When horror and dark fiction author Steve Boseley contacted me to say that he shared my blonde humour, wanted to have some literary fun and had a cracking guest blog post up his sleeve, I had to have a sugary cup of tea and a lie down. It’s not everyday a young (ish), blonde, fluffy, cute (using certain filters and a good photo editing app), chicklit writer, like myself, gets an offer like this… especially not from a dashing horror author like Steve. *Sigh*
Steve’s guest post made me chuckle – so here it is.
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Recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end last week after she made a shocking discovery about her husband, Gerry. He’d decided to start dating after spending two years mourning her. Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.
As she had a good working relationship with God and her team of angels, Camilla hoped they would be able to offer some assistance to her, in getting Gerry back to a state of mourning.
I LOVE people watching. It helps if you are either naturally nosey or you were the odd kid at the back of the class, in school, who sat staring at all the popular kids.
Sometimes I don’t think we appreciate how cool it is to be a writer. With ‘must do activities’ such as spying on people life is NEVER dull for us writers! Choosing to lead a fun-filled creative life was one of the main reasons why I woke up one morning, a few years ago, with a big smile on my face and cried “I am going to become a writer!” This passion of mine means I get to write nonsense, undertake some interesting Google searches, laugh at my own jokes, talk to imaginary folk and do hours of curtain twitching.
I am sure you can all imagine my excitement when I decided to write a post about all my people watching hints and tips!
Writer Suffering. The Writer’s Break always follows a long period (a couple of hours, an hour or in some extreme cases – a good half hour) of writer suffering. The writer is in a form of literary hell; they despise their writing, Twitter has gone silent on them, their latest plot is sagging, they have a raging post-it note addiction, but can’t find their pack of post-it notes and they are starting to doubt whether they will ever become a future bestselling author. Whilst they huff and puff in Writing World loved ones will be busy creeping off to bed as it is late. Loved ones would rather go to sleep than sit and watch their beloved writer have a creative breakdown over a lost packet of post-it notes and a half finished draft with a weak plot.
Wine Search. Things will reach a low point as the writer will come to the conclusion that if they can’t find their post-it notes, to plot out their novel on the wall, they might as well quit writing altogether. After a few tears the writer will look up and experience the ‘wine lightbulb’ moment. Yes – wine could help alleviate this literary pain! The writer will start to imagine opening a lovely quality bottle of Shiraz and be able to almost taste it slipping down their throat. They know that wine could save them from this creative hell. Keen to hang onto their writing career the writer will leave their writing desk gasping “wine….I need wine..” and hurry over to the wine rack.
Wine Desperation. Things never go to plan in Writing World. The writer will reach the wine rack and their smile will disappear. The only bottle left will be a cheap and miserable looking bottle of wine. From the label alone the writer will start to fear the worst. It might as well come with the following description #paintstripper. Cue the writer’s wail “where’s the quality stuff gone?” Writers have short memories – sigh! In desperation the writer will grab the bottle, a glass and race back to Writing Corner.
Writer’s Wine Break. After a few mouthfuls and some face pulling (over the bitter taste of the cheap plonk) the writer will start to feel like someone is sprinkling ‘magical literary fairy dust’ all over them. After reading some of their current draft they will let out a soft moan of literary pleasure – they have the makings of a literary masterpiece! If only literary agents gave out their personal numbers for writers who, after a couple of glasses of wine, felt like doing a quick pitch late on a Friday night – sigh! The post-it notes will magically reappear and the writer will let out a joyful squeal. The writer will consume more wine and their raging addiction for doing something creative with post-it notes will return. In a flash they will be up out of their chair frantically scribbling, posting notes to the wall and at the same time taking swigs of wine. Soon their entire novel will be plotted out and the writer will have made some key changes. They will stand back, wipe the sweat away from their brow, pour another glass and whisper “wow….so beautiful…its a work of art!” Fuelled by the cheap wine the writer will then start to write some ground breaking stuff. Oh my goodness glorious words will pepper the page and the writer will be making sounds like “Mmmmm” and “Oh yes…I sound just like Hilary Mantel!” This is the magic of a Writer’s Wine Break – one minute you are a normal writer with some plot issues and the next (after a few glasses) you are sounding like Hilary Mantel! Sigh!
In the Cold Light of Day. The next morning the writer will make an appearance. With a cough, a groan, a scratch of their head and a “I must have eaten a bad crisp last night!“ the writer will shuffle downstairs and come face to face with their….wall of post-it notes and half a page of ‘amazing words’. Things created on a Writer’s Wine Break may seem like they are ‘ground breaking’ at the time but in the cold light of day they can appear very different. Some of the post-it notes will be legible and some will be hard to read. The ones where the writer gave up on words and turned to drawing dodgy looking stick people (if you have never done this – you haven’t lived!) will bring on some sharp intakes of breath and a lot of head shaking. The writer will say things like “good grief what’s going in chapter 26…what are those stick people doing?” After a strong coffee and a couple of headache tablets the writer will return to Writing Corner and make a promise to….never buy cheap wine again!