Heaven Calling Blog Series – Part 3 #Comedy #Heaven #ComedyWriter 

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Welcome to my comedy blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore. 

For Part 1 – please click here.

For Part 2 – please click here.

Quick recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry had started dating. He’d spent two years grieving her.

Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel plus God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates from heaven.

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Heaven Calling – Part 2 Fictional Series #Comedy #Marriage #Dating

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Welcome to my weekly blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.

For part 1 please click here.

Recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end last week after she made a shocking discovery about her husband, Gerry. He’d decided to start dating after spending two years mourning her. Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

As she had a good working relationship with God and her team of angels, Camilla hoped they would be able to offer some assistance to her, in getting Gerry back to a state of mourning.

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Heaven Calling – Part 1 New Fictional Series #Comedy #Chicklit #WomensFiction

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Welcome to my new weekly fictional series – Heaven Calling.  

Writing novels is hard and sometimes a writer needs to have a break. This is like a mini break for me. I miss creating a fictional blog series and getting the chance to write a new chapter each week.

This is meant to be a comedy but I am sat here wondering whether anyone will find it funny. If it tanks I will just have to write something else. Sigh.

It will be out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.com.

Check out part 1 below.

I hope you enjoy getting to know Camilla and Gerry.

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Author Interviews – Liz Tipping @LizTipping #Author #WeekendBlogShare

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Welcome to my weekly blog series – Author Interviews.

These interviews give me a glimpse into the writing life of an author. They share their book journey, the obstacles they have faced and their motivations. At the end of each interview I ask the big question – what do they wear whilst writing?

This week I am struggling to contain my excitement as one of my romantic comedy author heroines has agreed to sit in my red chair. I read her first book Five Go Glamping and liked it so much I travelled to Birmingham to hear her speak at a book event. She was so funny, charming and inspiring I found myself charging up to the front to talk to her afterwards. 

After a gin or tonic or two, I built up the courage to contact her before Christmas to ask whether she would appear on my blog and……she said YES!  Dreams can come true readers!

So please welcome Liz Tipping..

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Author Interviews – Lacey London @thelaceylondon #AmWriting #Author

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Welcome to my weekly blog series – Author Interviews.

Every week I get to interview an amazing and inspirational author over a virtual cuppa and a biscuit (or two). We talk about their literary journey, the struggles they have faced, their motivations and at the end of the interview they answer the question everyone is desperate to know – what do they wear whilst writing their literary masterpiece?

This week I am on cloud nine as one of my favourite romantic comedy authors is sat in my red chair – Lacey London!  Now, if like me, you are a huge fan of Bridget Jones you will LOVE Lacey’s hugely popular Clara Andrews series. I have never chuckled as much as I did when I read the Clara Andrews series. Her characters are so easy to relate to and likeable.

So, please welcome Lacey London! 

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16 Reasons Why I Love Writing & Reading Romantic Comedy #MondayBlogs #romance #Chicklit

 

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I enjoy writing and reading romantic comedy. I have written The Diary of Roxy Collins series and turned it into a fictional comedy podcast (live on iTunes and SoundCloud) which has to be one of the most enjoyable things that I have done as a writer. Plus this week I am starting work on the second draft of my debut novel ‘Instructions For Falling In Love Again’ – which has gone down really well with my reviewers.

My bookshelves at home are filled mainly romantic comedy and chicklit novels. Whilst my loved one reads serious spy thrillers I settle down with a lighthearted romantic comedy and annoy him by giggling, sighing and occasionally blubbering (when the two main characters realise they love each other – always sets me off!)

So I thought it would be good to celebrate this fab literary genre and record all the reasons why I love writing and reading romantic comedies.

  1. As a writer getting two emotionally incomplete characters to overcome comedy obstacles, endure testing personal situations and unite romantically by the end of a novel can be a pleasurable challenge.
  2. Romantic comedies are a form of escapism. For a couple of hours I get to dive into a story filled with laughter, tears, waves of delicious sexual tension and a guaranteed happy ending. Sigh!
  3. They bring out the inner hopeless romantic in me.
  4. I hate surprises. So I like knowing when I start writing or reading a romantic comedy that love will triumph at the end and the right two people will get together.
  5. I love the sexual chemistry between the two main characters. I like the way the characters try to deny their feelings for each other, keep a lid on their secret desires and cast some smouldering gazes.
  6. I like the ‘feel good’ factor they bring. After a bad day where nothing has gone to plan, my hair has not looked right, I have felt fat, frumpy and my hormone levels are off the scale I can read or watch a romantic comedy and feel a lot better.
  7. I love reading and writing comedy situations. I love crying with laughter at a character’s mishaps. I think its because my life seems to be full of unexpected  comedy situations where I do or say the wrong thing. I think this is why I love my character Roxy Collins so much. The episode where she goes on a date with Kevin plumber and has some unexpected issues with her contact lenses mid date, which brings on absolute chaos, is fab!
  8. Romantic comedies make you believe that anything is possible.
  9. Life changing romantic moments always happen in the rain or the snow. I was on the edge of my seat when Bridget Jones ran after Mark Darcy in the snow.
  10. They are cheesy and riddled with cliches! As a reader and a writer I am attracted to cheesy stuff and cliches!
  11. Romantic comedies are the modern fairytale.
  12. They have pretty book covers. Sigh!
  13. I love reading about others experiencing mayhem and chaos.
  14. I love the ‘post romantic comedy’ daydream where you stare into space and wonder what the new fictional couple are doing now. Did their relationship work? What was married life like? I have had many messages from my  Wattpad Roxy fans telling me that they are suffering from these daydreams and are keen to know how Roxy and Marcus are doing.
  15. I love how you can get totally carried away with reading and writing a romantic comedy and find yourself in floods of tears. There is nothing quite like a good tear jerker!
  16. As a writer I love how I slowly start to morph into my female characters. You would not believe how many fake tan disasters I have had since Roxy hit iTunes.

Think I need to go lie down in a darkened room after creating this list.

Have a fabulous day all 🙂

The Diary of Roxy Collins Podcast-2

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Marcus – Part 29 #Romance #comedy

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Thursday

9.15 a.m. Receive a mixed reaction from the office to my new vibrant red hair colour.

Martin, my line manager, takes one look at me, grips the desk and says ‘good grief Roxy what have you done!’

The nice men on the IT helpdesk give me a thumbs up and then ask me to fake an IT problem so they can spend time with me.

The young trendy girls in the office give me a ‘OMG – cooooooool hair!’

The older women in the office cast me a puzzled look and ask me whether the colour is permanent.

If I am honest, Wayne did get carried away with the colour of my hair. I was left speecheless when he gave me the mirror.

Matilda, my teenage daughter, arrived home from her Cheerleading training session, took one look at my hair and rolled her eyes. I then overheard her, later in her room, making a YouTube video titled ‘When your mother thinks she’s 21 again’.

9.25 a.m. Marcus, my senior manager, walks past my desk and gives me a smile. The weird fluttering sensation in my chest returns.

10.05 a.m. Receive text from Matilda, my teenage daughter, asking whether she can stay over at her new boyfriend Matt’s house tonight.

I am not sure whether Matilda thinks that I am suffering from amnesia. I have been saying no to this request for months. This is not happening. She’s not staying over at a boy’s house!

I text back ‘NO!’

Text back from Matilda ‘relax Mam, it is just like a girlie sleepover but with a boy!’

I text back ‘NO!’

Text from Matilda ‘Lou [her best friend] says her Mum would let her stay over with a boy’

I text back ‘I am not Lou’s mother!’

Text from Matila ‘Matt and I both hate you!’ and eight devil emojis.

10.20 a.m. Sat in a meeting where Marcus is presenting some business statistics.

All the department are sat on chairs in rows. Some of us are listening, some are nearly asleep (Mike from Finance), some are bored rigid, some are staring out of the window and some of us are drooling at Marcus.

For some unknown reason I can’t take my eyes off him; his fitted pink shirt, his grey pin stripe trousers and his styled grey flecked hair.

10.24 a.m. He’s still talking but I have noticed the occasional glance in my direction from him.

10.25 a.m. He’s done it again. Looked at me from across the room.

I am so glad no one else  has noticed this.

I am tapped on the shoulder, from behind, by Helen from Accounts. ‘Why does Mr Hot keep staring at you?’ she whispers.

I shrug my shoulders and keep my eyes firmly fixed on Marcus.

‘Maybe he likes your new hair colour’ Helen whispers, making me nod in agreement.

‘Maybe he fancies you!’ she whispers into my ear. The idea of Marcus being attracted to me starts to take shape. I am consumed by the fluttery sensation in my chest again and I can feel my cheeks heating up.

In an instant my brain runs through how our wedding day will look and whether or not I will invite anyone from the office to the evening celebration.

‘He’s a senior manager Roxy’ Helen whispers. My fantasy starts to crack.

‘Unlucky honey – he couldn’t date you anyway in his position of authority’ she hisses.

I turn around to glare at her face which is taut and twisted.

Helen has never really moved on from the blonde surfer who broke her heart. She hates to see anyone else getting some attention from the opposite sex.

My fantasy with Marcus is broken.

He gives me a look and I smile. The daydream was nice whilst it lasted.

For the record if I did get married Helen from Accounts will not be invited to the evening celebration.

10. 34 a.m. Get back to my desk and see email from Marcus. He wants to me come to his office as he has an update for me.

10.36 a.m. As I walk towards his office my phone bleeps. I casually peek at it and gasp. Its from Shaz, my heavily pregnant best friend.

‘I have pains – think its labour’ Shaz texts.

Quickly I text back. ‘You are four weeks early. Its probably Braxton-Hicks’

‘It hurts’ texts Shaz. She also includes eight crying emojis.

‘How many Snickers bars have you had?’ I text back.

‘Ten – why?’ texts Shaz.

‘Stop eating Snickers bars!’ I text back.

‘Are you still going to be my birthing partner?’ texts Shaz.

‘Yes – always – get some rest!’ I text back.

10. 37 a.m. I sit opposite Marcus and I can’t stop the fluttering sensation in my chest. It must be my breakfast repeating on me.

As he is on the phone I check my bag for some indigestion tablets. I don’t have any so I pop a mint.

10. 50 a.m. He finally puts down his phone and holds my gaze.

‘Roxy’ he says in his sexy smooth voice. I notice that his sea blue eyes are not sparkling today.

‘I am leaving the company’ he announces.

My heart sinks.

For a moment we both sit and stare at each other.

My phone starts ringing.

I let my phone ring. A lump has risen in my throat. I am actually sad to hear Marcus’s news.

‘There will be a formal briefing later. I wanted to tell you myself’ he says, breaking eye contact and shuffling some folders around his desk.

My phone starts ringing again from inside my handbag.

‘I am so sorry Marcus’ I say, trying not to cry. It is not good for your career to cry when a senior manager says they are leaving. All emotion must be kept to a minimum. I just hope I am not asked to sign his leaving card. I struggle with writing comments on leaving cards as my emotions run wild. I have been known to give people the wrong impression. Kevin from Accounts, who left the company, still thinks there is something between us six years on.

My phone will not stop ringing.

‘I think it is my daughter calling to tell me she hates me’ I moan, praying that whoever it decides to stop calling. I just hope Matilda has not taken it upon herself to accept Matt’s invitation of a sleep over and is now calling to tell me.

It will not be the first time that I have to physically remove her from a boy’s house. These teenage years are really hard.

Matilda seems to be a magnet for boys. I think we need to have a mother and daughter heart to heart.

‘i just wanted to say….’ he pauses. He takes a breath and looks away.

‘I will miss you’ the words fly out of my mouth and take me by surprise. I do struggle when my brain and mouth decide to disconnect.

His eyes widen and I watch his mouth fall open.

My phone is ringing. This has to be an emergency. I just hope Matilda is not over at Matt’s house having her own version of a sleepover…during the day.

I check the screen. Its Shaz. Quickly I answer it.

‘I need to go to the hospital Roxy, the pain is really bad’ groans Shaz.

‘Marcus’ I say. ‘I have to go, my best friend thinks she’s in labour and I am her birthing partner’

Marcus looks shocked and runs his hand through his grey flecked hair.

‘Isn’t the father about?’ he enquires.

‘Sadly not, he doesn’t want anything to do with her. It is a long story. He’s a postman’ I explain.

‘Do you have a car?’ he asks.

I shake my head. ‘I will get a taxi’ I say reaching for my purse.

‘Let me help you’ he says, rising from his chair and grabbing his jacket.

Now it is my turn to be shocked.

‘But you are the senior manager’ I say grabbing my bag.

‘I am leaving Roxy’ he says, whilst giving me a huge smile.

11.30 a.m. Marcus is driving at pace through town and towards the hospital.

Shaz and I are in the back of his Jaguar. I am holding Shaz’s hand whilst she groans and mumbles ‘Snickers bar….someone get me a Snickers Bar…help me!’

He keeps catching my eye in the mirror.

I am nervous for Shaz but I am consumed once again by this fluttery feeling.

11.40 a.m. Marcus and I are pushing Shaz in a wheelchair, up to the Maternity section of the hospital.

‘You didn’t have to do this!’ I shout as we race along.

‘I like rescuing you Roxy’ he says and turns to look at me.

We both stop pushing the wheel chair and stare at each other.

The world around us seems to stop.

All I can hear is the thudding of my heart.

‘Really?’ I ask.

‘That’s all I want to do’ he says, holding my gaze.

‘OMG Roxy I am in labour and you are on the bloody pull!’ shrieks Shaz.

 

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 10 -Sea Rescue #Chicklit #Comedy

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Saturday

5.02 a.m.

I am going on holiday!

I am going on holiday without my kids!

I am going on holiday with hardly any money, a string bikini and an expensive golden fake tan. Hurrah!

Maggie, my wayward cousin knows that I am coming. We had a heated WhatsApp conversation earlier in the week where I tried to convince her to come home after my Greek trip so I could just go to out there and enjoy myself. She refused point-blank. I must still keep the belief that persuading Maggie will take a large cocktail and a good half hour, face to face.

Brian, my landlord is getting out of the car at the airport to help me unload my suitcases. I am doing a little dance on the spot and he is raising his bushy grey eyebrows at me.

“Please don’t go crazy in Greece” he moans, shaking his head.

I am so excited I can only manage I squeaked “ok Brian”

“Patricia and I talked at length about your trip last night and we both came to the conclusion that you have the potential to lose control in a warm country with lots of alcohol and wild men.

Excitement is shooting up my spine at the prospect of being in a warm country with lots of alcohol and wild men. Oh my goodness – yes!

“Brian I will be fine!” I say giving him a cheeky wink.

My landlord Brian groans and looks away.

1.15 p.m. I am on the plane, somewhere over Europe, and I have decided to take things steady. I am sipping my second gin & tonic and I am busy talking to a woman sat next to me about dating in your thirties. We are giggling like a pair of school girls at the men on our respective dating apps and getting some concerned looks from other travellers.

3.30 p.m. I have finally arrived in Greece with a throbbing headache and a dry mouth. I don’t think the third gin & tonic did me any favours.

Maggie is waiting for me at the airport. She is wearing a bikini top, a colourful sarong, flip-flops and a straw cowboy hat. As I stagger towards her she throws open her arms and rushes to give me a huge hug.

“Roxy!!” she screams. We do a hug dance thing in the middle of the airport and the world starts to spin before ,my eyes.

“OMG look at you Roxy!” Maggie screeches leaning back to take a look at me. “That is some tan you have going on there!”

I grin and feel a burst of fake bake tan euphoria rising inside me.

Maggie takes one of my suitcases and groans. at the weight of it “How much have you brought with you Cousin?”

“I have outfits for all scenarios!” I gush.

She leads me out of the airport and to a heap of junk which she is calling a car.

“Errrr Mags I am not getting in that!” I exclaim pointing at the rusty old contraption.

“Calm it Roxy, it drives like a dream!” purrs Maggie, stuffing my luggage into the boot. She opens the passenger door and shoves me inside.

“Mags! No!” I gasp.

She gets in, flashes me a wicked smile and removes her flip flops. I stare in horror as she drives off like a maniac…in bare feet!

Driving has never been one of Maggie’s strengths.

I am sat with my eyes tight shut, gripping onto the shabby leather seat for dear life and listening to Maggie shout “ignore the horrid clanking sound, it’s only an engine fault!”

If I am honest there is no real difference with Maggie driving bare foot and Maggie driving wearing shoes.

“Is this your car?” I ask, through chattering teeth.

“The guy who is renting me my apartment out here owns it!” Maggie shouts. “He’s called George”

In my head I am trying to imagine, the Greek landlord version of Brian.

Maggie is swerving around road bends and zipping in and out traffic. She seems to have no real concern about oncoming traffic or her speed.

“Mags please slow down!” I wail, as a wave of nausea washes over me.

“Relax Roxy!” says Maggie placing a tanned hand on my arm.

“I feel sick” I groan, wishing I had not knock backed three gin and tonics in quick secession on the plane.

4.45 P.M. Maggie and I are sat on the beach.

“Wow Roxy that bikini is….amazing!” gushes Maggie as I stand up, give her a twirl and ignore the wolf whistle from the bloke behind us.

“I saw it in the shop and I just had to buy it!” I say, placing my hands on my soft dough like hips and wishing I had done some exercise before coming away.

“All the youngsters are wearing those!” says Maggie, pointing to a crowd of stick like tanned teenage girls who don’t seem to suffer with wobbly bits. I sit back down on my towel in a flash.

“So Mags tell me about this place!” I say, surveying the beach.

“I am a waitress in the George’s bar” Maggie says, placing her sunglasses on the top of her head. Her blonde curly hair has lightened in the sun and she has a wonderful natural golden glow to her.

“Bet its nice living here!” I exclaim, wondering whether me and the kids to move out here. A few handsome Greek teenage boys walk past our towel. Maybe the idea of us moving out here would be a bad as Matilda would be a nightmare.

“It is ok” mumbles Maggie. “My savings have taken a battering as I don’t make much money at the beach bar”.

“Oh” I reply, shelving the idea of the kids and I moving out here.

“But I get to party every night and I have a string of handsome Greek admirers” she says with a wink. The thought of partying every night out here makes me keep he idea of the kids and I moving out here alive.

I decide to get down to the business side of the trip. The family is counting on me to persuade Maggie to come home.

“So you are not going to want to come home and marry Vince?” I ask.

“Roxy!” she laughs. “Here I have lovely warm weather, a zillion parties to go to and dishy Greek men – why would I want to come home!”

I can see her point.

4.45 p.m.. It’s red-hot here. Think I need to cool down.

Maggie is chatting to some friend from the beach so I am off for a swim.

The sea is full of beautiful, athletic looking people who can swim really well. I am trying to give the impression that I am one of them.

“Hi I am Dan from Manchester!” says an annoying bloke, who keeps swimming near me. “What’s your name?”

“Roxy!” I say, looking away and concentrating on my swimming.

“Where are you from?” he asks, swimming really close to me.

“None of your business!” I say and swim off.

“Hey wait up!” he says, powering along side of me.

He is quite good-looking and has a cheeky smile. If he wasn’t so annoying I might talk to him properly.

“Roxy where did you learn to swim like that?” he asks.

I roll my eyes and carry on with my own version of breast stroke.

“I have never seen one swimmer churn up so much froth!” says annoying Dan, staring at my arm movements.

“Can you go away please I am on holiday and enjoying myself!” I say to annoying Dan.

“I can’t go away Roxy, I am intrigued by your unique swimming stroke!” he says.

“I am a very proficient swimmer!” I snap and swim far out to show annoying Dan that I am a proficient swimmer.

4.20 p.m. I had to be rescued by Annoying Dan from Manchester.

Got into a bit of trouble in the sea.

I am currently lying on the beach coughing my guts up. Annoying Dan is sat beside me grinning and telling me that I might want to consider wearing a wet suit the next time I am planning on going deep-sea diving.

He is not funny.

6.23 p.m. Start to get ready for the evening ahead. It feels like old times when Maggie and I used to go clubbing together.

We turn up the music from Maggie’s radio, open a bottle of wine and start to dance around her apartment.

7.34 p.m. Choose outfit for my first Greek evening. I opt for sensible summer trousers, a vest top and some flat sandals.

Maggie takes one look at me, frowns and reminds me that I am off out with her and not Great Aunt Vera.

7.45 p.m. Change outfit. Go for tight-fitting short dress and huge heels. Maggie gives her approval as I stagger about the apartment dousing myself in perfume and deodorant.

8.52 p.m. Maggie informs me that her landlord George owns a bar and that we will be dancing till dawn.

I am shocked at hearing this, Brian, my landlord, is in bed by nine with a warm milky drink and his cross word.

8.56 p.m. Am stood open-mouthed and in shock at the sight of George. He is one hot Greek landlord! If I was to guess I would say he is early forties. He is dark-haired with olive skin, piercing eyes and a smile which makes me take a gulp of air.

Maggie says he is not her type, too rugged and too old for her liking.

She whispers to me that her Greek male admirers are all under thirty. I am impressed seeing as Maggie is pushing thirty-five.

10.13 p.m. Vasilis doesn’t seem interested in me. After a few forced smiles at me he becomes engrossed talking to some British tourists from Blackpool.

I need to find someway of getting him to talk to me. He is so hot!

Annoying Dan from Manchester is at the bar and keeps winking at me. I ignore him.

11.34 p.m. Had far too much to drink and I am now dancing on the table with Maggie.

The hot Greek landlord is not interested in me.

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t be interested in someone like me?

Sunday

12.05 a.m. Still dancing on table. Think my dress is going to split at the back. My wobbly bits are once again causing me issues.

The whole bar, apart from Vasilis, is staring at our dance moves.

Who would have thought two thirty-something women from the UK could dance so well?

1.09 a.m. Still bopping away on the table. Bit sweaty now.

1.24 a.m. Ahhhhh! I am falling off table in a drunken stupor after a badly performed high leg kick.

I am sending a prayer to God that I will magically land in the arms of the hot Greek landlord.

Annoying Dan from Manchester has caught me and is announcing to the bar that this is the second time he has saved me in twenty-four hours.

He is so annoying!

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 5 Inner Biker Chick #Comedy #BikerChick

 

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Wednesday

6.55 p.m. I am sat on my sofa squashed between Harry and Toby, who are all watching TV.

Tonight I have a date with Gordon. He’s 38, the lead singer of a rock band and drives a motorbike. I was surprised when he started winking at me on my dating app as I don’t normally go for men like Gordon.

After a long discussion, in the work canteen with the girls from Accounts, over whether I should change my dating preferences, I agreed to go on a date with Gordon. As they correctly pointed out; life is all about experimenting. They used Sheila from Office Services as an example. Sheila (55), divorced, a lover of hand knitted cardigans and long flowery skirts, was miserable with her dating choices. She mainly played in the over 65 market but it was clear men aged 65 and over were making her moody and a pain to be around. Things changed dramatically when she started experimenting with younger men. Sheila struck up a relationship with Terry, 36, and swapped hand knitted cardigans, long skirts and a grumpy look for tight fitting tops, short skirts and a crazy happy facial expression.

Earlier this afternoon Shaz and I sat on my bed and discussed my outfit for a date with Gordon who is taking me tin pin bowling.

“I think I will go for something casual” I said, thinking about some nice linen trousers and a fancy top.

“Roxy!” exclaimed Shaz, pointing at Gordon’s photo on my phone. “You can NOT go casual on a date with someone like Gordon. He’s a wild rock dude!’

I shot Shaz a look of concern. “I know that but I am at my best in comfy linen trousers”

“He will not be expecting you to rock up in sensible Mum on the Run type trousers!” exclaimed Shaz. I watched as she unwrapped her sixth Snickers bar of the day.

“He’s taking me bowling so I will need to go practical with my fashion choices” I said, standing up from the bed to search my wardrobe.

“Oh come on Roxy! said Shaz. “This bowling thing will be some sexy ploy. Gordon will sweep you into his big muscular arms and pop you on the back of his powerful motorbike!” drooled Shaz. “He will then zoom off with you clutching onto his ginormous ripped chest.!”

We both went silent. I gazed dreamily out of the window and imagined myself urging Gordon to drive faster whilst feeling the wind through my hair.

I talked first. “Do you really think he won’t want to go bowling?”

Shaz raised her perfectly sculptured eyebrows at me. “Do you think the lead singer of ‘The Metal Gods’ is going to go ten pin bowling”

I looked at Gordon’s photo. “You have a point Shaz. But what do I wear?”

A mischievous grin spread across Shaz’s tanned face. “Roxy Collins, you need to connect with your inner biker chick!”

My mouth fell open in surprise. “After having three kids and two failed relationships I don’t think I have an inner biker chick!”

Shaz smiled. “She’s been inside you all along. It is now time to connect with her….and Gordon LOL!’

I shook my head. “I don’t have an inner biker chick Shaz!”

Shaz rose from my dressing table stool. “Have you not had a strong urge to dress head to toe in leather and do that thing with a motorbike helmet, where you remove it, shake out your hair, whilst looking amazing?”

“The only urges I get are to sit on my sofa with a cup of tea and open up Facebook” I replied.

Shaz came to stand by me. “You have never lived! Trust me, once you connect with your inner biker chick life won’t be the same!”

I gave her a puzzled look. “When have you connected with your inner biker chick?’

“The postman liked me in leather…” mumbled Shaz.

An awkward silence descended on us both.

I spoke first. “This connecting with my inner biker chick business is not going to happen as I don’t have anything suitable” I whimpered.

“Hang on, let me make a quick call to Useful Kim” said Shaz, scrolling through her phone.

“No Shaz please don’t call Useful Kim!” I barked.

Shaz shook her head and put the phone to her ear.

“She’s never been useful!” I screeched, remembering the last time we had to call upon useful Kim. We were going on a hen do which involved dressing up as sexy mermaids and needed a suitable outfit. I had been having grand visions of looking like some sort of aquatic beauty and using the occasion to catch an attractive sailor in my net as the bar we were going to is normally filled with navy recruits.

Useful Kim owns a fancy dress shop. We have all wondered how she stays in business as her costumes are the worst on the planet. Shaz and I were desperate, as we had left buying an outfit to the last minute. Shaz swore blind that Useful Kim would sort us out. We ended up looking like a right pair of rough old trouts! I have never seen grubby looking fish tails like the ones we wore and the shell encrusted bra tops had shells missing.

Shaz got off the phone and winked “All sorted. Her son is going drop off a biker chick outfit!”

Useful Kim’s son Trevor dropped off the outfit later. I nearly had heart failure when I unwrapped the polythene cover. Useful Kim had, for once, come up trumps! It was a sexy looking black leather jacket and some amazing fitted black leather trousers.

“OMG look at that!” squealed Shaz as I hung it up. “Wow you are going to look like a badass sexy biker chick…I am totes jealous!”

Euphoria shot up my spine as the daydream about me on Gordon’s motorbike came rushing back to me.

“Shaz I think this is what my life has been missing!” I say stroking the black leather jacket.

“Your inner biker chick won’t you down now what you going to wear on your feet?” asked Shaz staring at my shoe rack.

“Red stilettos!” I replied. “Hang on I never took a note of how tall he was.”

Shall placed her hand on my arm. “He’s going to be a giant of a man, I can tell by that photo. The lead singer of the Metal Gods will not be a weed!”

I nodded in agreement and went back to gazing at my biker chick outfit. Useful Kim had started living up to her name.

It was only when I put the outfit on after my bath that I came to the following conclusions:

Useful Kim should never be trusted.

This date with Gordon is going to be a challenge.

7.02 p.m. I am waiting for Brian, my land lord to come give me a lift to the local bowling alley.

Gordon’s photo is on my phone and I am gawping at it. Harry leans over my shoulder. “Wow is he going to be our new Dad!”

“Its a first date Harry!” I say.

“I would like a Dad with a motorbike!” coos Harry.

“You have a Dad with a tropical fish shop!” I say.

Harry mumbles something and goes back to watching TV.

My eyes settle on Gordon’s long hair. My mind recalls my earlier conversation with Shaz about his hair.

“Do you think he looks after his hair?” I asked, showing Shaz a photo of Gordon stood outside a betting shop.

One of my pet hates in life is hair that’s not been looked after properly. I am obsessed with the condition of my own hair, Matilda’s hair and the boys hair. This is the main reason why I spend so much of what little money I do have in the expensive hair dressing salon on the high street. I would rather starve than have dry, split ends.

Shaz snatched the phone away from me and stared at Gordon’s locks.

“My mum had a neighbour like Gordon and he was forever telling my mum over the fence about his hair care routine”

“Really?” I asked, hoping that Gordon has the same approach to hair.

“Mum said this neighbour disagreed with her hairdresser over what conditioning hair treatment to use on her perm”.

A worrying thought ran through my mind. What if Gordon and I got serious and he disagreed with the expensive hair salon on the high street on my hair?

7.03 pm. Brian is at the door and is talking to Harry.

It is time for me to make a move. Matilda saunters into the lounge just at the right time.

“Help your Mam get up!” I say holding out my arms and wondering whether the blood is still circulating in my legs, underneath the skin tight leather trousers.

She yanks me to my feet and her jaw falls to the floor at the sight of me.

“OMG Mam…don’t you think you are too old for that look?” she asks, with a look of terror on her face.

“Tonight I am connecting with my inner biker chick” I say, shuffling towards the door and cursing Useful Kim in my head. I just hope Gordon is not expecting me to bowl or leap onto his motorbike.

“You look like her out of Grease!” pipes up Toby, making me smile. He’s right I am Olivia Newton John.

“She wasn’t as old as Mam” corrects Matilda, making me grimace.

“Good God Roxy!” exclaims Brian shaking his head in disapproval at me.

“Can we go now?” I ask as Brian heads off down the path towards his car.

I stand on the edge of my doorstep and wonder how on Earth I am going to make it down the path to the car in this restrictive leather outfit. What I need is a little kickstart.

“Matilda” I call out. Can push your Mam out of the door..gently does it!”

Matilda shoves me out sending me careering down the path.

Brian helps me into the car, whilst muttering stuff under his breath.

7.23 p.m We are en route to the Bowling Alley. I think I have lost all circulation to my thighs.

7.28 p.m. Brian is pulling upside the bowling alley and I can see no leather clad rock legend. The only person is some small man with a pony tail who is wearing jeans and a scruffy t shirt.

I wait as Brian scoots round to open the passenger door and pull me out of his car. “I will wait in the car till he turns up. I can’t have you stood on a street corner looking that!” he snaps.

As I try to gain my balance on my huge red stilettos and urge blood to circulate into my leather clad legs a huge motorbike roars past the bowling alley. I shiver with date anticipation as the black monstrous machine flashes by. It must be Gordon. I am raising a hand and giving him a wave. Bless him he must be looking for somewhere to park.

Oh he looks like he has spotted me and is turning round. “Gordon!” I squeal, waving frantically at the leather motorcyclist.

The small man with the ponytail has come over to me. I am tottering away from him as he looks like a dirty student with those ripped jeans, old t shirt and grubby trainers.

My attention reverts back to the road as the motorbike has pulled up. Wow it looks amazing! Not sure how I am going climb on the back without splitting my trousers.

“Gordon!” I squeal tottering at speed towards the biker., who has not removed his helmet.

I can feel a hand on my arm. I am whirling round to see the man with the ponytail.

“You must be Roxy” he says. “I’m Gordon, have you dressed up for me?”

I think he must be a student is on drugs as he is clearly NOT Gordon.

“Go away!” I say still moving towards the biker.

“Roxy stop!” speeches the small man, making me freeze. “I am Gordon”.

The blood drains from my face. “But you are….not what I expected!”

Gordon flicks his eyes to the floor. “I wasn’t truthful!”

“About what? ” I screech.

“Everything. I don’t have a rock band and I don’t have a bike” he mumbles, shifting his weight from one foot to another.

Words fail me.

“Hello gorgeous!” says a deep booming voice. It’s the biker. He’s taken off his helmet and he’s as old as the hills.

“How much do you charge?” asks Granddad on the motorbike.

I shake my head in bewilderment. My inner biker chick fantasy has just evaporated.

“Can we still go on a date?” asks Gordon, tapping me on the shoulder. It is then I notice the state of his hair in that ponytail. Gordon has serious split ends.

I hear Brian’s car door open and I turn round to see Brian rushing towards me. Without saying a word he manoveres me back into his car and we drive away.

Brian my hero!

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 6 The Blind Date #Chicklit #WomensFiction

thediaryof

 

 

Thursday

10.34 a.m. I am struggling to keep my eyes open during our work team meeting. Last night I was up late messaging Kevin – the guy who winked at me on my dating app, earlier in the week.

Kevin, 35, a plumber, has his own business, drives a huge van, is solvent, owns his own house and possesses a hot tub in his back garden. He is looking for something serious and hates infidelity, as his last girlfriend cheated on him. Kevin’s hobbies are socialising, five a-side football and taking selfies of himself in his hot tub. As you can imagine Kevin is ticking a number of my relationship boxes.

Kevin also has a …saucy mind and his messages have got cheekier as the week has wore on. I must say that I am impressed with his vivid imagination.

Tonight Kevin and I are going to be going on our first date which makes my heart race every time I think about it. We are planning to meet in the Red Lion pub in town for a few drinks. In light of our racy messages I am not sure how we are going to control ourselves.

10.45 a.m. I am stifling a yawn as Martin rabbits on about the new office stationary ordering process.

“Have you all read the Powerpoint slides I created about the new process?” asks Martin scanning all our faces. “There are 15 slides with detailed instructions for each stage. Does anyone have any questions?”
Silence. Everyone knows that asking Martin a question at the end of one of his dull presentations inflicts unnecssceary pain on the rest of us.
“I must say that I am very excited about this new stationary ordering process!” exclaims Martin with wide eyes, a huge smile and a sweaty brow.

“We can tell” murmurs Neil, making everyone smirk.

11.33 a.m. My phone bleeps. Its a message from Kevin. It reads ‘Morning sexy!’
An army of butterflies swarms into my chest and I can feel my cheeks starting to heat up at the thought of Kevin, who I must say looks divine on his photo, (in his hot tub), short black hair, a tanned face, piercing dark eyes and a broad chest.

12.06 p.m. I am on my lunch break and I am tottering at speed up the high street. There are a few things on my shopping list:

  • Purchase some bright red lipstick as Kevin says he likes women who wear loud lipstick.
  • Purchase some new shaving cream as some areas of my body are resembling a rain forest.
  • Collect my new contact lenses from the opticians. Today I am ditching my glasses, which Matilda says make me look like one of her older female teachers. I have decided to become a contact lenses wearer which is very exciting.
  • Purchase new bottle of shampoo which Shaz claims makes your hair look and feel like one of those models off the TV adverts.

1.23 p.m. Sat at my office desk checking my horoscopes. Mystic Clive is my favourite astrologer and his predictions can make or break daily life for me. I try to listen to his astrological advice as he is nearly always right. I grab my phone and check out today’s Gemini horoscope. I am praying he says ‘Kiss the face off a tall, dark and handsome stranger tonight!’

Oh….Mystic Clive is saying ‘Have some control today as things have the potential to get out of hand’. I did not plan to have any control over my emotions tonight. Now I am feeling agitated. Mystic Clive has just dampened my dating spirits!

1.56 p.m. Hold urgent counsel of war meeting with Maeve and Brook from Accounts by the drinks machine.

“We left our meeting for you Rpxy – what’s up?’ asks Maeve, giving me a serious look.
“You know I have date with a hot plumber tonight called Kevin?” They both nod.
“I was going to go and enjoy myself but Mystic Clive says I should have some control today” I say, showing them my phone horoscope.
An awkard silence descends upon us. I flick back to Kevin’s photo on my phone.
“It won’t be easy” says Maeve staring at Kevin. “Those speedos leave nothing to the imagination do they?”
Brook shakes her head before saying. “I would struggle!”
“Do you really trust Mystic Clive’s predictions?” asks Maeve.
I nod. “He’s never wrong!”
“Do you like Kevin?” asks Brook.
Maeve exhales louldy and stares at Brook. She points to my phone. “What is there NOT to like about Kevin – Brook? He’s good with his hands, he’s tanned and he has a hot tub!”.

“oh yea!” says Brook and flicks her eyes to the floor.
“Roxy if Mystic Clive has this sort of hold on you than you need to listen to him. You never know this could be a significant change in yoyr dating game plan” says Maeve.
“Whats your current dating game plan?” asks Brook.
Maeve leans in and whispers “Derek!”
“Oh yea!” says Brook.
“So what do I do?’ I ask.
“You play hard to get tonight” says Maeve. “And by doing this you control your emotions!”
I nod and turn to see Marcus the senior manager striding past us to get himself a drink. He gives me an awkward look. Things between Marcus and I have not been the same that kiss over the photo copier.
Maeve smiles at Marcus. “Roxy’s seeing a plumber tonight!” He raises his eyebrows and walks off carrying his drink.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks Brook.
I look away and visualise Kevin and I sat in his hot tub sipping Martinis.
Maeve places her hand on my shoulder. “Roxy, Kevin could be the one! Mystic Clive could be doing you a favour by getting you to stay in control”

6.12 p.m. In the shower make important decision to follow the advice of Mystic Clive and the girls from Accounts. They are right. I need to act cool and calm with him.

6.45 p.m Swan downstairs with goofy smile on my face. Kevin has just messaged to say that he thinks I am probably the most attractive woman over 35 that he has dated..this year.

6.55 p.m. Enter downstairs toilet to put in new contact lenses. Its time to transform into Roxy the contact lenses wearer.

6.57 p.m. Am in eye agony. They don’t feel right.

Hold crisis meeting with Matilda over contact lenses as my eyes start to stream.
“What am I going to do – these don’t feel right. I can’t wear my glasses” I whimper.
“You just need to get used to them” says Matilda scrolling through her phone.
“I look like I am crying!” I exclaim checking my reflection in the hall mirror.
“Males like the emotional female look” says Matilda, still engrossed with her phone.

7.30 a.m Meet Kevin outside the pub.
Euphoria rockets up my spine at the sight of Kevin. He’s tall, dark haired and his tanned skin is almost a mahogany colour. Oh my goodness I want to kiss him.
I remember Mystic Clive’s words – repeats to myself I must stay in control.
“Hello Kevin” I say in a bright and breezy voice.
He smiles before leaning to plant a delicate kiss on my cheek. “Hello sexy!” he whispers.
I let out a little whimper. Repeat in head “must stay in control!”

8.10 p.m. Kevin and I are sat at a little table near the bar. I have managed to keep my distance. Its not been easy or enjoyable as I am fighting huge urge to throw myself at him. Worryingly I am drinking like a fish.
“I find you very attractive” says Kevin.
I smile and wish my eyes were not stinging like crazy. If I am honest being a contact lenses wearer is not all that its cracked up to me.

“Why are you crying?” he asks with a look of concern. I watch as reaches out to gently wipe away a tear from my cheek. He places his warm hand over mine and says “I feel emotional about us too Roxy”
I just nod. I don’t want to ruin his dream with my contact lenses issue.

8.35 p.m Kevin is telling me about his previous girlfriend Sarah who ran off with a neighbour whilst Kevin was in bed with a bad back.
“Infidelity hurts Roxy!” he says with a voice thick with emotion.
“Oh I know Kevin” I say, recalling the pain I went through with Rob and the blonde bar maid.
“It took me months to get over Sarah” he mumbles. “Seeing her with new man broke my heart plus it took a long longer for my back injury to heal”.
“Its awful” I say quietly.
Kevin turns to me. “Its great to have found someone who shares my strong views on being unfaithful”.
I nod blinking away tears of contact lenses pain.
He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. Oh God he smells divine! I must stay in control.
“You seem reserved tonight” he says, taking a strand of my hair and gently placing it behind my ear. “I am worried Roxy!”
Oh no I have made him anxious! His tanned face looks troubled. Curse Mystic Clive and drain glass of wine.

9.01 p.m. Kevin has gone to the bar and I am staggering to the loo. My eye pain has intensified. Something is wrong with my contact lenses. Its time to take drastic action. I remove my contact lenses. The world might be a little bit foggy but at least I won’t be in pain.

I can’t stop thinking about Kevin. He is Mr Right in so many ways. We understand each other on so many levels. Oh God he’s what I have been searching for!
This keeping control business is like some form of dating torture. I don’t think I want to play hard to get anymore.
I must go to him and show him
I am tottering at speed out of the loos.
There are a few men stood at the bar. I can’t make out faces but I feel drawn to the one at the end. Oh Kevin!
I race over, cup my hands around his cheeks and kiss him hard on the mouth.

“What the…?” says a shocked male voice. “Who are you?”
“Thats just what I want to know Gavin!” says an irritated female voice.
“Kevin?” I say, wishing I could see more than a vague outline.
“No its Gavin” whimpers the male voice.
“And I am his WIFE! Can I ask why you are snogging my husband?
“Roxy?” says an agitated Kevin. “What do you think you are doing?”
“Oh Kevin I thought he was you!” I say reaching out for who I think in Kevin.
“I am sorry Roxy but I don’t think is going to work!” says Kevin.
“No!” I cry. “I am new contact lenses wearer and I have been having problems with them”
“I bet she says that to all the strange men she kisses!” snaps the female.
“Goodbye Roxy!” says Kevin.
“Kevin please stay!”
“No Roxy you are bringing back images of Sarah and my back has started to hurt!”
Kevin leaves and I am left standing at the bar.
“Come on Gavin let’s get away from this….woman!” says the female voice.
As Gavin is led away I hear him whisper “great kissing by the way!”