Heaven Calling Blog Series – Part 3 #Comedy #Heaven #ComedyWriter 

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Welcome to my comedy blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore. 

For Part 1 – please click here.

For Part 2 – please click here.

Quick recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry had started dating. He’d spent two years grieving her.

Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel plus God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates from heaven.

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Heaven Calling – Part 2 Fictional Series #Comedy #Marriage #Dating

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Welcome to my weekly blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.

For part 1 please click here.

Recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end last week after she made a shocking discovery about her husband, Gerry. He’d decided to start dating after spending two years mourning her. Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

As she had a good working relationship with God and her team of angels, Camilla hoped they would be able to offer some assistance to her, in getting Gerry back to a state of mourning.

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5 Mythical & Magical Creatures: Dating Pros & Cons #MondayBlogs #Halloween

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I have been wanting to write this post for ages. As it is Halloween, some of these creatures are a bit spooky and my fictional character Roxy is going on date with a possible vampire, I thought today would be perfect for this post.

I can’t be the only one who doesn’t sit and think about what it would be like to date something mythical or magical. I am sure you all must be pondering this too.

Below are 5 mythical & magical creatures with the dating pros and cons for each one. 

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If an Online Dating Site For Writers Existed… #WritersLife #Writers

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Photo Credit: StockSnap.

Have you ever found yourself wondering how an online dating site for writers could work? Don’t worry – I got this topic covered!

I think an online dating site for writers is a great idea. Luckily for me, my loved one has not yet traded me in for a younger model, grown tired of my emotional breakdowns, creative tantrums, hormonal fluctuations, frequent use of a shrill voice and my inability to reduce the ironing pile to a more manageable level. However, that doesn’t stop my mind from thinking through this gem of a business idea!

I am sure writers would want to date other writers. Can you imagine dating someone who understands your editing pain, lets you off the housework when you need to focus on your first chapter and gives you constructive literary criticism during pillow talk?  I know…it sounds like the making of relationship bliss!

An online dating site for writers probably exists somewhere in the world, but here is how I think an online dating site for writers could work:

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The Diary of Roxy Collins – OMG He’s a Rat #romance #chicklit #MondayBlogs

 

 

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Saturday

8.45 A.M. Two things have come into my life; my ex-boyfriend Dan and my youngest son Toby’s new pet rat ‘Bob’.

I can’t say I am happy with the arrival of Bob and I can’t say my landlord Brian is thrilled either. However Bob has stopped Toby talking to his imaginary friend Malcolm. Big sigh of relief!

Brian, my 67 year old landlord, clutched his chest and went an odd grey colour at the sight of Toby’s new pet. I had no other choice but to leap into action and manoeuvre Brian out of the house before he thought too much about Bob. I promised him that Bob the rat will be properly cared for and will never be left unattended to roam free around the house.

Brian staggered off down the path muttering and shaking his head.

Just listening to Toby chat away to Bob in his cage. Its great for kids to have pets. Sigh!

8.47 A.M. I need to get a wriggle on and pack my overnight  case.

I am back with my ex Dan.

Jake and I were not really suited to each other. He seemed petrified of me the whole time. I never understood why. Dan is not scared. He likes my kind of crazy!

Dan is taking me away for the night to a fancy hotel. It is a chance for us to celebrate getting back together. Shaz, my best mate, says second time around relationships are great.

I am a bit nervous. I don’t know why but I always end up getting into some sort of drama at fancy hotels. In the past I have avoided them. Rob, my ex, refused to take me to a nice hotel as he said I would end up causing a scene.

Mystic Clive, my favourite astrologer, told me that I had to take a risk this week so I accepted Dan’s gift of a night away with him in a fancy hotel.

10.15 A.M. Still not packed my overnight case. Its lying open on the kitchen table, half full with an assortment of clothes and underwear. I can’t decide what to wear for a posh dinner in a fancy hotel so I am packing at least 4 outfits. Decision will be made later.

Arguing with Matilda, my teenage daughter, about her choice of outfit to the local shopping centre with her friends.

‘It looks like a belt [her skirt] Matilda!’ I shriek pointing in horror at the miniscule strip of denim around her waist.

‘Mam its called fashion!’ Matilda yells back at me.

‘You are NOT wearing THAT and those HUGE heels – NO!’ I scream back at her.

‘I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!’ screeches Matilda.

‘Mam’ says Toby tugging at my arm.

‘Not now Toby’ I say striding after Matilda who is tottering towards the front door.

‘COME BACK HERE!’ I scream at her as she gives me a wink and opens the door.

‘Mam!’ urges Toby.

‘What?’ I snap, still glaring at Matilda.

‘Bob’s gone missing’ whispers Toby.

10.17 A.M. Time grinds to a halt as I flick my head to stare in horror at Toby.

‘Better dash Mam!’ says Matilda seizing her opportunity and slipping out of the door.

‘You promised me he wouldn’t escape’ I say to my nine year old.

‘He was anxious and needed a cuddle’ says Toby.

‘Toby he’s a RAT!’ I scream, ‘rats don’t suffer with anxiety!’

Speaking of anxiety here comes Brian, my landlord, up the path. OMG!

10.19 A.M. Brian has come to fix the loo.

‘How’s the pet Toby?’ he asks as he starts to climb the stairs.

‘He’s asleep in his cage’ I say quickly.

10.23 A.M. Toby and I are on our hands and knees searching the conservatory, whilst calling ‘Bob!’

10.32 A.M. Brian, the landlord wants to see Bob in his cage in the conservatory. My whole body is trembling. If he finds out there is a rat loose in the house the kids and I could be finding another place to rent.

Time for Roxy the actress to make an appearance!

‘Oh Brian I don’t feel very well’ I say putting my hand to my forehead.

‘You do look a bit peaky’ says Brian looking concerned.

‘Think I need to sit down’ I say slumping into a chair, whilst praying Brian will leave the kitchen and not go out into the conservatory to see the empty cage.

I place my head in my hands for maximum impact.

‘Good grief – what is that?’ exclaims Brian.

I can feel the blood drain from my face as I lift my head up, half expecting him to have found Bob the rat in the kitchen.

Brian is stood clutching his chest, looking an odd shade of grey and staring at my overnight case.

To my relief its just my choice of underwear hanging out of the case.

For the second time in a week I quietly manoeuvre my landlord out of my house and watch him walk down the path muttering and shaking his head.

11.10 A.M  Brian has left. We still haven’t found Bob the rat.

Toby is crying at the kitchen table.

Harry my other son is on the floor in the kitchen, waving bits of lettuce and shouting ‘BOB!’

2.00 P.M. Still no sign of Bob the rat.

We have been around the house shouting ‘Bob’. I haven’t even had chance to question whether rats answer to their name.

Toby and Harry are being led away snivelling by their father Rob.

3.00 P.M. Dan is outside in the car. I am off for a fancy night in a hotel.

As we pass Brian in his garden I give him a little wave and he looks away.

4.00 P.M. Whilst Dan is getting our room key I decide to head for the bar. I need a little glass of wine to take the edge off my frazzled mental state.

It has been an emotional day with Matilda’s skirt choices and the disappearance of Bob the rat.

I am also worried about my night in this beautiful hotel. It seems far too posh for me and there is always drama where I am concerned.

If anything goes wrong I will blame Mystic Clive.

4.10 P.M. Dan has joined me in the hotel bar. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and asks me whether there is anything wrong.

I explain that things never go right for me in posh hotels. Dan gives me a cuddle and tells me that we will have a wonderful night.

4.15 P.M. My phone bleeps. Its Rob, my ex, telling me that Toby is inconsolable about Bob the rat.

Here comes the mother guilt. I am sat drinking wine with handsome man whilst youngest son is having a breakdown about a lost pet!’

7.23 P.M. Doing my makeup in our hotel room. Dan has already commented how beautiful I look in my dress. He looks very handsome too.

I am stood in the bathroom trying to recreate Kim Kardashian’s contouring look but failing miserably.

‘Good grief what is that?’ screeches Dan from the bedroom.

I groan. What is it with men and my choice of underwear?

Why can’t a girl (woman in her thirties) have nice….colourful…tiny underwear garments?

I drop my makeup brush and race out of the bathroom. Dan is stood white faced by the door.

My eyes fall upon Bob the rat, sticking up out of my case and sniffing the air.

‘OMG it’s BOB!’ I scream!

‘What?? You know the RAT sticking it’s head out of your knickers ROXY?’ shrieks Dan.

I blame Mystic Clive for everything.

 

For more Roxy please click here

 

14 Different Writer Reactions to Their Characters First Kiss #writers #romance #kiss

 

The writer has been cleverly building the romantic tension between their main characters. Both characters have been playing what I like to call ‘flirty games’  for a chapter or so (lots of giggling, eye contact, lip biting and playing with hair) and now it is time for them to kiss. The writer takes a deep breath and dives straight into writing the first kiss.

Once finished the writer sits back and casts their eye over what they have written.  Below is a list of different writer reactions to the kissing scene:

  1. *Dreamy facial expression followed by a gaze out of the window*
  2.  Sigh! 
  3. “Yuk that sounds gross!” – the writer looks away in disgust.
  4. “Calm down – it’s not like he’s the last man on Earth!” *rolls eyes at female character*
  5. “Would it be that intense and passionate on a first kiss?” *chews end of pencil and deliberates*
  6. *Mischievous wink at a passing loved one*
  7. “Where did you learn to kiss like that?”  *raises eyebrows at male character*
  8. “I am going to have to spend all day rewriting this particular scene..”
  9. “Hang on let me just think about head angles here…” 
  10.  “Yep…that did it for me!” *reaches for electric fan*
  11. “You are wasted on her!” *Seductive look at male character*
  12. “I think he will need to pop a mint before kissing her….that packet of Scampi Fries he devoured earlier won’t smell great!”
  13. “I think I need to get out more!” 
  14. “Don’t kiss him and then eyeball the cute minor character…for goodness sake this is a serious piece of fiction!” *rolls eyes at female character*

If any of my readers have any other writer reactions that they would like to share – leave me a comment 🙂

Have a fabulous day!

Photo Unsplash 

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Marcus – Part 29 #Romance #comedy

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Thursday

9.15 a.m. Receive a mixed reaction from the office to my new vibrant red hair colour.

Martin, my line manager, takes one look at me, grips the desk and says ‘good grief Roxy what have you done!’

The nice men on the IT helpdesk give me a thumbs up and then ask me to fake an IT problem so they can spend time with me.

The young trendy girls in the office give me a ‘OMG – cooooooool hair!’

The older women in the office cast me a puzzled look and ask me whether the colour is permanent.

If I am honest, Wayne did get carried away with the colour of my hair. I was left speecheless when he gave me the mirror.

Matilda, my teenage daughter, arrived home from her Cheerleading training session, took one look at my hair and rolled her eyes. I then overheard her, later in her room, making a YouTube video titled ‘When your mother thinks she’s 21 again’.

9.25 a.m. Marcus, my senior manager, walks past my desk and gives me a smile. The weird fluttering sensation in my chest returns.

10.05 a.m. Receive text from Matilda, my teenage daughter, asking whether she can stay over at her new boyfriend Matt’s house tonight.

I am not sure whether Matilda thinks that I am suffering from amnesia. I have been saying no to this request for months. This is not happening. She’s not staying over at a boy’s house!

I text back ‘NO!’

Text back from Matilda ‘relax Mam, it is just like a girlie sleepover but with a boy!’

I text back ‘NO!’

Text from Matilda ‘Lou [her best friend] says her Mum would let her stay over with a boy’

I text back ‘I am not Lou’s mother!’

Text from Matila ‘Matt and I both hate you!’ and eight devil emojis.

10.20 a.m. Sat in a meeting where Marcus is presenting some business statistics.

All the department are sat on chairs in rows. Some of us are listening, some are nearly asleep (Mike from Finance), some are bored rigid, some are staring out of the window and some of us are drooling at Marcus.

For some unknown reason I can’t take my eyes off him; his fitted pink shirt, his grey pin stripe trousers and his styled grey flecked hair.

10.24 a.m. He’s still talking but I have noticed the occasional glance in my direction from him.

10.25 a.m. He’s done it again. Looked at me from across the room.

I am so glad no one else  has noticed this.

I am tapped on the shoulder, from behind, by Helen from Accounts. ‘Why does Mr Hot keep staring at you?’ she whispers.

I shrug my shoulders and keep my eyes firmly fixed on Marcus.

‘Maybe he likes your new hair colour’ Helen whispers, making me nod in agreement.

‘Maybe he fancies you!’ she whispers into my ear. The idea of Marcus being attracted to me starts to take shape. I am consumed by the fluttery sensation in my chest again and I can feel my cheeks heating up.

In an instant my brain runs through how our wedding day will look and whether or not I will invite anyone from the office to the evening celebration.

‘He’s a senior manager Roxy’ Helen whispers. My fantasy starts to crack.

‘Unlucky honey – he couldn’t date you anyway in his position of authority’ she hisses.

I turn around to glare at her face which is taut and twisted.

Helen has never really moved on from the blonde surfer who broke her heart. She hates to see anyone else getting some attention from the opposite sex.

My fantasy with Marcus is broken.

He gives me a look and I smile. The daydream was nice whilst it lasted.

For the record if I did get married Helen from Accounts will not be invited to the evening celebration.

10. 34 a.m. Get back to my desk and see email from Marcus. He wants to me come to his office as he has an update for me.

10.36 a.m. As I walk towards his office my phone bleeps. I casually peek at it and gasp. Its from Shaz, my heavily pregnant best friend.

‘I have pains – think its labour’ Shaz texts.

Quickly I text back. ‘You are four weeks early. Its probably Braxton-Hicks’

‘It hurts’ texts Shaz. She also includes eight crying emojis.

‘How many Snickers bars have you had?’ I text back.

‘Ten – why?’ texts Shaz.

‘Stop eating Snickers bars!’ I text back.

‘Are you still going to be my birthing partner?’ texts Shaz.

‘Yes – always – get some rest!’ I text back.

10. 37 a.m. I sit opposite Marcus and I can’t stop the fluttering sensation in my chest. It must be my breakfast repeating on me.

As he is on the phone I check my bag for some indigestion tablets. I don’t have any so I pop a mint.

10. 50 a.m. He finally puts down his phone and holds my gaze.

‘Roxy’ he says in his sexy smooth voice. I notice that his sea blue eyes are not sparkling today.

‘I am leaving the company’ he announces.

My heart sinks.

For a moment we both sit and stare at each other.

My phone starts ringing.

I let my phone ring. A lump has risen in my throat. I am actually sad to hear Marcus’s news.

‘There will be a formal briefing later. I wanted to tell you myself’ he says, breaking eye contact and shuffling some folders around his desk.

My phone starts ringing again from inside my handbag.

‘I am so sorry Marcus’ I say, trying not to cry. It is not good for your career to cry when a senior manager says they are leaving. All emotion must be kept to a minimum. I just hope I am not asked to sign his leaving card. I struggle with writing comments on leaving cards as my emotions run wild. I have been known to give people the wrong impression. Kevin from Accounts, who left the company, still thinks there is something between us six years on.

My phone will not stop ringing.

‘I think it is my daughter calling to tell me she hates me’ I moan, praying that whoever it decides to stop calling. I just hope Matilda has not taken it upon herself to accept Matt’s invitation of a sleep over and is now calling to tell me.

It will not be the first time that I have to physically remove her from a boy’s house. These teenage years are really hard.

Matilda seems to be a magnet for boys. I think we need to have a mother and daughter heart to heart.

‘i just wanted to say….’ he pauses. He takes a breath and looks away.

‘I will miss you’ the words fly out of my mouth and take me by surprise. I do struggle when my brain and mouth decide to disconnect.

His eyes widen and I watch his mouth fall open.

My phone is ringing. This has to be an emergency. I just hope Matilda is not over at Matt’s house having her own version of a sleepover…during the day.

I check the screen. Its Shaz. Quickly I answer it.

‘I need to go to the hospital Roxy, the pain is really bad’ groans Shaz.

‘Marcus’ I say. ‘I have to go, my best friend thinks she’s in labour and I am her birthing partner’

Marcus looks shocked and runs his hand through his grey flecked hair.

‘Isn’t the father about?’ he enquires.

‘Sadly not, he doesn’t want anything to do with her. It is a long story. He’s a postman’ I explain.

‘Do you have a car?’ he asks.

I shake my head. ‘I will get a taxi’ I say reaching for my purse.

‘Let me help you’ he says, rising from his chair and grabbing his jacket.

Now it is my turn to be shocked.

‘But you are the senior manager’ I say grabbing my bag.

‘I am leaving Roxy’ he says, whilst giving me a huge smile.

11.30 a.m. Marcus is driving at pace through town and towards the hospital.

Shaz and I are in the back of his Jaguar. I am holding Shaz’s hand whilst she groans and mumbles ‘Snickers bar….someone get me a Snickers Bar…help me!’

He keeps catching my eye in the mirror.

I am nervous for Shaz but I am consumed once again by this fluttery feeling.

11.40 a.m. Marcus and I are pushing Shaz in a wheelchair, up to the Maternity section of the hospital.

‘You didn’t have to do this!’ I shout as we race along.

‘I like rescuing you Roxy’ he says and turns to look at me.

We both stop pushing the wheel chair and stare at each other.

The world around us seems to stop.

All I can hear is the thudding of my heart.

‘Really?’ I ask.

‘That’s all I want to do’ he says, holding my gaze.

‘OMG Roxy I am in labour and you are on the bloody pull!’ shrieks Shaz.

 

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 27 The Sign #chicklit #romance

 

thediaryof

Saturday

8.15 P.M. Dan and I are on our hands and knees, trying to coax out my son Toby’s pet rat Bob from underneath the bed in our luxury hotel room.

My hopes of a romantic evening with Dan were dashed when my son’s pet rat decided to be a stowaway in my overnight case.

‘I think we’ll need to move the bed’ I say peering underneath it.

‘I’d forgotten how crazy life is with you Roxy!’ exclaims Dan, scratching his head.

‘I think I’m jinxed when it comes to posh hotels. I did warn you’ I say.

Dan’s phone bleeps. He reaches in his trouser pocket and checks it.

Bob the rat starts squeaking from underneath the bed.

‘Well come out then you silly rat!’ I exclaim in my shrill mother voice which works well on children and ex-partners, never tried it on furry creatures, until now.

Dan is still looking at his phone.

‘Why don’t you search Google for ideas on how we can catch a rat in a hotel room?’ I suggest.

Dan seems preoccupied and continues staring at the screen of his phone.

I go back to calling  ‘Bob….here Bob….come to Roxy!’

8.20 P.M. Bob the rat makes a run for it. I shriek at Dan. ‘Get him!’

Dan jumps out of his skin at the sight of Bob scurrying across the floor.

Sometimes in life a woman has to step in because her man is backed up against a wall trembling in fright.

Grabbing my white hotel towel robe, which is lying on the bed, I chuck it over Bob and then quickly scoop him up in it.

‘What are you going to do now?’ shrieks Dan, pointing at the wriggling rat in my towel robe.

‘We need to get him home’ I say. ‘Grab your car keys and lets go!’

‘Are you serious?’ cries Dan. ‘He’ll escape in my sports car!’

‘Trust me I am used to dealing with rats!’ I say, securing my grip on Bob, who has calmed down in my arms.

‘How  are we going to get out of the hotel with a rat?’ shrieks Dan, running his hands through his hair.

‘Empty my case quick!’ I say gesturing towards the bed.

Dan makes some odd faces at my underwear selection as he places my stuff onto the bed.

I place Bob in my pink fluffy overnight case, leaving the zip open a bit so he can breathe.

Dan and I then leave our room and head for the car.

8.45 P.M. Pull up outside my house. Grab pink fluffy suitcase with rat inside and totter into house at speed.

Open Bob’s cage and place him inside. Lock the cage and wipe brow.

Sometimes I amaze myself at the situations I get out of.

8.47 P.M. Dan is stood in my kitchen checking his phone.

I thought I checked my phone a lot. Must be football related.

‘Right shall we go back to the hotel?’ I ask checking my silver dress from River Island still looks amazing.

Now that Bob the rat is back home I can get on with having some romance.

Dan seems engrossed with his phone.

He looks so handsome in his smart grey suit, standing with his back against the fridge freezer.

8.48 P.M.  Just imagining Dan stood at the church waiting for me on our wedding day.

I can feel a little burst of happiness shoot through me. We are back together and we will probably get married, move into some posh house and make some beautiful babies.

Hang on I already have three older babies and he has two older babies.

8.49 P.M. Still gawping at Dan and debating (in my head) whether we will have kids together.

Make decision to stop thinking about having more kids.

There has been no mention of Clara, Dan’s best friend, who I have assumed is nearly married by now. Dan has been telling me how much she’s changed with her new man.

All my previous worries and insecurities about Clara have gone.   Dan chose me.

This feels too good to be true but I am going to go with it.

Roxy Collins is finally in a relationship! Yay!

Roxy Collins is going back to a fancy hotel for the night with her man! Yay!

Roxy Collins will soon be married! Yay!

Bob squeaks from his cage.

‘You can keep quiet!’ I whisper to Bob. ‘You nearly ruined my night of passion!’

‘Dan?’ I say.

Bob continues to squeak at me. I smile to myself as I recall Toby telling me the other night that Bob gives him secret messages via squeaks.

When I probed further into this communication with his pet rat it became apparent that Bob mainly tells him to fight his brother Harry, hide his sister Matilda’s make-up and refuse to eat vegetables at dinner time.

Toby insists that Bob the rat can communicate. I glance at Bob squeaking like mad at me from his cage.

‘Dan’ I say a bit louder. I wish he would put that phone away as I am going stir crazy thinking about our future children and whether my son’s rat can communicate with humans.

I need a drink and some romance!

Dan nods. We leave the kitchen and I can still hear Bob squeaking like mad.

‘What’s wrong with the rat?’ asks Dan.

‘Toby swears the rat gives him secret messages’ I chuckle. ‘Ignore him. Now drive me back to that hotel for some romance!’ I say taking Dan by the arm.

He opens the front door for me and cries ‘come on Clara! Let me get you back to our hotel!’

8.53 P.M. Time has stopped. I am rooted to the spot, mouth open, staring at Dan.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asks holding open the door.

‘You called me Clara!’ I snap, feeling blood start to sizzle in my veins.

‘I didn’t!’ he cries.

‘You did Dan!’ It’s amazing how fast tears can well up in my eyes.

‘Roxy I didn’t say Clara!’ he says, his voice tinged with irritation.

His phone bleeps again.

‘Is that Clara?’ I demand as the penny drops inside my head.

He looks away.

‘Dan what’s going on? You have been odd since we got in the hotel room.’ I demand, sensing trouble.

I watch as he rubs his face and looks away.

I can feel the blood draining from my face.

Bob is still squeaking from his cage.

‘I’m sorry I can’t do this Roxy….. I’m so sorry’ whispers Dan, avoiding my gaze and looking down at his shoes. ‘I thought Clara and I were just best friends but…..she’s been texting me tonight and she says….’

‘GET OUT!’ I scream. I knew it was too good to be true.

That woman Clara has her claws dug so deep into him.

I wish he’d never come back into my life.

Tears are streaming down my face as I shove him out.

9.56 P.M. I am sat in the conservatory with a bottle of red wine, a large glass, a box of tissues and a squeaking rat, sat in his cage.

Dan brought my suitcase from the hotel. He tried to explain on my doorstep about how she’s messed with his head. I ignored him and closed the door.

‘Oh Bob!’ I sob. ‘I should never have gone back with Dan!’

Bob squeaks in agreement.

‘Ex boyfriends are bad for my health!’ I cry wiping away hot tears.

Bob squeaks in agreement.

‘I am going to be a sad and lonely old spinster!’ I sob.

Bob stops squeaking. I think this means something.

Loud wail followed by huge slurp of wine.

For more Roxy please click here

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 25 The Ex-Boyfriend #ChickLit #comedy

 

 

thediaryof

 

Tuesday

6.54 P.M. My new relationship with Jake is on my mind. I have summoned a ‘Dating Council of War.’ This is where my best mate Shaz and I sit on my sofa and assess the situation.

Jake and I are dating but I have no idea where I stand with him.

There are a few unanswered questions after eight dates:

Are we a couple? I love putting labels onto things. At the moment I am not sure what label to put on us.

Are we still free to see other people or in other words – are we cancelling our dating app accounts?

Does he actually like me?

6.55 P.M. Shaz is on her 5th Snickers bar of the day. As her pregnancy reaches the third trimester her cravings have increased – she was on 3 Snickers bars a day, now it’s 6/7.

‘Have you had the conversation yet Roxy?’ asks Shaz, before biting into her chocolate bar.

I sigh loudly.  ‘Oh no I’m not having the conversation!’ I groan, before hanging my head.

The conversation is a key dating stage and one that I dread. Basically you ask your date whether you are officially an item.

In my experience dates respond with one of the following:

  • A nod (very rare!)
  • A blank look and shrug.
  • A change of subject / avoid eye contact (very common)
  • All texting stops as well as all other forms of communication. (Sadly very common)

It is the kiss of death dating conversation.

This conversation. screams ‘I want commitment!’ and can send you or them running for the hills.

I hate asking this question but I do want really want commitment with someone. So I have to ask.

‘Do you want your relationship to turn into something more serious?’ asks Shaz, licking chocolate from her fingers.

‘I am not sure. He seems petrified of me’ I say recalling our last date where I had to drop some mega hints about wanting him to hold my hand or kiss me.

Things got so bad on our romantic dinner at my local Indian restaurant the staff assumed Jake was a relation.

I sigh. ‘Jake’s lovely looking, he wears decent clothes and he seems nice but every time we are together he has this ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ sort of look’ I explain.

‘Really?’ asks Shaz.

6.56 P.M. My teenage daughter, Matilda, comes to join us in the lounge.

‘Matilda should your Mam have the conversation with Jake?’ asks Shaz.

‘Dunno. He’s a bit quiet for Mam’ says Matilda flicking through one of her glossy fashion magazines.

‘Your Mam thinks he’s scared of her’ laughs Shaz.

‘Boys say they are scared of me’ says Matilda, letting out a sigh. ‘It must run in the family!’

I give Matilda and a knowing look. ‘Tim, your sixth form friend doesn’t seem scared of you’ I say, remembering catching sight of Matilda kissing him on the doorstep the other night. I had to restrain myself from chucking a bowl of cold water over both of them and yelling at Tim to leave my angel like  teenage daughter alone.

‘Oh he was Mam!’ she gushes. ‘He took a lot of persuading’ she sighed.

‘TO DO WHAT?’ I shriek glaring at her.

In my head I reassure myself by saying ‘all teenagers exaggerate!’

‘Must dash, homework calling!’ Matilda says scooting upstairs.

7.56 P.M. A message suddenly appears in my Facebook messenger app. I gasp and Shaz, in a panic, reaches for another Snickers bar.

‘OMG it’s from Dan!’ I say with a look of surprise.

Dan. The handsome guy who I met in Greece whilst trying to persuade my hell raising cousin Maggie to return home.

Our romance came to an abrupt end shortly after I was introduced to his beautiful, but evil, best friend, Clara

‘He says he is in the area Friday night and wants to meet up’ I say casting Shaz a worried glance.

‘He says he misses me’ I mumble.

‘Oh dear, you better have that conversation with Jake ASAP!’ says Shaz giving me a worried glance.

‘Really?’ I ask.

‘Yea, once you have the conversation with Jake everything will fall into place’ Shaz says.

‘You are right. If Jake says we are a couple I will not see Dan. I mean it’s not like I have feelings for Dan’ I say accepting Shaz’s offer of a Snickers bar.

My heart is thudding at the thought of seeing Dan again.

‘Was Dan petrified of you?’ asks Shaz.

‘He saw me and my wobbly bits in a string bikini’ I say remembering my holiday romance.

‘I told you a good bikini can work wonders for your love life!’ sighs Shaz.

8. 13 P.M. Shaz is urging me to call Jake and have the dreaded conversation.

‘Do you think it’s too early to have the conversation?’ I ask Shaz.

‘It’s never to early Roxy!’ replies Shaz.

8. 15 P.M Jake’s phone going to voicemail. I leave a message for him to call me back.

9.40 P.M. No call from Jake. Dan is urging me to accept his offer of a meeting.

10.56 P.M. No call from Jake.


Wednesday

1.25 P.M. Jake and I finally speak on the phone. I am feeling brave so I ask him.

Would you say we are a couple now Jake?’ I ask casually, crossing my fingers and toes.

He goes silent on me and then changes the subject. The phone call ends shortly afterwards.

Thursday 

12.34 P.M. Jake is acting odd.

Communication has broken down between us.

12.35 P.M. Have a cry in the toilets at work.

12.45 P.M. Start dating discussion with half the office in the canteen at lunch.

12.56 P.M. I have decided to go meet Dan. Obviously I make my own decisions and was not swayed by Julie from Accounts telling me about how she went back to her ex boyfriend, married him and now lives in a fancy four bed roomed house on the nice side of town.

Friday

7.45 P.M. On my way to meet Dan.

Jake has barely talked to me for the last few days. No texts or messages.

Once again having the conversation has ruined my dating life.

Sigh loudly. Who wouldn’t want commitment with me? I am a fiery redhead with a big heart, a love of singing Cher songs, three kids and some wobbly bits.

8.20 P.M. Dan looks hotter than ever. Oh my goodness what a stunner!

Drain my glass of wine and try to stop myself from gazing longingly at my ex.

8.24 P.M. He says he’s really missed me and wants me to be his girlfriend again.

Order second glass of wine.

Dan clears up the old issue immediately by announcing that Clara is in a serious relationship and he hardly sees her.

8.34 P.M. Jake doesn’t seem interested in me whilst Dan is talking about what an amazing couple we would make.

8.36 P.M. Dan smells divine. I am struggling to stop leaning into him.

Must regain control of myself.

8.45 P.M. I can’t stop looking into Dan’s eyes.

Why do ex boyfriends do this?

Decide to hold back and assess the situation tomorrow in the cold light of day. The thing with Jake is still on my mind. I am going to resist hunky Dan.

Yes – good idea Roxy!

Order a third glass of wine to reward myself for sensible thought process.

8.47 P.M. I am kissing Dan like crazy.

I hate making dating decisions that I cannot stick too.

10.15 P.M. On the bus on way home. I can safely say Dan was not petrified of me.

Dan wants to see me again. He’s talking about coming down from Manchester and booking us a fancy hotel.

Feel a twinge of guilt for Jake.

10.16 P.M. Phone has just bleeped. It’s a text from Jake:

‘Yes I do want you to be my girlfriend x’

Silent scream!

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 24 – The Search For Matilda #comedy #romance

 

 

thediaryof

Friday

5.33 P.M. Matilda, my teenage daughter, has asked whether she can go to a party tonight at her new friend  Tom’s house.

She also wants to stay over at Tom’s house as according to her that is what you do now with male friends.

According to her you can stay over at a boy’s house without there being any hanky panky.

5.34 P.M. I give her a straight  ‘NO!’

My daughter is not going to a party with a bunch of older boys. No!

Sometimes I do wonder whether Matilda thinks I was brought down in the last rain shower.

In my experience hanky panky is never far away.

‘Don’t worry I can take my own bedding’ she says.

‘NO it’s not about the bedding Matilda!’ I say, shaking my head in disbelief  at how she can:

a.) Ask to go to the party with a bunch of older boys plus stay over.

And

b.) think I am saying no because I am worried about bedding!

She screams ‘I HATE YOU!’

I shout ‘YOU ARE NOT GOING!’

She yells ‘GO TO HELL!’

Off she strides out of the lounge telling me her YouTube fans will be hearing about this form of cruelty.

6.10 P.M. Getting ready to go out on first date with Jake.

Phone bleeps. It’s Matilda’s Dad Jon.

She’s text me to say you are being cruel. She wants to live with me!’ (Jon).

She is not going to some house party run by a load of 18-year-old boys and staying over! You and Paul are welcome to her! (Me).

6.34 P.M. My best mate Shaz has turned up to look after the kids. Heavily pregnant and eating a fun bag of Snickers (pregnancy craving)

‘Alright Roxy what’s happening?’ says Shaz rubbing her huge baby bump.

‘Matilda is not speaking to me!’ I say painting on some bright red lip gloss.

‘Is it about that party?’ asks Shaz.

‘How do you know?’ I ask.

‘It’s all over Instagram’ she says showing me her phone.

There is a selfie of Matilda looking sad with fake tears rolling down her cheeks. Lots of hashtags #sadness #cruelmother #letmeout I notice it has over 100 likes already.

‘Right I am off’ I say picking up my clutch bag and phone. ‘The boys are in Harry’s room playing X-Box and Matilda is in her room complaining about me on social media!’

6.35 P.M. As I am leaving Matilda appears.

‘Mam I’m sorry’ she says.

I get emotional and we give each other hug.

Over Matilda’s shoulder I see Shaz shaking her head with disapproval.

6.36 P.M. Step outside feeling proud. She’s a good kid really and so grown up for realising she was in the wrong.

7.04 P.M. Am on the bus getting excited about my date with Jake.

Just checking my breath is minty when phone bleeps with a text. It’s Shaz.

Matilda has gone! 

What????

Room empty, window open and looks like she has climbed down drain pipe.

All pride for my teenage daughter vanishes.

7.05 P.M. Have complete mental breakdown on bus; call daughter’s phone, text her frantically, leave angry messages on her voicemail, breathe very fast, repeat ‘I don’t want to be a granny!’ 

7.07 P.M. Consider getting off bus and running back home but it is already in town. Drat!

7.08 P.M. I am so cross I am trembling. How dare she disobey me!

I never did this sort of thing when I was her age. Hang on….I did do this sort of thing. My mother told me I was a complete nightmare up until the age of 21.

Ok forget my wild teenage past.

7.10 P.M. Get off bus. Jake is standing waiting for me.

He takes one look at me and I know he can sense something is wrong.

‘Do you have a car?’ I ask quickly. First date etiquette is a thing of the past.

He looks shocked.

‘Can you help me find my teenage daughter?’ I say taking him by the arm.

7.16 P.M. Driving home. Jake looks pale and keeps rubbing his face.

‘The party might not be as bad as you think’ he says, after I tell him to put his foot down.

‘You don’t know Matilda!’ I say. ‘She will lead them all astray!’

He grimaces.

‘Maybe she could go for a couple of hours?’ he asks.

‘Matilda will go crazy in a couple of hours, trust me she doesn’t need long’ I say.

7.24 P.M. I have no idea where this party is so I have to use my ‘mother ingenuity’ – an amazing skill.

I am running up to her friend Louise’s house. Jake is in the car.

‘Where is she?’ I shriek at Louise.

‘Dunno’ mumbles Louise, chewing  and avoiding eye contact.

I hate loyal friends.

7.25 P.M. Lightbulb moment. I need to start talking the language of teenagers.

‘I am going I cancel those tickets to that concert you both wanted to go to’ I say getting out my phone.

‘What???’ shrieks Louise.

7.31 P.M. Pull up outside large house on posh side of town. Jake thinks this is where I live. Haven’t got time to destroy his dreams.

Run up drive screaming ‘Matilda!’

A door opens and I rush in. No time for pleasantries.

I fly into the lounge and there is Matilda sat next to Tom.

‘OMG Mam!’ she shrieks.

7.33 P.M. Yank teenage daughter down the drive and ignore her screams. Shove her in Jake’s car and tell him to drive.

7.45 P.M. Sat in the car, outside my house, with Jake. Matilda has been deposited inside and has been grounded forever. I am flustered and manic.

‘Are you ok?’ he asks.

‘Just kiss me Jake’ I say.