Heaven Calling – Part 4 #Comedy #Fiction #ASMSG

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Welcome to my comedy blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday.

All previous parts can be found by clicking here. 

Blurb…

Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry was dating back on Earth. He’d spent two years grieving her. In Camilla’s eyes this was not long enough.

With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel, some soothing harp music and God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates and get him back to mourning her.

Part 4 is below.

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Heaven Calling Blog Series – Part 3 #Comedy #Heaven #ComedyWriter 

heaven-calling-4

Welcome to my comedy blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore. 

For Part 1 – please click here.

For Part 2 – please click here.

Quick recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry had started dating. He’d spent two years grieving her.

Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel plus God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates from heaven.

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Heaven Calling – Part 2 Fictional Series #Comedy #Marriage #Dating

heaven-calling-4

Welcome to my weekly blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.

For part 1 please click here.

Recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end last week after she made a shocking discovery about her husband, Gerry. He’d decided to start dating after spending two years mourning her. Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

As she had a good working relationship with God and her team of angels, Camilla hoped they would be able to offer some assistance to her, in getting Gerry back to a state of mourning.

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Tina’s Writer Diary – The Film Director #Writer #Comedy

 

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Tuesday

2.00 p.m. I am taking some deep breaths. Keith, my partner, is giving me some odd looks.

As film director of my book trailer video I am responsible for getting the most out of my actress; Melanie (Keith’s new darts partner from the pub) and creating a visual treat for my readers.

I consider myself to be a film expert, I may not have studied film making but I have watched a lot of TV box sets, have a monthly cinema pass and created a lot of unnecessary drama in my life.

A door slams downstairs and interrupts my train of thought. I notice Keith smile to himself.

“Who is that?” I ask Keith.

“It’s my mum” he announces, looking relieved about something.

I let out an inner groan. Keith’s mother, Pamela, always stifles my creativity. She is the last person I need on my makeshift film set.

Melanie squeals “I can’t wait to meet your mum Keith!”

2.03 P.M. Pamela is stood at the doorway to the attic, carrying a plastic tub of food.

“Some curried beef mince for you all!” she says, waving around the tub of brown gooey liquid.

“Hello Pamela, nice to meet you!” gushes Melanie, tottering over to Keith’s mother. “I am Melanie, Keith and One-eyed Bob’s darts team mate!”

Pamela smiles and then looks Melanie up and down taking in her pink stilettos, minuscule brown leather mini skirt, leopard print vest and bright red lipstick.

“Oh Pamela that looks nice!” squawks Melanie pointing to the tub of curried mince.

“It’s Keith’s and Tina’s favourite dish Melanie” gushes Pamela gesturing towards Keith and I. “I like to make sure they have a good supply!”

My neck and shoulders stiffen with Pamela related agitation. When God was handing out culinary skills Pamela was not at the front of the queue. It was a dark day for us all when she stumbled upon the recipe for curried beef mince.

“Thanks and see you later Pamela!” I say pointing towards the door.

“Tina, Keith tells me you are making a film. If this is the case I need to be here!” announces Pamela, crossing her arms and standing firm.

“I think I can film my own book trailer video!” I say guiding Melanie over to the chair.

“Tina I am not leaving!” barks Pamela.

“Keith will you please escort your mother out of the house” I snap.

Keith ignores me and stares at something in the ceiling.

“Looks like I’m staying!” announces Pamela with a look of delight.

2.56 p.m. Melanie has been tied and gagged to the chair for sometime.

No matter how much I urge her to act like she is desperate to escape from the chair she insists on winking at Keith and giggling.

I am getting frustrated. Margaret the cat senses my annoyance and starts to prowl around Melanie’s chair. It makes no difference.

3.05 p.m. “Melanie” I say trying to remain calm. “This is not a comedy!”

3.34 p.m. “For goodness sake give me the camera!” screeches Pamela.

“Get off!” I shout as Pamela tries to grab my camera. “I am the film director Pamela!”

We tussle over the video camera for sometime.  Keith looks away.

“I am sick of watching this circus! Now get her out of the chair and go sit on it yourself!” growls Pamela, snatching the camera out of my hands.

3.42 p.m. I am being tied and gagged by Keith.

Pamela is holding the camera and smirking at me.

“Right then Tina” says Pamela, looking around the attic. “Let’s see whether we can make you angry!”

I squirm in my chair. My heart is beating fast.

What is that annoying woman going to do to me?

Pamela goes over to my draft novel ‘Beautiful & Kidnapped’, picks it up and starts to read.

Anger bubbles inside of me at the sight of Pamela turning over the page.

I watch Pamela’s smirk disappear. It is replaced with a look of intense concentration.

“This is quite good Tina..” she murmurs.

That is it! My rage erupts inside of me. I am sat in this silly chair, unable to move, and my annoying mother in law to be is reading my AMAZING new novel! Aghhhhh!

I knew it was a bestseller. No one has been listening to me. I know what I am doing when it comes to serious fiction.

I thrash about and try to break free from the chair.

“Bingo! This is the look we want!” shouts Pamela quickly pointing the camera at me.

3.51 p.m. I am seething! Pamela is busy reading my draft book whilst Keith is showing Melanie how to throw an imaginary dart.

The camera is still rolling.

3.56 p.m. “Mum do you think we should let her go now?” asks Keith.

Pamela is too engrossed in my draft novel to answer.

3.57 p.m. I am finally set free. I charge over to Pamela and grab my draft book out of her hands.

“That is sooooo good Tina!” gushes Pamela. “I want to read more about evil but incredibly handsome Frank!”

I roll my eyes and check the film.

Fair play to Pamela she has captured an emotional young woman struggling to break free from being tied to a chair.

“This is better than I expected!” I say watching Pamela smile.

Keith is still showing Melanie how to throw an imaginary dart. After catching Margaret the cat’s eye I escort Pamela out of the attic and close the door.

7.23 p.m. Today has worked out well. I am going to be starring in my own amazing book trailer and I have had some positive feedback from Pamela.

“I am in so much pain!” yelps Keith from the sofa. “That cat doesn’t like me. It will take weeks for the claw marks to heal!”

“Melanie escaped. She ran into the street screaming. How did you manage to get out?” I ask, thinking back to the secret enjoyment I got from watching Melanie totter at high speed out of my house.

“Mum’s tub of curried mince. I opened it and waved it at the cat. The foul smell made it pass out!” says Keith.

Photo: Stocksnap

 

When Should You Disturb a Blogger? #BloggingGals #writer #Bloggers

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This is a question which must bug the hell out of the loved ones of bloggers. I am so glad I am covering this vital subject.

If loved ones choose the wrong time to disturb their blogger they could face:

  • A growl
  • A snap
  • A sarcastic comment
  • A huge huffing and puffing fit
  • A blog post written about them.  For noting the loved ones of writers also run the risk of being baked into the writer’s novel, if they disturb and annoy them at a critical time. However novels take months to write and the writer will probably forget and delete at editing. With a blogger they simply press publish and smile sweetly.

Here are some situations when it is NOT advisable for a loved one to disturb a blogger:

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How To Be Romantic With A Writer #AmWriting #writer #ValentinesDay

 

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Here are some great hints and tips on how to be romantic with a writer.

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10 Responses to an Agitated Loved One’s Question “How Much Longer Till This Book is Finished?” #writer #author

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This is a difficult situation to handle for any writer.

Here are some suggested responses on how to handle this tricky question:

1. “It’s on the second draft, I have lots of drafts ahead of me” [sigh and look away]

2. “How much longer till you earn mega bucks so that I can give up work and finish my book?” [raise eyebrows and stare at them]

3. “Patience my precious loved one!” [tap them lightly on the head]

4. Sigh and then bang head against wall. Release all that loved one frustration.

5. “Thank your lucky stars I am not suffering from one of my writer’s block episodes” [finish with a nervous laugh]

6. “How long till you let me off the ironing, washing and house cleaning so that I can finish it faster?” [finish with a cheeky wink at them]

7. “I don’t get this sort of grief from the cat” [shake head disapprovingly]

8. “Have you ever written a book? No? Thought so – enough said!” [tut loudly and look away]

9. “I am busy spinning straw into gold, it’s going to take some time” [give them a sugary sweet smile]

10 “Did you read my post on how I prepare for my weekly 1000 word writing contests? Maybe you should to get a feel for the pain I go through on just putting out a 1000 words…..a novel is like 90,000 words. [place look of horror on your face]

 

 

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/39115922@N05/4364063023″>A guy and a girl</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How To Survive Being Married to a Blogger #Bloggers #BloggingGals

How to Survive Being Married to a Blogger

 

Photo Credit: StockSnap

1. Accept that writing a blog post is more important to your blogger than:

  • Ironing
  • Dusting
  • Emptying the dishwasher
  • Cleaning kitchen cupboards.
  • Tidying the lounge

Not accepting this will lead to marital discord.

2. Accept that your blogger’s self esteem will become linked to their blog’s views, visitors, likes and comments.

3. Never ever comment or question the design of your blogger’s blog. This can be a minefield and you need to tread carefully.

Treat commenting on their blog design in the same way as you would do with commenting on their hairstyle or outfit.

4. Start to listen out for that magic ping of a blogging notification (a ‘like’ or a ‘comment’), bloggers usually cheer up after a ‘ping’ or two. So its best to ask them to do something for you like put a wash on, iron your shirts and tidy up after the kids…’post a ping’.

5. Accept that there will be times when your blogger is deep in ‘creative thought’ and disturbing them could result in them producing a poor blog post. During these creative times its best for you to keep a low profile and concentrate on keeping on top of the housework.

6. When going on a ‘date night’ with your blogger make sure they have access to Wi-Fi. They need to stay in contact with their blog at all times. If you view their blog like its their small child or pet you will not go wrong.

7. Accept that your blogger will bore you silly with their blogging achievements. Pillow talk may need to include an in-depth analysis of their worst performing posts. Caution – don’t give your opinions on what you perceive to be their worst performing blog post, this sort of behaviour will lead to marital discord. They are the expert on blogging now.

8. Accept that your blogger will have unrealistic blogging expectations. In their head they are weeks away from becoming a super pro blogger. Their stats will paint a very different picture.

9. Guest bloggers are like celebrities to your blogger.  Your blogger will shriek loudly and jump into the air when a guest blogger agrees to write them a post. This can happen anywhere; at home, supermarket, car park or the local shop. As soon as this happens you also need to jump into the air in celebration and perhaps then say that you feel a little bit light headed after hearing their earth shattering news.

1o. On a regular basis try to think about how hard it is for your blogger to maintain a successful blog. They are going through their own form of personal hell what with keeping on top of blog administration, making sure links are working, writing posts and checking their stats tool on an hourly basis. Go easy on them!

Happy Blogging all you bloggers 🙂