Welcome to my weekly blog series – Heaven Calling
Out every Thursday.
Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry was dating back on Earth. He’d spent two years grieving her but in Camilla’s eyes this was not long enough.
With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel, some soothing harp music and God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates and get him back to mourning her.
Brace yourselves for this week’s part!
Heaven Calling – Part 6
My punishment for performing a scene from the film Dirty Dancing, in God’s special lake, was to be confined to my heaven room for a week, my weather control panel to be confiscated, all visitors to be banned, no heavenly Pinot Grigio and the cloud hole to be covered up.
As you can imagine I have been an absolute delight whilst locked away, with no fun, no wine and no idea about what Gerry is getting up to in the land of the living. The last we heard was that he had dumped Linda Greytstone-Gables as he wanted to play the field. According to Gabriel, Gerry had frantically joined five online dating sites and ordered our daughter Lizzie to knock ten years off his photo on her new photo editing app.
I have spent my week of punishment lying in my heaven bed weeping, eating boxes of chocolate and getting nostalgic. The absence of wine has resulted in me talking for hours about my old life back on Earth.
“Please don’t be naughty again Camilla,” urges Anna, stuffing all my empty chocolate boxes into a heaven recycling bag.
“I’ve not been that bad – have I?”
Anna rolls her eyes. “The crying and chocolate eating we can deal with, however listening to your school sewing achievements nearly made Gabriel and I go insane.”
I scowl and open another box of chocolates.
Today my punishment ends. I can leave my room and the cloud hole is being re-opened. The burning question is what has happened in Gerry’s life whilst I have been locked away?
I remain in my bed, whilst Anna and Gabriel peer into the world of the living.
“He’s got a second date with a TV presenter tonight!” gushes Gabriel, his wings flapping with excitement. “She’s mid twenties and has her own show. Oh my goodness I am so pleased for him…can you imagine how cool that must be?” Anna gives a Gabriel a hard nudge in the ribs and gestures towards me.
I groan, place a pillow over my face and scream. What has happened to my husband Gerry? Why has he turned into a dating magnet for young successful women? Why isn’t he busy erecting a giant bronze statue of me in the garden?
“Hello Team Camilla!” A familiar voice makes me stop screaming and remove the pillow. The sight of Pete’s handsome face makes my heart gallop.
“Oh no here’s trouble!” warns Anna. Pete is the heaven newcomer I befriended last week…in God’s special lake.
Pete grins at me and comes in with a swagger. He perches on the end of my bed.
“What’s up gorgeous?” he says, with a cheeky wink.
I try to scowl and look away. It’s hard to do this when the person you are talking to looks like one of the older male models from a clothing catalogue. I must remember to ask Pete whether he ever did any suit, sportswear or underwear modelling. Anna comes over to Pete. “Gerry’s dating a TV presenter.”
Pete’s face lights up. “Wow – anyone I know?”
Gabriel rises from the cloud hole. “Brooke Swan.”
Pete gasps. “Brooke Swan – she presents that TV show about haunted houses.”
I flick my head towards Pete. “She does what?”
Pete runs a hand through his black hair. “Brooke Swan presents the TV show where they go around haunted houses and try to convince people there are ghosts.”
“Is she attractive?” I look at Pete and then Gabriel.
Gabriel flaps his wings. “She’s got a face for TV.” Pete nods.
I grab the pillow, put my face into it and start screaming again.
Pete stops me by pulling the pillow away from me. “Listen gorgeous I have an idea.”
Anna races to my side. “Don’t listen to him Camilla. We’ve heard his ideas before and they only make you get in God’s bad books.”
Pete places his hand over mine. “Hear me out Camilla..”
Gabriel casts me a concerned look and Anna rubs my arm. “Camilla, please don’t put us through one of your punishments again.”
Gabriel hangs his head of blonde curls. “The tales from your family boating holidays were excruciatingly dull.”
Pete gestures for me to lean into him. I do so and he lifts my hair to whisper “I know a man up here who has a ghost making machine.”
I turn towards Pete and stare at him….before the penny drops. “You mean I could become a ghost and….haunt Gerry?”
Anna and Gabriel gasp.
Pete nods. “Better than that Camilla, you could feature in one of his girlfriend’s TV shows!”
Anna and Gabriel plead me not to do such a thing, but the thought of being a ghost is too powerful. I would love to be a ghost and better still a ghost on TV!
“God won’t be happy with you Camilla!” warns Anna.
For fifty-two seconds I try to be good and dismiss Pete’s naughty idea.
Pete and I are walking briskly through heaven’s corridors to meet the man with the ghost machine. His name is Bill and no one knows how he smuggled it up here.
“Is that it?” I say, pointing at something which does not look like a ghost machine. Bill’s machine looks like a pile of silver junk with a few pipes coming out of it.
Bill looks at his ghost machine. He’s a tiny man with long wispy grey hair and pale blue eyes. “She’s a beauty!”
I scratch my head and stare at the contraption. “So what will happen to me?”
Bill grins. “It will send you back down to Earth as a ghost. You will look like a proper ghost, all silvery and magical. The living world will be able to see you. But the machine will only allow you ten minutes of ghost time. Once your time is up you are back here.”
I rub my hands together with glee. “Do I get any special ghost powers? You know…like walking through walls, sending objects flying across the room?”
Bill gives me an awkward look. “You will only have one special power. I know it might not sound fancy Camilla, but you have to think of the bigger picture. You are going to get to be a proper ghost.”
In my head I am imagining myself flying through the air whilst making dramatic ghost wailing sounds. The look on Gerry’s face, when I make an appearance on his new girlfriend’s TV show, will be one of horror. A rush of excitement shoots up my spine as I picture his new girlfriend being so shocked at my transformation she gives up all TV work.
Bill turns to me. “You will be able to flush a toilet.”
I can feel my shoulders stiffen. “What?”
Bill avoids my glare and carries on looking at his machine.
“A toilet? Let me get this straight Bill, I sit in that thing and turn into a loo flushing ghost?” I exclaim.
Pete places a reassuring warm hand on arm. “Very cool. Think how scary an unexplained loo flush could be for someone living in a haunted house.”
I roll my eyes at Pete and turn back to Bill. “So I can’t walk through walls, throw objects or fly about?”
Bill shakes his head. “Just the magical ability to flush a loo.”
I exhale loudly and try to remain calm. Why does nothing seem to go my way up in heaven?
Pete steers me towards the machine. “Do you want me to come with you?”
I nod my head. “Would you do that for me?”
Pete takes my hand in his. “Anything for you gorgeous.”
Bill comes towards us with a clip board. “My sources tell me Brooke Swan is doing a live ghost watch in a house in Birmingham. Your husband is with her. The machine will drop you both in the house. Are you ready?”
Pete grins. “Lets go Camilla!”
We find ourselves on a small landing upstairs. Voices can be heard downstairs.
“Welcome back viewers!” squeaks a female. Pete nudges me and whispers “that’s Brooke Swan.”
We listen to Brooke talk about the house in Birmingham and how she is positive it’s haunted. She goes on for ages about ghosts, before getting the opinion of a ghost expert from the States.
“Do we float downstairs?” I whisper to Pete.
He shakes his head. “Let them come upstairs. Gerry will be with the film crew.”
“I am going to scare the pants off him!” I say, feeling positive about my ghost state. “He’ll know that I am watching him. Perhaps he will think twice about dating young successful women from the internet, dancing naked in a ring of flowers with wild women and frolicking in fountains with my old school enemies.”
Out of boredom, whilst waiting for the TV show to move upstairs, Pete and I locate the toilet; a small and cramped little room off the landing. I stand and shake my head at it. “I can’t believe this is my only ghost trick. Right now I should be walking through walls.”
Pete places his hands on my shoulders.
“Camilla – I have something to tell you,” he says, in a quiet voice.
I turn around and stare into his twinkling green ghost eyes.
“I think I have fallen in love with you.”
The words make me feel light-headed and a strange tingling sensation consumes my ghost body. “Really?” I whisper.
Pete nods and cups my face with his hands. “I really missed you last week. Couldn’t stop thinking about you!”
I fight against a powerful urge to kiss him. Memories of our time together in the lake come rushing back to me; his strong arms lifting me into the air and giving me my Jennifer Grey moment. Our lips come together.
Pete’s pulling me towards him. His kiss is sensual and long. I don’t think I was ever been kissed like this on Earth. Gerry’s kisses were never like this.
“OMG Viewers – look at this! Two ghosts are actually kissing!” Suddenly Brooke and the film crew are coming up the stairs.
Pete and I pull apart in surprise.
“Hang on – that’s my late wife!” shouts Gerry, in an agitated voice.
I scream, flush the loo and both Pete and I vanish.
There will be more from Camilla and the gang next week.
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