You may not have written anything spectacular, you may not have a novel out there or even write for that matter but you can still make people think you are a writer / famous novelist.
Here are some useful tips on achieving that all important ‘I am a writer’ look. It’s very fashionable and bang on trend.
We writers always hang out in coffee shops so this is the perfect location to give the general public the impression that you are a writer / famous novelist. This is what my Saturday mornings are spent doing – sigh!
1. Look the writer part. Track suit bottoms / pyjamas, hair not seen a brush for days and that bleary eyed / been stuck in front of a laptop for days stare.
2. Your coffee order is a reflection of your creativity. As a writer you need to be ordering something creative. Make it wild, wonderful and overly complicated. Try something like a ‘Caramel Macchiato, Venti, Skim, Extra Shot, Extra-Hot, Extra-Whip, Sugar-Free’ and watch those behind you in the queue stare in amazement.
3. Make sure you have a pencil tucked behind you ear and you are wearing glasses. Even if you are using a laptop / tablet make sure you still have the pencil behind your ear. Glasses make you look brainy so whip some on. Together these simple touches scream ‘creative person’.
4. Place yourself by a window. Stare out of the window with creative expression on your face (blank look) and then start typing. Stop typing and return to gazing out of the window. Repeat ten times for maximum effect. It looks like you are getting creative inspiration for your novel from the world around you. No one needs to know you are typing your shopping list!
5. Stroke your chin a lot. Makes you look like you are in deep consideration mode and you are pondering over your next plot sequence. Make sure it is a stroke and not a scratch ladies, regular scratching of the chin can lead to awkward looks.
6. Mutter to yourself. Those characters inside your head need to come alive inside a coffee shop. This is what writers do – they make characters come alive. You are a creative person so this sort of thing is expected. Creative people who mutter to themselves always attract attention. Top tip: I find the stronger the coffee the more I will mutter.
7. Pile some paperback books around your laptop at the table. People instantly think you are a writer if you have books next to you. Such a simple trick! Just make out they are your earlier novels. Top tip – check that you are the same gender as the person who did write the novels. As a female there is ‘crash and burn’ potential if you try to make out you wrote a ‘John Grisham’ novel.
8. If someone asks whether they can use one of your chairs say that your ‘literary agent’ will be sitting there shortly. This is such a jaw dropping statement to make. Watch their eyes widen after you say this. They will then return to their table, have a hushed conversation about you with someone and if you are lucky you will get a finger point. If you play this well you might even get a “can I have a selfie with you?” Sigh!
9. Yawn a lot whilst typing. Give the impression that you have been up all night writing your literary masterpiece.
10. Make loud imaginary phone call. Use a phrase like “they say I am the next J.K Rowling” whilst looking around and catching the eye of other customers who can’t stop staring at you. This works a treat with older people.
11. Use glamorous friend to pose as an agent. Thanks to M.L. Kappa for this gem. Basically you ask a glamorous-looking friend to wear shades and a power suit and drop by pretending to be your agent.
Have a great day!
photo credit: Gui Seiz <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/45537764@N06/6575395943″>Quoffee</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/”>(license)</a>