8.45 A.M. Two things have come into my life; my ex-boyfriend Dan and my youngest son Toby’s new pet rat ‘Bob’.
I can’t say I am happy with the arrival of Bob and I can’t say my landlord Brian is thrilled either. However Bob has stopped Toby talking to his imaginary friend Malcolm. Big sigh of relief!
Brian, my 67 year old landlord, clutched his chest and went an odd grey colour at the sight of Toby’s new pet. I had no other choice but to leap into action and manoeuvre Brian out of the house before he thought too much about Bob. I promised him that Bob the rat will be properly cared for and will never be left unattended to roam free around the house.
Brian staggered off down the path muttering and shaking his head.
Just listening to Toby chat away to Bob in his cage. Its great for kids to have pets. Sigh!
8.47 A.M. I need to get a wriggle on and pack my overnight case.
I am back with my ex Dan.
Jake and I were not really suited to each other. He seemed petrified of me the whole time. I never understood why. Dan is not scared. He likes my kind of crazy!
Dan is taking me away for the night to a fancy hotel. It is a chance for us to celebrate getting back together. Shaz, my best mate, says second time around relationships are great.
I am a bit nervous. I don’t know why but I always end up getting into some sort of drama at fancy hotels. In the past I have avoided them. Rob, my ex, refused to take me to a nice hotel as he said I would end up causing a scene.
Mystic Clive, my favourite astrologer, told me that I had to take a risk this week so I accepted Dan’s gift of a night away with him in a fancy hotel.
10.15 A.M. Still not packed my overnight case. Its lying open on the kitchen table, half full with an assortment of clothes and underwear. I can’t decide what to wear for a posh dinner in a fancy hotel so I am packing at least 4 outfits. Decision will be made later.
Arguing with Matilda, my teenage daughter, about her choice of outfit to the local shopping centre with her friends.
‘It looks like a belt [her skirt] Matilda!’ I shriek pointing in horror at the miniscule strip of denim around her waist.
‘Mam its called fashion!’ Matilda yells back at me.
‘You are NOT wearing THAT and those HUGE heels – NO!’ I scream back at her.
‘I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!’ screeches Matilda.
‘Mam’ says Toby tugging at my arm.
‘Not now Toby’ I say striding after Matilda who is tottering towards the front door.
‘COME BACK HERE!’ I scream at her as she gives me a wink and opens the door.
‘Mam!’ urges Toby.
‘What?’ I snap, still glaring at Matilda.
‘Bob’s gone missing’ whispers Toby.
10.17 A.M. Time grinds to a halt as I flick my head to stare in horror at Toby.
‘Better dash Mam!’ says Matilda seizing her opportunity and slipping out of the door.
‘You promised me he wouldn’t escape’ I say to my nine year old.
‘He was anxious and needed a cuddle’ says Toby.
‘Toby he’s a RAT!’ I scream, ‘rats don’t suffer with anxiety!’
Speaking of anxiety here comes Brian, my landlord, up the path. OMG!
10.19 A.M. Brian has come to fix the loo.
‘How’s the pet Toby?’ he asks as he starts to climb the stairs.
‘He’s asleep in his cage’ I say quickly.
10.23 A.M. Toby and I are on our hands and knees searching the conservatory, whilst calling ‘Bob!’
10.32 A.M. Brian, the landlord wants to see Bob in his cage in the conservatory. My whole body is trembling. If he finds out there is a rat loose in the house the kids and I could be finding another place to rent.
Time for Roxy the actress to make an appearance!
‘Oh Brian I don’t feel very well’ I say putting my hand to my forehead.
‘You do look a bit peaky’ says Brian looking concerned.
‘Think I need to sit down’ I say slumping into a chair, whilst praying Brian will leave the kitchen and not go out into the conservatory to see the empty cage.
I place my head in my hands for maximum impact.
‘Good grief – what is that?’ exclaims Brian.
I can feel the blood drain from my face as I lift my head up, half expecting him to have found Bob the rat in the kitchen.
Brian is stood clutching his chest, looking an odd shade of grey and staring at my overnight case.
To my relief its just my choice of underwear hanging out of the case.
For the second time in a week I quietly manoeuvre my landlord out of my house and watch him walk down the path muttering and shaking his head.
11.10 A.M Brian has left. We still haven’t found Bob the rat.
Toby is crying at the kitchen table.
Harry my other son is on the floor in the kitchen, waving bits of lettuce and shouting ‘BOB!’
2.00 P.M. Still no sign of Bob the rat.
We have been around the house shouting ‘Bob’. I haven’t even had chance to question whether rats answer to their name.
Toby and Harry are being led away snivelling by their father Rob.
3.00 P.M. Dan is outside in the car. I am off for a fancy night in a hotel.
As we pass Brian in his garden I give him a little wave and he looks away.
4.00 P.M. Whilst Dan is getting our room key I decide to head for the bar. I need a little glass of wine to take the edge off my frazzled mental state.
It has been an emotional day with Matilda’s skirt choices and the disappearance of Bob the rat.
I am also worried about my night in this beautiful hotel. It seems far too posh for me and there is always drama where I am concerned.
If anything goes wrong I will blame Mystic Clive.
4.10 P.M. Dan has joined me in the hotel bar. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and asks me whether there is anything wrong.
I explain that things never go right for me in posh hotels. Dan gives me a cuddle and tells me that we will have a wonderful night.
4.15 P.M. My phone bleeps. Its Rob, my ex, telling me that Toby is inconsolable about Bob the rat.
Here comes the mother guilt. I am sat drinking wine with handsome man whilst youngest son is having a breakdown about a lost pet!’
7.23 P.M. Doing my makeup in our hotel room. Dan has already commented how beautiful I look in my dress. He looks very handsome too.
I am stood in the bathroom trying to recreate Kim Kardashian’s contouring look but failing miserably.
‘Good grief what is that?’ screeches Dan from the bedroom.
I groan. What is it with men and my choice of underwear?
Why can’t a girl (woman in her thirties) have nice….colourful…tiny underwear garments?
I drop my makeup brush and race out of the bathroom. Dan is stood white faced by the door.
My eyes fall upon Bob the rat, sticking up out of my case and sniffing the air.
‘OMG it’s BOB!’ I scream!
‘What?? You know the RAT sticking it’s head out of your knickers ROXY?’ shrieks Dan.
I blame Mystic Clive for everything.
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