!’ screeches Matilda.

‘Mam’ says Toby tugging at my arm.

‘Not now Toby’ I say striding after Matilda who is tottering towards the front door.

‘COME BACK HERE!’ I scream at her as she gives me a wink and opens the door.

‘Mam!’ urges Toby.

‘What?’ I snap, still glaring at Matilda.

‘Bob’s gone missing’ whispers Toby.

10.17 A.M. Time grinds to a halt as I flick my head to stare in horror at Toby.

‘Better dash Mam!’ says Matilda seizing her opportunity and slipping out of the door.

‘You promised me he wouldn’t escape’ I say to my nine year old.

‘He was anxious and needed a cuddle’ says Toby.

‘Toby he’s a RAT!’ I scream, ‘rats don’t suffer with anxiety!’

Speaking of anxiety here comes Brian, my landlord, up the path. OMG!

10.19 A.M. Brian has come to fix the loo.

‘How’s the pet Toby?’ he asks as he starts to climb the stairs.

‘He’s asleep in his cage’ I say quickly.

10.23 A.M. Toby and I are on our hands and knees searching the conservatory, whilst calling ‘Bob!’

10.32 A.M. Brian, the landlord wants to see Bob in his cage in the conservatory. My whole body is trembling. If he finds out there is a rat loose in the house the kids and I could be finding another place to rent.

Time for Roxy the actress to make an appearance!

‘Oh Brian I don’t feel very well’ I say putting my hand to my forehead.

‘You do look a bit peaky’ says Brian looking concerned.

‘Think I need to sit down’ I say slumping into a chair, whilst praying Brian will leave the kitchen and not go out into the conservatory to see the empty cage.

I place my head in my hands for maximum impact.

‘Good grief – what is that?’ exclaims Brian.

I can feel the blood drain from my face as I lift my head up, half expecting him to have found Bob the rat in the kitchen.

Brian is stood clutching his chest, looking an odd shade of grey and staring at my overnight case.

To my relief its just my choice of underwear hanging out of the case.

For the second time in a week I quietly manoeuvre my landlord out of my house and watch him walk down the path muttering and shaking his head.

11.10 A.M  Brian has left. We still haven’t found Bob the rat.

Toby is crying at the kitchen table.

Harry my other son is on the floor in the kitchen, waving bits of lettuce and shouting ‘BOB!’

2.00 P.M. Still no sign of Bob the rat.

We have been around the house shouting ‘Bob’. I haven’t even had chance to question whether rats answer to their name.

Toby and Harry are being led away snivelling by their father Rob.

3.00 P.M. Dan is outside in the car. I am off for a fancy night in a hotel.

As we pass Brian in his garden I give him a little wave and he looks away.

4.00 P.M. Whilst Dan is getting our room key I decide to head for the bar. I need a little glass of wine to take the edge off my frazzled mental state.

It has been an emotional day with Matilda’s skirt choices and the disappearance of Bob the rat.

I am also worried about my night in this beautiful hotel. It seems far too posh for me and there is always drama where I am concerned.

If anything goes wrong I will blame Mystic Clive.

4.10 P.M. Dan has joined me in the hotel bar. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and asks me whether there is anything wrong.

I explain that things never go right for me in posh hotels. Dan gives me a cuddle and tells me that we will have a wonderful night.

4.15 P.M. My phone bleeps. Its Rob, my ex, telling me that Toby is inconsolable about Bob the rat.

Here comes the mother guilt. I am sat drinking wine with handsome man whilst youngest son is having a breakdown about a lost pet!’

7.23 P.M. Doing my makeup in our hotel room. Dan has already commented how beautiful I look in my dress. He looks very handsome too.

I am stood in the bathroom trying to recreate Kim Kardashian’s contouring look but failing miserably.

‘Good grief what is that?’ screeches Dan from the bedroom.

I groan. What is it with men and my choice of underwear?

Why can’t a girl (woman in her thirties) have nice….colourful…tiny underwear garments?

I drop my makeup brush and race out of the bathroom. Dan is stood white faced by the door.

My eyes fall upon Bob the rat, sticking up out of my case and sniffing the air.

‘OMG it’s BOB!’ I scream!

‘What?? You know the RAT sticking it’s head out of your knickers ROXY?’ shrieks Dan.

I blame Mystic Clive for everything.

 

For more Roxy please click here

 

How to Write a Holiday Romance #MondayBlogs #romanticfiction #writer

How To Write a Holiday Romance-2

Photo Credit: Pixabay

In my serialised fictional podcast – The Diary of Roxy Collins, the main character Roxy has flown to Greece to persuade her hell-raising cousin Maggie to return home. The big question is whether there will be some romance for Roxy out in Greece?

I am a BIG fan of holiday romances in films, fiction and in real life too (pre wedlock days obviously). Holiday romances can be both life changing and memorable.

So, as a writer I thought it would be good to capture the key ingredients for bringing your characters together romantically, in a magical and faraway place.

After some extensive research for this blog post (which involved quizzing friends about their holiday romances – very tough!) I have drawn up the five stages for the standard holiday romance.

  1. Holiday Excitement / Go wild. This is the stage where your character realises that they are on holiday and free from the drudgery of normal life. It is an amazing feeling to be stepping onto a golden beach, looking out across a crystal clear blue sea and hearing that little voice inside you whisper “oh my goodness I am on holiday!”. Suddenly you get this powerful urge to go wild! Cue an excited shriek and a leap into the air, quickly followed by an energetic swim, a variety of fancy cocktails, a bit of a dance and topped off with some stinging sunburn and a sore head. Your character needs to let their fictional hair down and start to enjoy themselves. In Roxy’s case she’s rocking her brand new string bikini, ignoring some nagging doubts about those wobbly bits on her thighs, drinking cocktails and dancing on tables. Sigh!
  2. Unexpected Meeting of Potential Holiday Love. This is the stage where your main character will have an unexpected and unplanned meeting with their holiday love. These situations are even more magical when your character has not gone looking for love, as they might have other stuff to do or have more pressing things on their mind. Love needs to take your characters by surprise! In Roxy’s case she’s rescued a couple of times by a handsome stranger, who she initially finds annoying. I love romantic unions which start off with mild irritation.
  3. Holiday Romance. Holiday romances usually start two days before the other person has to fly home, so you have to jam pack – moonlight walks on the beach, kissing over cocktails, reading romantic poetry on a sun lounger and playing endless games of Travel Chess into a cheeky forty eight hours. By the time a holiday romance comes to an end you are normally in need of another holiday to recover…after all that Travel Chess! Sigh! So, during this stage you want to be coming up with an array of romantic activities to keep your reader and characters engaged.
  4. Delusion. This is the stage there you are in the middle of your holiday romance (normally around 6 hrs in!) and delusion strikes!  Your holiday love will live 300 miles away from you back home and might even work at a different time of day or night to you.  This does not stop your imagination from running wild and visualising an idyllic future for you both. Your brain will cleverly miss out the arduous five hour journey to see each other every second weekend, the lonely nights and the stab of jealousy when you see them enjoying a party back at home. So, as your characters both sip cocktails and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes they need to be thinking about how this holiday romance will definitely work back home and how much they adore long distance love.
  5. Heartbreak. Even if you decide to carry on the holiday romance back home there is always heartbreak at the airport. You are both tear stained and clinging onto each other like its your last day on Earth. They promise to write and call you everyday. In my experience your holiday love flies home days before you and the rest of your holiday goes downhill as you can’t face life without them. You end up consoling yourself over a few cheeky cocktails and then falling into the arms of some else  and crying into your pillow. The heartbreak continues as they NEVER contact you again, despite you showering them with letters, poetry and voice mail messages – sigh!  So for a realistic holiday romance you need to be capturing this final stage of heartbreak for your characters. I love a tearful goodbye at an airport. Make your characters fall apart emotionally as they wave farewell to their holiday love.

Please let me know whether your holiday romance carried on back home or were you like me writing War & Peace every week and not hearing a thing?  Obviously this was back in the day  when we sent handwritten letters – sigh.

I hope these handy tips on writing a holiday romance have been useful. I do like to share my own experiences in my blog posts.

Please support a blonde writer and tune into the latest Roxy podcast episode – ten minutes of holiday romance fun!

Start with the ‘The Hero’ Episode which lays the foundations for a holiday romance and then nip into ‘Cocktails, Hangovers and Ankles’ where emotions really run wild.

iTunes – please click here. 

SoundCloud – please click here. 

Have a wonderful day folks!

 

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Marcus – Part 29 #Romance #comedy

thediaryof

 

 

 

Thursday

9.15 a.m. Receive a mixed reaction from the office to my new vibrant red hair colour.

Martin, my line manager, takes one look at me, grips the desk and says ‘good grief Roxy what have you done!’

The nice men on the IT helpdesk give me a thumbs up and then ask me to fake an IT problem so they can spend time with me.

The young trendy girls in the office give me a ‘OMG – cooooooool hair!’

The older women in the office cast me a puzzled look and ask me whether the colour is permanent.

If I am honest, Wayne did get carried away with the colour of my hair. I was left speecheless when he gave me the mirror.

Matilda, my teenage daughter, arrived home from her Cheerleading training session, took one look at my hair and rolled her eyes. I then overheard her, later in her room, making a YouTube video titled ‘When your mother thinks she’s 21 again’.

9.25 a.m. Marcus, my senior manager, walks past my desk and gives me a smile. The weird fluttering sensation in my chest returns.

10.05 a.m. Receive text from Matilda, my teenage daughter, asking whether she can stay over at her new boyfriend Matt’s house tonight.

I am not sure whether Matilda thinks that I am suffering from amnesia. I have been saying no to this request for months. This is not happening. She’s not staying over at a boy’s house!

I text back ‘NO!’

Text back from Matilda ‘relax Mam, it is just like a girlie sleepover but with a boy!’

I text back ‘NO!’

Text from Matilda ‘Lou [her best friend] says her Mum would let her stay over with a boy’

I text back ‘I am not Lou’s mother!’

Text from Matila ‘Matt and I both hate you!’ and eight devil emojis.

10.20 a.m. Sat in a meeting where Marcus is presenting some business statistics.

All the department are sat on chairs in rows. Some of us are listening, some are nearly asleep (Mike from Finance), some are bored rigid, some are staring out of the window and some of us are drooling at Marcus.

For some unknown reason I can’t take my eyes off him; his fitted pink shirt, his grey pin stripe trousers and his styled grey flecked hair.

10.24 a.m. He’s still talking but I have noticed the occasional glance in my direction from him.

10.25 a.m. He’s done it again. Looked at me from across the room.

I am so glad no one else  has noticed this.

I am tapped on the shoulder, from behind, by Helen from Accounts. ‘Why does Mr Hot keep staring at you?’ she whispers.

I shrug my shoulders and keep my eyes firmly fixed on Marcus.

‘Maybe he likes your new hair colour’ Helen whispers, making me nod in agreement.

‘Maybe he fancies you!’ she whispers into my ear. The idea of Marcus being attracted to me starts to take shape. I am consumed by the fluttery sensation in my chest again and I can feel my cheeks heating up.

In an instant my brain runs through how our wedding day will look and whether or not I will invite anyone from the office to the evening celebration.

‘He’s a senior manager Roxy’ Helen whispers. My fantasy starts to crack.

‘Unlucky honey – he couldn’t date you anyway in his position of authority’ she hisses.

I turn around to glare at her face which is taut and twisted.

Helen has never really moved on from the blonde surfer who broke her heart. She hates to see anyone else getting some attention from the opposite sex.

My fantasy with Marcus is broken.

He gives me a look and I smile. The daydream was nice whilst it lasted.

For the record if I did get married Helen from Accounts will not be invited to the evening celebration.

10. 34 a.m. Get back to my desk and see email from Marcus. He wants to me come to his office as he has an update for me.

10.36 a.m. As I walk towards his office my phone bleeps. I casually peek at it and gasp. Its from Shaz, my heavily pregnant best friend.

‘I have pains – think its labour’ Shaz texts.

Quickly I text back. ‘You are four weeks early. Its probably Braxton-Hicks’

‘It hurts’ texts Shaz. She also includes eight crying emojis.

‘How many Snickers bars have you had?’ I text back.

‘Ten – why?’ texts Shaz.

‘Stop eating Snickers bars!’ I text back.

‘Are you still going to be my birthing partner?’ texts Shaz.

‘Yes – always – get some rest!’ I text back.

10. 37 a.m. I sit opposite Marcus and I can’t stop the fluttering sensation in my chest. It must be my breakfast repeating on me.

As he is on the phone I check my bag for some indigestion tablets. I don’t have any so I pop a mint.

10. 50 a.m. He finally puts down his phone and holds my gaze.

‘Roxy’ he says in his sexy smooth voice. I notice that his sea blue eyes are not sparkling today.

‘I am leaving the company’ he announces.

My heart sinks.

For a moment we both sit and stare at each other.

My phone starts ringing.

I let my phone ring. A lump has risen in my throat. I am actually sad to hear Marcus’s news.

‘There will be a formal briefing later. I wanted to tell you myself’ he says, breaking eye contact and shuffling some folders around his desk.

My phone starts ringing again from inside my handbag.

‘I am so sorry Marcus’ I say, trying not to cry. It is not good for your career to cry when a senior manager says they are leaving. All emotion must be kept to a minimum. I just hope I am not asked to sign his leaving card. I struggle with writing comments on leaving cards as my emotions run wild. I have been known to give people the wrong impression. Kevin from Accounts, who left the company, still thinks there is something between us six years on.

My phone will not stop ringing.

‘I think it is my daughter calling to tell me she hates me’ I moan, praying that whoever it decides to stop calling. I just hope Matilda has not taken it upon herself to accept Matt’s invitation of a sleep over and is now calling to tell me.

It will not be the first time that I have to physically remove her from a boy’s house. These teenage years are really hard.

Matilda seems to be a magnet for boys. I think we need to have a mother and daughter heart to heart.

‘i just wanted to say….’ he pauses. He takes a breath and looks away.

‘I will miss you’ the words fly out of my mouth and take me by surprise. I do struggle when my brain and mouth decide to disconnect.

His eyes widen and I watch his mouth fall open.

My phone is ringing. This has to be an emergency. I just hope Matilda is not over at Matt’s house having her own version of a sleepover…during the day.

I check the screen. Its Shaz. Quickly I answer it.

‘I need to go to the hospital Roxy, the pain is really bad’ groans Shaz.

‘Marcus’ I say. ‘I have to go, my best friend thinks she’s in labour and I am her birthing partner’

Marcus looks shocked and runs his hand through his grey flecked hair.

‘Isn’t the father about?’ he enquires.

‘Sadly not, he doesn’t want anything to do with her. It is a long story. He’s a postman’ I explain.

‘Do you have a car?’ he asks.

I shake my head. ‘I will get a taxi’ I say reaching for my purse.

‘Let me help you’ he says, rising from his chair and grabbing his jacket.

Now it is my turn to be shocked.

‘But you are the senior manager’ I say grabbing my bag.

‘I am leaving Roxy’ he says, whilst giving me a huge smile.

11.30 a.m. Marcus is driving at pace through town and towards the hospital.

Shaz and I are in the back of his Jaguar. I am holding Shaz’s hand whilst she groans and mumbles ‘Snickers bar….someone get me a Snickers Bar…help me!’

He keeps catching my eye in the mirror.

I am nervous for Shaz but I am consumed once again by this fluttery feeling.

11.40 a.m. Marcus and I are pushing Shaz in a wheelchair, up to the Maternity section of the hospital.

‘You didn’t have to do this!’ I shout as we race along.

‘I like rescuing you Roxy’ he says and turns to look at me.

We both stop pushing the wheel chair and stare at each other.

The world around us seems to stop.

All I can hear is the thudding of my heart.

‘Really?’ I ask.

‘That’s all I want to do’ he says, holding my gaze.

‘OMG Roxy I am in labour and you are on the bloody pull!’ shrieks Shaz.

 

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Tears In The Loo #romcom #Chicklit

thediaryof

 

Wednesday

3.16 P.M. I am creeping out of the ladies toilet with red puffy eyes and a handful of tissues.

Just had an emotional breakdown in the loo over:

  • Dan going back to Clara.
  • Being thirty something with three kids, two ex partners, living in a shabby rented house and no sign of Prince Charming.
  • My weight. My wobbly bits are getting bigger. No man is going to find me attractive  and no man is ever going to fall in love with me.
  • Coming to the conclusion that I am a lost cause.

3.18 P.M. Had to nip back into the toilet and go hide in a cubicle as the tears returned. I need to pull myself together. All this upset over a man, my life and my wobbly bits.

I believed Dan when he said Clara was out of his life. I took his word and in my head planned out a wonderful future for us. He betrayed me.

3. 20 P.M. I am once again creeping out of the toilets. By the time I get back to my desk upstairs my eyes will have gone back to normal and no one will know that I have been crying in a toilet.

Keep repeating ‘I must get a grip of myself!’

3. 21 P.M. Turn corner in corridor and bump smack bang into Marcus, my senior manager. The one who I kissed over a photocopying machine at a Christmas party last year and the one who saved me in the cinema from my vampire date, a few weeks ago.

Avert eyes to the floor.

‘Are you ok Roxy?’ he asks softly.

This is the worst thing anyone can say to me when I am trying to stop being emotional.

I can’t hold it back.

Here it comes. A huge wave of tears, loud sobbing, inability to get my breath and a runny nose.

3.24 P.M. Marcus has escorted me to a quiet area of the staff canteen. He’s cancelled his meeting and has gone to buy me a coffee.

I am sat telling myself to get a grip. Crying in front of senior management is basically like hailing a ‘career taxi!’

3.27 P.M. Marcus has amazing blue eyes. He’s talking to me and I am distracted. Why haven’t I noticed these before?

Oh yea – I was drunk at the Christmas party and we have both been avoiding each other ever since.

Make decision in head not to go into detail about the reason for my upset. I must remember he’s a senior manager and he doesn’t need to know about my problems.

3.31 P.M. Ok so I am now telling him everything. All the stuff with Dan comes out, my fears of being a spinster and my wobbly bits.

Oh God I have just told my senior manager I have wobbly bits that are getting bigger!

3.35 P.M. Marcus is being sweet. He says that I am bound to find someone else and that I need to stay positive.

3.36 P.M. Just asking him how his dating life is going. I think it’s fair that he gives me an update too.

All the females in the office know Marcus is on the dating apps. He is so attractive for an older man.

We all sit and talk about what we would do if someone like Marcus liked or winked at us on a dating app. The majority of single women in the office reckon they would wet themselves in shock and a small minority say that they would run out into the street screaming.

3.37 P.M. His dating life is not going very well. It hasn’t been doing that well for over a year he says, looking at me with those sparkling blue eyes.

3.38 P.M. He says there is someone he has his eye on but its complicated. There would have to be some changes in his life and he’s not sure whether that person feels the same way.

3.39 P.M. I watch his lips move as he tells me about his feelings for this person.

For a moment I am back against the office photocopier kissing him like crazy whilst printing out 100 stapled copies of some poor junior’s report.

3.45 P.M. Walking back to the office. Marcus has left me as he has a meeting.

As we parted in the corridor there was a weird silence between us. I can’t explain it but it was like he wanted to tell me something but couldn’t find the words.

I thanked him for the coffee and made no photocopying offers.

7.56 P.M. Having my hair done in my lounge by Wayne my mobile hairdresser.

I am sat eating a huge bar of chocolate whilst Wayne eradicates my grey hairs and makes me a brighter shade of red.

This is what you do after a relationship falls apart; dye your hair and eat chocolate.

My wobbly bits are a lost cause. I might as well enjoy myself.

‘So Roxy tell your Uncle Wayne everything!’ says Wayne, whilst performing some hair magic using some bits of foil and a foul smelling substance.

I download everything about Dan and I.

‘Nasty business. I wouldn’t have trusted him with that Clara woman’ says Wayne, shaking his head in disapproval.

‘Thanks Wayne’ I say, before wedging a huge chunk of chocolate into my mouth.

‘So when are you getting back on the dating apps?’ asks Wayne, grinning at me.

‘I don’t think I am destined to be with someone’ I say, letting out a sigh and reaching for more chocolate.

‘Rubbish Roxy!’ snaps Wayne, tapping me on the hand as though I am a naughty child stealing chocolate.

‘You are a beautiful and vivacious red head. It would be a waste, a travesty  if you were left on the shelf!’ he cries.

‘I don’t think I can face another relationship’ I moan, feeling tired at the thought of getting close to someone else and being heartbroken again.

‘Nonsense!’ barks Wayne. ‘Get out your phone now, log in and we can have a little nose at who is out there!’

‘No Wayne I can’t!’ I whimper, feeling tears prick my eyes.

Wayne stops fiddling about with my hair and bits of foil. He stands directly in front of me with his hands on the hips of his silver metallic jeans.

‘Excuse me Roxy!’ he screeches. ‘You are NOT giving up on love! Your hair is going to look amazeballs  and you are one hot lady!’

‘I am destined to be a spinster!’ I cry.

‘You will be if you don’t stop snivelling and get back out there Roxy, now come on where is your fighting spirit?’ cries Wayne, glaring at me.

I reach across to the coffee table and grab my phone.

Wayne squeals as I open up my favourite dating app.

Marcus is staring back at me from the dating app. His profile is on my list of suggested dates.

‘Whoa who is that hunk?’ asks Wayne staring over my shoulder. ‘My goodness he looks just like George Clooney!’

‘That’s …Marcus…my senior manager’ I say feeling an odd fluttery sensation inside my chest.

‘You are one lucky girl working for him!’ says Wayne before letting out a sigh.

I find myself gazing into Marcus’s eyes and wondering whether he remembers our kiss.

 

There will be more from Roxy next week.

She’ll be coming to an end soon as I need to turn her into a book and a podcast!!

Yes folks I have plans to make Roxy into a comedy podcast.

I will keep you all updated. 

Photo: Shutterstock

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 25 The Ex-Boyfriend #ChickLit #comedy

 

 

thediaryof

 

Tuesday

6.54 P.M. My new relationship with Jake is on my mind. I have summoned a ‘Dating Council of War.’ This is where my best mate Shaz and I sit on my sofa and assess the situation.

Jake and I are dating but I have no idea where I stand with him.

There are a few unanswered questions after eight dates:

Are we a couple? I love putting labels onto things. At the moment I am not sure what label to put on us.

Are we still free to see other people or in other words – are we cancelling our dating app accounts?

Does he actually like me?

6.55 P.M. Shaz is on her 5th Snickers bar of the day. As her pregnancy reaches the third trimester her cravings have increased – she was on 3 Snickers bars a day, now it’s 6/7.

‘Have you had the conversation yet Roxy?’ asks Shaz, before biting into her chocolate bar.

I sigh loudly.  ‘Oh no I’m not having the conversation!’ I groan, before hanging my head.

The conversation is a key dating stage and one that I dread. Basically you ask your date whether you are officially an item.

In my experience dates respond with one of the following:

  • A nod (very rare!)
  • A blank look and shrug.
  • A change of subject / avoid eye contact (very common)
  • All texting stops as well as all other forms of communication. (Sadly very common)

It is the kiss of death dating conversation.

This conversation. screams ‘I want commitment!’ and can send you or them running for the hills.

I hate asking this question but I do want really want commitment with someone. So I have to ask.

‘Do you want your relationship to turn into something more serious?’ asks Shaz, licking chocolate from her fingers.

‘I am not sure. He seems petrified of me’ I say recalling our last date where I had to drop some mega hints about wanting him to hold my hand or kiss me.

Things got so bad on our romantic dinner at my local Indian restaurant the staff assumed Jake was a relation.

I sigh. ‘Jake’s lovely looking, he wears decent clothes and he seems nice but every time we are together he has this ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ sort of look’ I explain.

‘Really?’ asks Shaz.

6.56 P.M. My teenage daughter, Matilda, comes to join us in the lounge.

‘Matilda should your Mam have the conversation with Jake?’ asks Shaz.

‘Dunno. He’s a bit quiet for Mam’ says Matilda flicking through one of her glossy fashion magazines.

‘Your Mam thinks he’s scared of her’ laughs Shaz.

‘Boys say they are scared of me’ says Matilda, letting out a sigh. ‘It must run in the family!’

I give Matilda and a knowing look. ‘Tim, your sixth form friend doesn’t seem scared of you’ I say, remembering catching sight of Matilda kissing him on the doorstep the other night. I had to restrain myself from chucking a bowl of cold water over both of them and yelling at Tim to leave my angel like  teenage daughter alone.

‘Oh he was Mam!’ she gushes. ‘He took a lot of persuading’ she sighed.

‘TO DO WHAT?’ I shriek glaring at her.

In my head I reassure myself by saying ‘all teenagers exaggerate!’

‘Must dash, homework calling!’ Matilda says scooting upstairs.

7.56 P.M. A message suddenly appears in my Facebook messenger app. I gasp and Shaz, in a panic, reaches for another Snickers bar.

‘OMG it’s from Dan!’ I say with a look of surprise.

Dan. The handsome guy who I met in Greece whilst trying to persuade my hell raising cousin Maggie to return home.

Our romance came to an abrupt end shortly after I was introduced to his beautiful, but evil, best friend, Clara

‘He says he is in the area Friday night and wants to meet up’ I say casting Shaz a worried glance.

‘He says he misses me’ I mumble.

‘Oh dear, you better have that conversation with Jake ASAP!’ says Shaz giving me a worried glance.

‘Really?’ I ask.

‘Yea, once you have the conversation with Jake everything will fall into place’ Shaz says.

‘You are right. If Jake says we are a couple I will not see Dan. I mean it’s not like I have feelings for Dan’ I say accepting Shaz’s offer of a Snickers bar.

My heart is thudding at the thought of seeing Dan again.

‘Was Dan petrified of you?’ asks Shaz.

‘He saw me and my wobbly bits in a string bikini’ I say remembering my holiday romance.

‘I told you a good bikini can work wonders for your love life!’ sighs Shaz.

8. 13 P.M. Shaz is urging me to call Jake and have the dreaded conversation.

‘Do you think it’s too early to have the conversation?’ I ask Shaz.

‘It’s never to early Roxy!’ replies Shaz.

8. 15 P.M Jake’s phone going to voicemail. I leave a message for him to call me back.

9.40 P.M. No call from Jake. Dan is urging me to accept his offer of a meeting.

10.56 P.M. No call from Jake.


Wednesday

1.25 P.M. Jake and I finally speak on the phone. I am feeling brave so I ask him.

Would you say we are a couple now Jake?’ I ask casually, crossing my fingers and toes.

He goes silent on me and then changes the subject. The phone call ends shortly afterwards.

Thursday 

12.34 P.M. Jake is acting odd.

Communication has broken down between us.

12.35 P.M. Have a cry in the toilets at work.

12.45 P.M. Start dating discussion with half the office in the canteen at lunch.

12.56 P.M. I have decided to go meet Dan. Obviously I make my own decisions and was not swayed by Julie from Accounts telling me about how she went back to her ex boyfriend, married him and now lives in a fancy four bed roomed house on the nice side of town.

Friday

7.45 P.M. On my way to meet Dan.

Jake has barely talked to me for the last few days. No texts or messages.

Once again having the conversation has ruined my dating life.

Sigh loudly. Who wouldn’t want commitment with me? I am a fiery redhead with a big heart, a love of singing Cher songs, three kids and some wobbly bits.

8.20 P.M. Dan looks hotter than ever. Oh my goodness what a stunner!

Drain my glass of wine and try to stop myself from gazing longingly at my ex.

8.24 P.M. He says he’s really missed me and wants me to be his girlfriend again.

Order second glass of wine.

Dan clears up the old issue immediately by announcing that Clara is in a serious relationship and he hardly sees her.

8.34 P.M. Jake doesn’t seem interested in me whilst Dan is talking about what an amazing couple we would make.

8.36 P.M. Dan smells divine. I am struggling to stop leaning into him.

Must regain control of myself.

8.45 P.M. I can’t stop looking into Dan’s eyes.

Why do ex boyfriends do this?

Decide to hold back and assess the situation tomorrow in the cold light of day. The thing with Jake is still on my mind. I am going to resist hunky Dan.

Yes – good idea Roxy!

Order a third glass of wine to reward myself for sensible thought process.

8.47 P.M. I am kissing Dan like crazy.

I hate making dating decisions that I cannot stick too.

10.15 P.M. On the bus on way home. I can safely say Dan was not petrified of me.

Dan wants to see me again. He’s talking about coming down from Manchester and booking us a fancy hotel.

Feel a twinge of guilt for Jake.

10.16 P.M. Phone has just bleeped. It’s a text from Jake:

‘Yes I do want you to be my girlfriend x’

Silent scream!

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 24 – The Search For Matilda #comedy #romance

 

 

thediaryof

Friday

5.33 P.M. Matilda, my teenage daughter, has asked whether she can go to a party tonight at her new friend  Tom’s house.

She also wants to stay over at Tom’s house as according to her that is what you do now with male friends.

According to her you can stay over at a boy’s house without there being any hanky panky.

5.34 P.M. I give her a straight  ‘NO!’

My daughter is not going to a party with a bunch of older boys. No!

Sometimes I do wonder whether Matilda thinks I was brought down in the last rain shower.

In my experience hanky panky is never far away.

‘Don’t worry I can take my own bedding’ she says.

‘NO it’s not about the bedding Matilda!’ I say, shaking my head in disbelief  at how she can:

a.) Ask to go to the party with a bunch of older boys plus stay over.

And

b.) think I am saying no because I am worried about bedding!

She screams ‘I HATE YOU!’

I shout ‘YOU ARE NOT GOING!’

She yells ‘GO TO HELL!’

Off she strides out of the lounge telling me her YouTube fans will be hearing about this form of cruelty.

6.10 P.M. Getting ready to go out on first date with Jake.

Phone bleeps. It’s Matilda’s Dad Jon.

She’s text me to say you are being cruel. She wants to live with me!’ (Jon).

She is not going to some house party run by a load of 18-year-old boys and staying over! You and Paul are welcome to her! (Me).

6.34 P.M. My best mate Shaz has turned up to look after the kids. Heavily pregnant and eating a fun bag of Snickers (pregnancy craving)

‘Alright Roxy what’s happening?’ says Shaz rubbing her huge baby bump.

‘Matilda is not speaking to me!’ I say painting on some bright red lip gloss.

‘Is it about that party?’ asks Shaz.

‘How do you know?’ I ask.

‘It’s all over Instagram’ she says showing me her phone.

There is a selfie of Matilda looking sad with fake tears rolling down her cheeks. Lots of hashtags #sadness #cruelmother #letmeout I notice it has over 100 likes already.

‘Right I am off’ I say picking up my clutch bag and phone. ‘The boys are in Harry’s room playing X-Box and Matilda is in her room complaining about me on social media!’

6.35 P.M. As I am leaving Matilda appears.

‘Mam I’m sorry’ she says.

I get emotional and we give each other hug.

Over Matilda’s shoulder I see Shaz shaking her head with disapproval.

6.36 P.M. Step outside feeling proud. She’s a good kid really and so grown up for realising she was in the wrong.

7.04 P.M. Am on the bus getting excited about my date with Jake.

Just checking my breath is minty when phone bleeps with a text. It’s Shaz.

Matilda has gone! 

What????

Room empty, window open and looks like she has climbed down drain pipe.

All pride for my teenage daughter vanishes.

7.05 P.M. Have complete mental breakdown on bus; call daughter’s phone, text her frantically, leave angry messages on her voicemail, breathe very fast, repeat ‘I don’t want to be a granny!’ 

7.07 P.M. Consider getting off bus and running back home but it is already in town. Drat!

7.08 P.M. I am so cross I am trembling. How dare she disobey me!

I never did this sort of thing when I was her age. Hang on….I did do this sort of thing. My mother told me I was a complete nightmare up until the age of 21.

Ok forget my wild teenage past.

7.10 P.M. Get off bus. Jake is standing waiting for me.

He takes one look at me and I know he can sense something is wrong.

‘Do you have a car?’ I ask quickly. First date etiquette is a thing of the past.

He looks shocked.

‘Can you help me find my teenage daughter?’ I say taking him by the arm.

7.16 P.M. Driving home. Jake looks pale and keeps rubbing his face.

‘The party might not be as bad as you think’ he says, after I tell him to put his foot down.

‘You don’t know Matilda!’ I say. ‘She will lead them all astray!’

He grimaces.

‘Maybe she could go for a couple of hours?’ he asks.

‘Matilda will go crazy in a couple of hours, trust me she doesn’t need long’ I say.

7.24 P.M. I have no idea where this party is so I have to use my ‘mother ingenuity’ – an amazing skill.

I am running up to her friend Louise’s house. Jake is in the car.

‘Where is she?’ I shriek at Louise.

‘Dunno’ mumbles Louise, chewing  and avoiding eye contact.

I hate loyal friends.

7.25 P.M. Lightbulb moment. I need to start talking the language of teenagers.

‘I am going I cancel those tickets to that concert you both wanted to go to’ I say getting out my phone.

‘What???’ shrieks Louise.

7.31 P.M. Pull up outside large house on posh side of town. Jake thinks this is where I live. Haven’t got time to destroy his dreams.

Run up drive screaming ‘Matilda!’

A door opens and I rush in. No time for pleasantries.

I fly into the lounge and there is Matilda sat next to Tom.

‘OMG Mam!’ she shrieks.

7.33 P.M. Yank teenage daughter down the drive and ignore her screams. Shove her in Jake’s car and tell him to drive.

7.45 P.M. Sat in the car, outside my house, with Jake. Matilda has been deposited inside and has been grounded forever. I am flustered and manic.

‘Are you ok?’ he asks.

‘Just kiss me Jake’ I say.


 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 6 The Blind Date #Chicklit #WomensFiction

thediaryof

 

 

Thursday

10.34 a.m. I am struggling to keep my eyes open during our work team meeting. Last night I was up late messaging Kevin – the guy who winked at me on my dating app, earlier in the week.

Kevin, 35, a plumber, has his own business, drives a huge van, is solvent, owns his own house and possesses a hot tub in his back garden. He is looking for something serious and hates infidelity, as his last girlfriend cheated on him. Kevin’s hobbies are socialising, five a-side football and taking selfies of himself in his hot tub. As you can imagine Kevin is ticking a number of my relationship boxes.

Kevin also has a …saucy mind and his messages have got cheekier as the week has wore on. I must say that I am impressed with his vivid imagination.

Tonight Kevin and I are going to be going on our first date which makes my heart race every time I think about it. We are planning to meet in the Red Lion pub in town for a few drinks. In light of our racy messages I am not sure how we are going to control ourselves.

10.45 a.m. I am stifling a yawn as Martin rabbits on about the new office stationary ordering process.

“Have you all read the Powerpoint slides I created about the new process?” asks Martin scanning all our faces. “There are 15 slides with detailed instructions for each stage. Does anyone have any questions?”
Silence. Everyone knows that asking Martin a question at the end of one of his dull presentations inflicts unnecssceary pain on the rest of us.
“I must say that I am very excited about this new stationary ordering process!” exclaims Martin with wide eyes, a huge smile and a sweaty brow.

“We can tell” murmurs Neil, making everyone smirk.

11.33 a.m. My phone bleeps. Its a message from Kevin. It reads ‘Morning sexy!’
An army of butterflies swarms into my chest and I can feel my cheeks starting to heat up at the thought of Kevin, who I must say looks divine on his photo, (in his hot tub), short black hair, a tanned face, piercing dark eyes and a broad chest.

12.06 p.m. I am on my lunch break and I am tottering at speed up the high street. There are a few things on my shopping list:

  • Purchase some bright red lipstick as Kevin says he likes women who wear loud lipstick.
  • Purchase some new shaving cream as some areas of my body are resembling a rain forest.
  • Collect my new contact lenses from the opticians. Today I am ditching my glasses, which Matilda says make me look like one of her older female teachers. I have decided to become a contact lenses wearer which is very exciting.
  • Purchase new bottle of shampoo which Shaz claims makes your hair look and feel like one of those models off the TV adverts.

1.23 p.m. Sat at my office desk checking my horoscopes. Mystic Clive is my favourite astrologer and his predictions can make or break daily life for me. I try to listen to his astrological advice as he is nearly always right. I grab my phone and check out today’s Gemini horoscope. I am praying he says ‘Kiss the face off a tall, dark and handsome stranger tonight!’

Oh….Mystic Clive is saying ‘Have some control today as things have the potential to get out of hand’. I did not plan to have any control over my emotions tonight. Now I am feeling agitated. Mystic Clive has just dampened my dating spirits!

1.56 p.m. Hold urgent counsel of war meeting with Maeve and Brook from Accounts by the drinks machine.

“We left our meeting for you Rpxy – what’s up?’ asks Maeve, giving me a serious look.
“You know I have date with a hot plumber tonight called Kevin?” They both nod.
“I was going to go and enjoy myself but Mystic Clive says I should have some control today” I say, showing them my phone horoscope.
An awkard silence descends upon us. I flick back to Kevin’s photo on my phone.
“It won’t be easy” says Maeve staring at Kevin. “Those speedos leave nothing to the imagination do they?”
Brook shakes her head before saying. “I would struggle!”
“Do you really trust Mystic Clive’s predictions?” asks Maeve.
I nod. “He’s never wrong!”
“Do you like Kevin?” asks Brook.
Maeve exhales louldy and stares at Brook. She points to my phone. “What is there NOT to like about Kevin – Brook? He’s good with his hands, he’s tanned and he has a hot tub!”.

“oh yea!” says Brook and flicks her eyes to the floor.
“Roxy if Mystic Clive has this sort of hold on you than you need to listen to him. You never know this could be a significant change in yoyr dating game plan” says Maeve.
“Whats your current dating game plan?” asks Brook.
Maeve leans in and whispers “Derek!”
“Oh yea!” says Brook.
“So what do I do?’ I ask.
“You play hard to get tonight” says Maeve. “And by doing this you control your emotions!”
I nod and turn to see Marcus the senior manager striding past us to get himself a drink. He gives me an awkward look. Things between Marcus and I have not been the same that kiss over the photo copier.
Maeve smiles at Marcus. “Roxy’s seeing a plumber tonight!” He raises his eyebrows and walks off carrying his drink.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks Brook.
I look away and visualise Kevin and I sat in his hot tub sipping Martinis.
Maeve places her hand on my shoulder. “Roxy, Kevin could be the one! Mystic Clive could be doing you a favour by getting you to stay in control”

6.12 p.m. In the shower make important decision to follow the advice of Mystic Clive and the girls from Accounts. They are right. I need to act cool and calm with him.

6.45 p.m Swan downstairs with goofy smile on my face. Kevin has just messaged to say that he thinks I am probably the most attractive woman over 35 that he has dated..this year.

6.55 p.m. Enter downstairs toilet to put in new contact lenses. Its time to transform into Roxy the contact lenses wearer.

6.57 p.m. Am in eye agony. They don’t feel right.

Hold crisis meeting with Matilda over contact lenses as my eyes start to stream.
“What am I going to do – these don’t feel right. I can’t wear my glasses” I whimper.
“You just need to get used to them” says Matilda scrolling through her phone.
“I look like I am crying!” I exclaim checking my reflection in the hall mirror.
“Males like the emotional female look” says Matilda, still engrossed with her phone.

7.30 a.m Meet Kevin outside the pub.
Euphoria rockets up my spine at the sight of Kevin. He’s tall, dark haired and his tanned skin is almost a mahogany colour. Oh my goodness I want to kiss him.
I remember Mystic Clive’s words – repeats to myself I must stay in control.
“Hello Kevin” I say in a bright and breezy voice.
He smiles before leaning to plant a delicate kiss on my cheek. “Hello sexy!” he whispers.
I let out a little whimper. Repeat in head “must stay in control!”

8.10 p.m. Kevin and I are sat at a little table near the bar. I have managed to keep my distance. Its not been easy or enjoyable as I am fighting huge urge to throw myself at him. Worryingly I am drinking like a fish.
“I find you very attractive” says Kevin.
I smile and wish my eyes were not stinging like crazy. If I am honest being a contact lenses wearer is not all that its cracked up to me.

“Why are you crying?” he asks with a look of concern. I watch as reaches out to gently wipe away a tear from my cheek. He places his warm hand over mine and says “I feel emotional about us too Roxy”
I just nod. I don’t want to ruin his dream with my contact lenses issue.

8.35 p.m Kevin is telling me about his previous girlfriend Sarah who ran off with a neighbour whilst Kevin was in bed with a bad back.
“Infidelity hurts Roxy!” he says with a voice thick with emotion.
“Oh I know Kevin” I say, recalling the pain I went through with Rob and the blonde bar maid.
“It took me months to get over Sarah” he mumbles. “Seeing her with new man broke my heart plus it took a long longer for my back injury to heal”.
“Its awful” I say quietly.
Kevin turns to me. “Its great to have found someone who shares my strong views on being unfaithful”.
I nod blinking away tears of contact lenses pain.
He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. Oh God he smells divine! I must stay in control.
“You seem reserved tonight” he says, taking a strand of my hair and gently placing it behind my ear. “I am worried Roxy!”
Oh no I have made him anxious! His tanned face looks troubled. Curse Mystic Clive and drain glass of wine.

9.01 p.m. Kevin has gone to the bar and I am staggering to the loo. My eye pain has intensified. Something is wrong with my contact lenses. Its time to take drastic action. I remove my contact lenses. The world might be a little bit foggy but at least I won’t be in pain.

I can’t stop thinking about Kevin. He is Mr Right in so many ways. We understand each other on so many levels. Oh God he’s what I have been searching for!
This keeping control business is like some form of dating torture. I don’t think I want to play hard to get anymore.
I must go to him and show him
I am tottering at speed out of the loos.
There are a few men stood at the bar. I can’t make out faces but I feel drawn to the one at the end. Oh Kevin!
I race over, cup my hands around his cheeks and kiss him hard on the mouth.

“What the…?” says a shocked male voice. “Who are you?”
“Thats just what I want to know Gavin!” says an irritated female voice.
“Kevin?” I say, wishing I could see more than a vague outline.
“No its Gavin” whimpers the male voice.
“And I am his WIFE! Can I ask why you are snogging my husband?
“Roxy?” says an agitated Kevin. “What do you think you are doing?”
“Oh Kevin I thought he was you!” I say reaching out for who I think in Kevin.
“I am sorry Roxy but I don’t think is going to work!” says Kevin.
“No!” I cry. “I am new contact lenses wearer and I have been having problems with them”
“I bet she says that to all the strange men she kisses!” snaps the female.
“Goodbye Roxy!” says Kevin.
“Kevin please stay!”
“No Roxy you are bringing back images of Sarah and my back has started to hurt!”
Kevin leaves and I am left standing at the bar.
“Come on Gavin let’s get away from this….woman!” says the female voice.
As Gavin is led away I hear him whisper “great kissing by the way!”