10 Things To Consider When Writing The First Kiss In A Romance Story #MondayBlogs #ASMSG

 

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The first kiss between the hero and heroine is a huge turning point for a romance story. Up until this point both the hero and heroine will have been denying their true feelings, casting smouldering looks and giving each other weird tingling sensations.

As the writer / author you will have been busy chucking a myriad of life obstacles at your characters, designed to keep them apart and to keep your reader guessing about when they will get their romance fix.

However, there will come a point in the story where the hero and heroine will suddenly find themselves in close proximity of each other. Hearts will start to gallop, hopes will get raised, temperatures will rise and your reader will be standing on their sofa, book in hand, screaming “JUST KISS HER!”

The first kiss is important for a number of reasons:

  • It advances the plot.
  • Gives the reader an indication of how strong the romance between these two characters is going to be. The reader may need to clear their social calendar for the next few evenings if the first kiss is sizzling (nothing worse than socializing when there is a hot romance unfolding in your book).
  • Gives the reader some useful character insight, depending on the character POV.
  • Sparks a change in the characters post kiss. They will want to overcome their life challenges and follow their heart after this.

Here are some things I think you should consider when writing this important part of a romance story:

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Heaven Calling Blog Series – Part 3 #Comedy #Heaven #ComedyWriter 

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Welcome to my comedy blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore. 

For Part 1 – please click here.

For Part 2 – please click here.

Quick recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end after she discovered her husband Gerry had started dating. He’d spent two years grieving her.

Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

With her own team of angel assistants; Anna and Gabriel plus God’s help, Camilla is certain she can influence the outcome of Gerry’s dates from heaven.

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Heaven Calling – Part 2 Fictional Series #Comedy #Marriage #Dating

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Welcome to my weekly blog series – Heaven Calling.

This series is out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.

For part 1 please click here.

Recap: Camilla’s enjoyment of heaven life came to an abrupt end last week after she made a shocking discovery about her husband, Gerry. He’d decided to start dating after spending two years mourning her. Two years felt a little short to Camilla. In view of her amazing wife skills she was expecting Gerry to grieve for at least twenty years.

As she had a good working relationship with God and her team of angels, Camilla hoped they would be able to offer some assistance to her, in getting Gerry back to a state of mourning.

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Heaven Calling – Part 1 New Fictional Series #Comedy #Chicklit #WomensFiction

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Welcome to my new weekly fictional series – Heaven Calling.  

Writing novels is hard and sometimes a writer needs to have a break. This is like a mini break for me. I miss creating a fictional blog series and getting the chance to write a new chapter each week.

This is meant to be a comedy but I am sat here wondering whether anyone will find it funny. If it tanks I will just have to write something else. Sigh.

It will be out every Thursday on BlondeWriteMore.com.

Check out part 1 below.

I hope you enjoy getting to know Camilla and Gerry.

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5 Mythical & Magical Creatures: Dating Pros & Cons #MondayBlogs #Halloween

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I have been wanting to write this post for ages. As it is Halloween, some of these creatures are a bit spooky and my fictional character Roxy is going on date with a possible vampire, I thought today would be perfect for this post.

I can’t be the only one who doesn’t sit and think about what it would be like to date something mythical or magical. I am sure you all must be pondering this too.

Below are 5 mythical & magical creatures with the dating pros and cons for each one. 

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The Diary of Roxy Collins – OMG He’s a Rat #romance #chicklit #MondayBlogs

 

 

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Saturday

8.45 A.M. Two things have come into my life; my ex-boyfriend Dan and my youngest son Toby’s new pet rat ‘Bob’.

I can’t say I am happy with the arrival of Bob and I can’t say my landlord Brian is thrilled either. However Bob has stopped Toby talking to his imaginary friend Malcolm. Big sigh of relief!

Brian, my 67 year old landlord, clutched his chest and went an odd grey colour at the sight of Toby’s new pet. I had no other choice but to leap into action and manoeuvre Brian out of the house before he thought too much about Bob. I promised him that Bob the rat will be properly cared for and will never be left unattended to roam free around the house.

Brian staggered off down the path muttering and shaking his head.

Just listening to Toby chat away to Bob in his cage. Its great for kids to have pets. Sigh!

8.47 A.M. I need to get a wriggle on and pack my overnight  case.

I am back with my ex Dan.

Jake and I were not really suited to each other. He seemed petrified of me the whole time. I never understood why. Dan is not scared. He likes my kind of crazy!

Dan is taking me away for the night to a fancy hotel. It is a chance for us to celebrate getting back together. Shaz, my best mate, says second time around relationships are great.

I am a bit nervous. I don’t know why but I always end up getting into some sort of drama at fancy hotels. In the past I have avoided them. Rob, my ex, refused to take me to a nice hotel as he said I would end up causing a scene.

Mystic Clive, my favourite astrologer, told me that I had to take a risk this week so I accepted Dan’s gift of a night away with him in a fancy hotel.

10.15 A.M. Still not packed my overnight case. Its lying open on the kitchen table, half full with an assortment of clothes and underwear. I can’t decide what to wear for a posh dinner in a fancy hotel so I am packing at least 4 outfits. Decision will be made later.

Arguing with Matilda, my teenage daughter, about her choice of outfit to the local shopping centre with her friends.

‘It looks like a belt [her skirt] Matilda!’ I shriek pointing in horror at the miniscule strip of denim around her waist.

‘Mam its called fashion!’ Matilda yells back at me.

‘You are NOT wearing THAT and those HUGE heels – NO!’ I scream back at her.

‘I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW!’ screeches Matilda.

‘Mam’ says Toby tugging at my arm.

‘Not now Toby’ I say striding after Matilda who is tottering towards the front door.

‘COME BACK HERE!’ I scream at her as she gives me a wink and opens the door.

‘Mam!’ urges Toby.

‘What?’ I snap, still glaring at Matilda.

‘Bob’s gone missing’ whispers Toby.

10.17 A.M. Time grinds to a halt as I flick my head to stare in horror at Toby.

‘Better dash Mam!’ says Matilda seizing her opportunity and slipping out of the door.

‘You promised me he wouldn’t escape’ I say to my nine year old.

‘He was anxious and needed a cuddle’ says Toby.

‘Toby he’s a RAT!’ I scream, ‘rats don’t suffer with anxiety!’

Speaking of anxiety here comes Brian, my landlord, up the path. OMG!

10.19 A.M. Brian has come to fix the loo.

‘How’s the pet Toby?’ he asks as he starts to climb the stairs.

‘He’s asleep in his cage’ I say quickly.

10.23 A.M. Toby and I are on our hands and knees searching the conservatory, whilst calling ‘Bob!’

10.32 A.M. Brian, the landlord wants to see Bob in his cage in the conservatory. My whole body is trembling. If he finds out there is a rat loose in the house the kids and I could be finding another place to rent.

Time for Roxy the actress to make an appearance!

‘Oh Brian I don’t feel very well’ I say putting my hand to my forehead.

‘You do look a bit peaky’ says Brian looking concerned.

‘Think I need to sit down’ I say slumping into a chair, whilst praying Brian will leave the kitchen and not go out into the conservatory to see the empty cage.

I place my head in my hands for maximum impact.

‘Good grief – what is that?’ exclaims Brian.

I can feel the blood drain from my face as I lift my head up, half expecting him to have found Bob the rat in the kitchen.

Brian is stood clutching his chest, looking an odd shade of grey and staring at my overnight case.

To my relief its just my choice of underwear hanging out of the case.

For the second time in a week I quietly manoeuvre my landlord out of my house and watch him walk down the path muttering and shaking his head.

11.10 A.M  Brian has left. We still haven’t found Bob the rat.

Toby is crying at the kitchen table.

Harry my other son is on the floor in the kitchen, waving bits of lettuce and shouting ‘BOB!’

2.00 P.M. Still no sign of Bob the rat.

We have been around the house shouting ‘Bob’. I haven’t even had chance to question whether rats answer to their name.

Toby and Harry are being led away snivelling by their father Rob.

3.00 P.M. Dan is outside in the car. I am off for a fancy night in a hotel.

As we pass Brian in his garden I give him a little wave and he looks away.

4.00 P.M. Whilst Dan is getting our room key I decide to head for the bar. I need a little glass of wine to take the edge off my frazzled mental state.

It has been an emotional day with Matilda’s skirt choices and the disappearance of Bob the rat.

I am also worried about my night in this beautiful hotel. It seems far too posh for me and there is always drama where I am concerned.

If anything goes wrong I will blame Mystic Clive.

4.10 P.M. Dan has joined me in the hotel bar. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and asks me whether there is anything wrong.

I explain that things never go right for me in posh hotels. Dan gives me a cuddle and tells me that we will have a wonderful night.

4.15 P.M. My phone bleeps. Its Rob, my ex, telling me that Toby is inconsolable about Bob the rat.

Here comes the mother guilt. I am sat drinking wine with handsome man whilst youngest son is having a breakdown about a lost pet!’

7.23 P.M. Doing my makeup in our hotel room. Dan has already commented how beautiful I look in my dress. He looks very handsome too.

I am stood in the bathroom trying to recreate Kim Kardashian’s contouring look but failing miserably.

‘Good grief what is that?’ screeches Dan from the bedroom.

I groan. What is it with men and my choice of underwear?

Why can’t a girl (woman in her thirties) have nice….colourful…tiny underwear garments?

I drop my makeup brush and race out of the bathroom. Dan is stood white faced by the door.

My eyes fall upon Bob the rat, sticking up out of my case and sniffing the air.

‘OMG it’s BOB!’ I scream!

‘What?? You know the RAT sticking it’s head out of your knickers ROXY?’ shrieks Dan.

I blame Mystic Clive for everything.

 

For more Roxy please click here

 

How to Write a Holiday Romance #MondayBlogs #romanticfiction #writer

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Photo Credit: Pixabay

In my serialised fictional podcast – The Diary of Roxy Collins, the main character Roxy has flown to Greece to persuade her hell-raising cousin Maggie to return home. The big question is whether there will be some romance for Roxy out in Greece?

I am a BIG fan of holiday romances in films, fiction and in real life too (pre wedlock days obviously). Holiday romances can be both life changing and memorable.

So, as a writer I thought it would be good to capture the key ingredients for bringing your characters together romantically, in a magical and faraway place.

After some extensive research for this blog post (which involved quizzing friends about their holiday romances – very tough!) I have drawn up the five stages for the standard holiday romance.

  1. Holiday Excitement / Go wild. This is the stage where your character realises that they are on holiday and free from the drudgery of normal life. It is an amazing feeling to be stepping onto a golden beach, looking out across a crystal clear blue sea and hearing that little voice inside you whisper “oh my goodness I am on holiday!”. Suddenly you get this powerful urge to go wild! Cue an excited shriek and a leap into the air, quickly followed by an energetic swim, a variety of fancy cocktails, a bit of a dance and topped off with some stinging sunburn and a sore head. Your character needs to let their fictional hair down and start to enjoy themselves. In Roxy’s case she’s rocking her brand new string bikini, ignoring some nagging doubts about those wobbly bits on her thighs, drinking cocktails and dancing on tables. Sigh!
  2. Unexpected Meeting of Potential Holiday Love. This is the stage where your main character will have an unexpected and unplanned meeting with their holiday love. These situations are even more magical when your character has not gone looking for love, as they might have other stuff to do or have more pressing things on their mind. Love needs to take your characters by surprise! In Roxy’s case she’s rescued a couple of times by a handsome stranger, who she initially finds annoying. I love romantic unions which start off with mild irritation.
  3. Holiday Romance. Holiday romances usually start two days before the other person has to fly home, so you have to jam pack – moonlight walks on the beach, kissing over cocktails, reading romantic poetry on a sun lounger and playing endless games of Travel Chess into a cheeky forty eight hours. By the time a holiday romance comes to an end you are normally in need of another holiday to recover…after all that Travel Chess! Sigh! So, during this stage you want to be coming up with an array of romantic activities to keep your reader and characters engaged.
  4. Delusion. This is the stage there you are in the middle of your holiday romance (normally around 6 hrs in!) and delusion strikes!  Your holiday love will live 300 miles away from you back home and might even work at a different time of day or night to you.  This does not stop your imagination from running wild and visualising an idyllic future for you both. Your brain will cleverly miss out the arduous five hour journey to see each other every second weekend, the lonely nights and the stab of jealousy when you see them enjoying a party back at home. So, as your characters both sip cocktails and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes they need to be thinking about how this holiday romance will definitely work back home and how much they adore long distance love.
  5. Heartbreak. Even if you decide to carry on the holiday romance back home there is always heartbreak at the airport. You are both tear stained and clinging onto each other like its your last day on Earth. They promise to write and call you everyday. In my experience your holiday love flies home days before you and the rest of your holiday goes downhill as you can’t face life without them. You end up consoling yourself over a few cheeky cocktails and then falling into the arms of some else  and crying into your pillow. The heartbreak continues as they NEVER contact you again, despite you showering them with letters, poetry and voice mail messages – sigh!  So for a realistic holiday romance you need to be capturing this final stage of heartbreak for your characters. I love a tearful goodbye at an airport. Make your characters fall apart emotionally as they wave farewell to their holiday love.

Please let me know whether your holiday romance carried on back home or were you like me writing War & Peace every week and not hearing a thing?  Obviously this was back in the day  when we sent handwritten letters – sigh.

I hope these handy tips on writing a holiday romance have been useful. I do like to share my own experiences in my blog posts.

Please support a blonde writer and tune into the latest Roxy podcast episode – ten minutes of holiday romance fun!

Start with the ‘The Hero’ Episode which lays the foundations for a holiday romance and then nip into ‘Cocktails, Hangovers and Ankles’ where emotions really run wild.

iTunes – please click here. 

SoundCloud – please click here. 

Have a wonderful day folks!

 

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Tears In The Loo #romcom #Chicklit

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Wednesday

3.16 P.M. I am creeping out of the ladies toilet with red puffy eyes and a handful of tissues.

Just had an emotional breakdown in the loo over:

  • Dan going back to Clara.
  • Being thirty something with three kids, two ex partners, living in a shabby rented house and no sign of Prince Charming.
  • My weight. My wobbly bits are getting bigger. No man is going to find me attractive  and no man is ever going to fall in love with me.
  • Coming to the conclusion that I am a lost cause.

3.18 P.M. Had to nip back into the toilet and go hide in a cubicle as the tears returned. I need to pull myself together. All this upset over a man, my life and my wobbly bits.

I believed Dan when he said Clara was out of his life. I took his word and in my head planned out a wonderful future for us. He betrayed me.

3. 20 P.M. I am once again creeping out of the toilets. By the time I get back to my desk upstairs my eyes will have gone back to normal and no one will know that I have been crying in a toilet.

Keep repeating ‘I must get a grip of myself!’

3. 21 P.M. Turn corner in corridor and bump smack bang into Marcus, my senior manager. The one who I kissed over a photocopying machine at a Christmas party last year and the one who saved me in the cinema from my vampire date, a few weeks ago.

Avert eyes to the floor.

‘Are you ok Roxy?’ he asks softly.

This is the worst thing anyone can say to me when I am trying to stop being emotional.

I can’t hold it back.

Here it comes. A huge wave of tears, loud sobbing, inability to get my breath and a runny nose.

3.24 P.M. Marcus has escorted me to a quiet area of the staff canteen. He’s cancelled his meeting and has gone to buy me a coffee.

I am sat telling myself to get a grip. Crying in front of senior management is basically like hailing a ‘career taxi!’

3.27 P.M. Marcus has amazing blue eyes. He’s talking to me and I am distracted. Why haven’t I noticed these before?

Oh yea – I was drunk at the Christmas party and we have both been avoiding each other ever since.

Make decision in head not to go into detail about the reason for my upset. I must remember he’s a senior manager and he doesn’t need to know about my problems.

3.31 P.M. Ok so I am now telling him everything. All the stuff with Dan comes out, my fears of being a spinster and my wobbly bits.

Oh God I have just told my senior manager I have wobbly bits that are getting bigger!

3.35 P.M. Marcus is being sweet. He says that I am bound to find someone else and that I need to stay positive.

3.36 P.M. Just asking him how his dating life is going. I think it’s fair that he gives me an update too.

All the females in the office know Marcus is on the dating apps. He is so attractive for an older man.

We all sit and talk about what we would do if someone like Marcus liked or winked at us on a dating app. The majority of single women in the office reckon they would wet themselves in shock and a small minority say that they would run out into the street screaming.

3.37 P.M. His dating life is not going very well. It hasn’t been doing that well for over a year he says, looking at me with those sparkling blue eyes.

3.38 P.M. He says there is someone he has his eye on but its complicated. There would have to be some changes in his life and he’s not sure whether that person feels the same way.

3.39 P.M. I watch his lips move as he tells me about his feelings for this person.

For a moment I am back against the office photocopier kissing him like crazy whilst printing out 100 stapled copies of some poor junior’s report.

3.45 P.M. Walking back to the office. Marcus has left me as he has a meeting.

As we parted in the corridor there was a weird silence between us. I can’t explain it but it was like he wanted to tell me something but couldn’t find the words.

I thanked him for the coffee and made no photocopying offers.

7.56 P.M. Having my hair done in my lounge by Wayne my mobile hairdresser.

I am sat eating a huge bar of chocolate whilst Wayne eradicates my grey hairs and makes me a brighter shade of red.

This is what you do after a relationship falls apart; dye your hair and eat chocolate.

My wobbly bits are a lost cause. I might as well enjoy myself.

‘So Roxy tell your Uncle Wayne everything!’ says Wayne, whilst performing some hair magic using some bits of foil and a foul smelling substance.

I download everything about Dan and I.

‘Nasty business. I wouldn’t have trusted him with that Clara woman’ says Wayne, shaking his head in disapproval.

‘Thanks Wayne’ I say, before wedging a huge chunk of chocolate into my mouth.

‘So when are you getting back on the dating apps?’ asks Wayne, grinning at me.

‘I don’t think I am destined to be with someone’ I say, letting out a sigh and reaching for more chocolate.

‘Rubbish Roxy!’ snaps Wayne, tapping me on the hand as though I am a naughty child stealing chocolate.

‘You are a beautiful and vivacious red head. It would be a waste, a travesty  if you were left on the shelf!’ he cries.

‘I don’t think I can face another relationship’ I moan, feeling tired at the thought of getting close to someone else and being heartbroken again.

‘Nonsense!’ barks Wayne. ‘Get out your phone now, log in and we can have a little nose at who is out there!’

‘No Wayne I can’t!’ I whimper, feeling tears prick my eyes.

Wayne stops fiddling about with my hair and bits of foil. He stands directly in front of me with his hands on the hips of his silver metallic jeans.

‘Excuse me Roxy!’ he screeches. ‘You are NOT giving up on love! Your hair is going to look amazeballs  and you are one hot lady!’

‘I am destined to be a spinster!’ I cry.

‘You will be if you don’t stop snivelling and get back out there Roxy, now come on where is your fighting spirit?’ cries Wayne, glaring at me.

I reach across to the coffee table and grab my phone.

Wayne squeals as I open up my favourite dating app.

Marcus is staring back at me from the dating app. His profile is on my list of suggested dates.

‘Whoa who is that hunk?’ asks Wayne staring over my shoulder. ‘My goodness he looks just like George Clooney!’

‘That’s …Marcus…my senior manager’ I say feeling an odd fluttery sensation inside my chest.

‘You are one lucky girl working for him!’ says Wayne before letting out a sigh.

I find myself gazing into Marcus’s eyes and wondering whether he remembers our kiss.

 

There will be more from Roxy next week.

She’ll be coming to an end soon as I need to turn her into a book and a podcast!!

Yes folks I have plans to make Roxy into a comedy podcast.

I will keep you all updated. 

Photo: Shutterstock

 

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 27 The Sign #chicklit #romance

 

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Saturday

8.15 P.M. Dan and I are on our hands and knees, trying to coax out my son Toby’s pet rat Bob from underneath the bed in our luxury hotel room.

My hopes of a romantic evening with Dan were dashed when my son’s pet rat decided to be a stowaway in my overnight case.

‘I think we’ll need to move the bed’ I say peering underneath it.

‘I’d forgotten how crazy life is with you Roxy!’ exclaims Dan, scratching his head.

‘I think I’m jinxed when it comes to posh hotels. I did warn you’ I say.

Dan’s phone bleeps. He reaches in his trouser pocket and checks it.

Bob the rat starts squeaking from underneath the bed.

‘Well come out then you silly rat!’ I exclaim in my shrill mother voice which works well on children and ex-partners, never tried it on furry creatures, until now.

Dan is still looking at his phone.

‘Why don’t you search Google for ideas on how we can catch a rat in a hotel room?’ I suggest.

Dan seems preoccupied and continues staring at the screen of his phone.

I go back to calling  ‘Bob….here Bob….come to Roxy!’

8.20 P.M. Bob the rat makes a run for it. I shriek at Dan. ‘Get him!’

Dan jumps out of his skin at the sight of Bob scurrying across the floor.

Sometimes in life a woman has to step in because her man is backed up against a wall trembling in fright.

Grabbing my white hotel towel robe, which is lying on the bed, I chuck it over Bob and then quickly scoop him up in it.

‘What are you going to do now?’ shrieks Dan, pointing at the wriggling rat in my towel robe.

‘We need to get him home’ I say. ‘Grab your car keys and lets go!’

‘Are you serious?’ cries Dan. ‘He’ll escape in my sports car!’

‘Trust me I am used to dealing with rats!’ I say, securing my grip on Bob, who has calmed down in my arms.

‘How  are we going to get out of the hotel with a rat?’ shrieks Dan, running his hands through his hair.

‘Empty my case quick!’ I say gesturing towards the bed.

Dan makes some odd faces at my underwear selection as he places my stuff onto the bed.

I place Bob in my pink fluffy overnight case, leaving the zip open a bit so he can breathe.

Dan and I then leave our room and head for the car.

8.45 P.M. Pull up outside my house. Grab pink fluffy suitcase with rat inside and totter into house at speed.

Open Bob’s cage and place him inside. Lock the cage and wipe brow.

Sometimes I amaze myself at the situations I get out of.

8.47 P.M. Dan is stood in my kitchen checking his phone.

I thought I checked my phone a lot. Must be football related.

‘Right shall we go back to the hotel?’ I ask checking my silver dress from River Island still looks amazing.

Now that Bob the rat is back home I can get on with having some romance.

Dan seems engrossed with his phone.

He looks so handsome in his smart grey suit, standing with his back against the fridge freezer.

8.48 P.M.  Just imagining Dan stood at the church waiting for me on our wedding day.

I can feel a little burst of happiness shoot through me. We are back together and we will probably get married, move into some posh house and make some beautiful babies.

Hang on I already have three older babies and he has two older babies.

8.49 P.M. Still gawping at Dan and debating (in my head) whether we will have kids together.

Make decision to stop thinking about having more kids.

There has been no mention of Clara, Dan’s best friend, who I have assumed is nearly married by now. Dan has been telling me how much she’s changed with her new man.

All my previous worries and insecurities about Clara have gone.   Dan chose me.

This feels too good to be true but I am going to go with it.

Roxy Collins is finally in a relationship! Yay!

Roxy Collins is going back to a fancy hotel for the night with her man! Yay!

Roxy Collins will soon be married! Yay!

Bob squeaks from his cage.

‘You can keep quiet!’ I whisper to Bob. ‘You nearly ruined my night of passion!’

‘Dan?’ I say.

Bob continues to squeak at me. I smile to myself as I recall Toby telling me the other night that Bob gives him secret messages via squeaks.

When I probed further into this communication with his pet rat it became apparent that Bob mainly tells him to fight his brother Harry, hide his sister Matilda’s make-up and refuse to eat vegetables at dinner time.

Toby insists that Bob the rat can communicate. I glance at Bob squeaking like mad at me from his cage.

‘Dan’ I say a bit louder. I wish he would put that phone away as I am going stir crazy thinking about our future children and whether my son’s rat can communicate with humans.

I need a drink and some romance!

Dan nods. We leave the kitchen and I can still hear Bob squeaking like mad.

‘What’s wrong with the rat?’ asks Dan.

‘Toby swears the rat gives him secret messages’ I chuckle. ‘Ignore him. Now drive me back to that hotel for some romance!’ I say taking Dan by the arm.

He opens the front door for me and cries ‘come on Clara! Let me get you back to our hotel!’

8.53 P.M. Time has stopped. I am rooted to the spot, mouth open, staring at Dan.

‘What’s the matter?’ he asks holding open the door.

‘You called me Clara!’ I snap, feeling blood start to sizzle in my veins.

‘I didn’t!’ he cries.

‘You did Dan!’ It’s amazing how fast tears can well up in my eyes.

‘Roxy I didn’t say Clara!’ he says, his voice tinged with irritation.

His phone bleeps again.

‘Is that Clara?’ I demand as the penny drops inside my head.

He looks away.

‘Dan what’s going on? You have been odd since we got in the hotel room.’ I demand, sensing trouble.

I watch as he rubs his face and looks away.

I can feel the blood draining from my face.

Bob is still squeaking from his cage.

‘I’m sorry I can’t do this Roxy….. I’m so sorry’ whispers Dan, avoiding my gaze and looking down at his shoes. ‘I thought Clara and I were just best friends but…..she’s been texting me tonight and she says….’

‘GET OUT!’ I scream. I knew it was too good to be true.

That woman Clara has her claws dug so deep into him.

I wish he’d never come back into my life.

Tears are streaming down my face as I shove him out.

9.56 P.M. I am sat in the conservatory with a bottle of red wine, a large glass, a box of tissues and a squeaking rat, sat in his cage.

Dan brought my suitcase from the hotel. He tried to explain on my doorstep about how she’s messed with his head. I ignored him and closed the door.

‘Oh Bob!’ I sob. ‘I should never have gone back with Dan!’

Bob squeaks in agreement.

‘Ex boyfriends are bad for my health!’ I cry wiping away hot tears.

Bob squeaks in agreement.

‘I am going to be a sad and lonely old spinster!’ I sob.

Bob stops squeaking. I think this means something.

Loud wail followed by huge slurp of wine.

For more Roxy please click here

The Diary of Roxy Collins – Part 25 The Ex-Boyfriend #ChickLit #comedy

thediaryof

Tuesday

6.54 P.M. I have summoned a ‘Dating Council of War.’ My new relationship with Jake is on my mind.

Shaz and I are sat on my sofa, working our way through a box of Cadbury’s Milk Tray whilst assessing my dating predicament.

‘Jake seems petrified of me’ I say, recalling our last date where I practically forced him to hold my hand and kiss me.

I turn to Shaz who is devouring a Strawberry temptation chocolate. ‘Are you listening to me?’

She nods with a mouthful of chocolate. ‘Jake’s lovely looking, wears decent clothes and he seems nice but every time we are together he has this ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ sort of look.’

Shaz frowns before saying, ‘I can’t think why he’d be scared of you Roxy. Maybe he just wants to take things slow.’

I roll my eyes at her. ‘We have been on three dates and we’ve only given each other a peck on the lips. Nothing else!  There has been no passionate snogging and no sweaty fumbling.’

Shaz turns to me, her eyes widening. “You have had your third date and there has been no sweaty fumbling?  Sorry Roxy, I didn’t realise things were so bad. Crikey this is new territory for you.’

I take a Fudge Duet from the Milk Tray box. ‘Ok so I admit on our first date Matilda went missing and things got a bit stressful. On our second date he arrived when both Jon and Rob were collecting the kids. Rob made a joke about Jake being lucky number three, which no one found funny. But on the third date everything was fine…well almost fine.’

Shaz gestured for me to go on.

‘I tried to devour him in his car, which he didn’t like and one of his neighbours knocked on the window as she thought he was being attacked.’

I watch as Shaz shakes her head. ‘That doesn’t sound good. Listen have you had the conversation yet Roxy?’

The conversation is a key dating stage and one that I dread. Basically you ask your date whether you are officially an item.

If they agree, then you both close down your dating apps,  spend at least three nights a week with them and update your status on Facebook.

In my experience when I have asked the question to my dates, about whether we are an item they usually respond in one of the following ways:

  • I receive a nod (very rare!)
  • I receive a blank look and a noncommittal shrug.
  • They make a swift change of subject and avoid eye contact.
  • All texts from them stop as well as all other forms of communication. (Sadly very common)

This conversation screams ‘I want commitment!’ and can send them running for the hills.

‘Do you want your relationship with Jake to turn into something more serious?’ asks Shaz, licking chocolate from her fingers.

I sink into the sofa. ‘He’s got lovely big hands, he drives a large estate car and he’s got no female best friends. I also think he’ll love the kids, once he gets over his fear of them.’

Shaz casts me a puzzled look. ‘He’s scared of your kids too?’

I nod. “He refers to them as wild.’

Shaz grins. ‘Yes he’s got a point.’ She picks out another chocolate. ‘Maybe this shy thing is a sexy ploy and on your next date he’ll suddenly turn into that bloke out of Fifty Shades.’

I pop an Orange Truffle into my mouth and consider Shaz’s suggestion. ‘I should be so lucky! Have you ever been out with a shy man?’

Shaz shakes her head. ‘Roxy – can you imagine me dating a shy man?’

I can see her point. ‘Maybe if I have the conversation with him and confirm our couple status he might change?’

Matilda, comes to join us in the lounge.

‘Matilda should your Mam have the conversation with Jake?’ asks Shaz.

‘Dunno. He’s a bit quiet for Mam’ says Matilda, flicking through one of her glossy fashion magazines.

‘Your Mam thinks he’s scared of her’ laughs Shaz.

‘Boys are scared of me’ says Matilda, letting out a sigh. ‘It must run in the family!’

I give Matilda and a knowing look. ‘Tim, your sixth form friend doesn’t seem scared of you’ I say, remembering catching sight of Matilda kissing him on the doorstep the other night. I had to restrain myself from chucking a bowl of cold water over both of them and yelling at Tim to leave my angel like  teenage daughter alone.

‘Oh he was Mam!’ she gushes. ‘He took a lot of persuading’ she sighed.

‘TO DO WHAT?’ I shriek glaring at her.

In my head I reassure myself by saying ‘all teenagers exaggerate!’

‘Must dash, homework calling!’ Matilda says scooting upstairs.

7.56 P.M. A message suddenly appears in my Facebook messenger app. I gasp and Shaz, in a panic, reaches for a bag of wine gums.

‘OMG it’s from Dan!’ I say with a look of surprise.

Dan. The handsome guy who I met in Greece whilst trying to persuade my hell raising cousin Maggie to return home.

Our romance came to an abrupt end shortly after I was introduced to his beautiful, but evil, best friend, Clara

‘He says he is in the area Friday night and wants to meet up’ I say casting Shaz a worried glance.

Shaz glares at me. ‘Stay away from that rat!’

‘He says he misses me’ I mumble.

Shaz snatches the phone out of my hands. ‘Roxy, Dan was a total rat to you. He messed you around so much you had to shove a cake in his best friend’s face.’

I take my phone back from her. ‘I know but…..’   Shaz waves her hand at me. ‘No buts Roxy, you cannot get back together with Dan. No!’

‘He says he’s changed!’ I groan, staring at his second text.

Shaz raises her hands in exasperation. ‘They all say they have changed. It’s the postman’s favourite line when he comes knocking at me door with my gas bill. I know he says that because the blonde on the new housing estate found out I was expecting his baby and kicked him out.’

I can’t stop the happy memories of Dan and I in Greece flood my mind. ‘He deserves a second chance.’

Shaz grabs hold of my arm. You have the conversation with Jake ASAP!’

‘What…really?’

‘Once you have the conversation with Jake everything will fall into place’ Shaz says. ‘You will be in a relationship and away from that loser.’

I think about what Shaz has just said. ‘You are right. If Jake says we are a couple I will not see Dan.’ I try to ignore the way my heart starts to gallop at the mention of his name.

8. 13 P.M. Shaz is urging me to call Jake and have the dreaded conversation. She can sense I am wavering. A couple of times she’s caught me staring at Dan’s texts.

‘Do you think it’s too early to have the conversation?’ I ask.

Shaz gives me one of her scary best friend faces. ‘DO IT!”  ‘It’s never to early Roxy!’

Dan sends me another text making me jump. ‘Oh he says he can’t stop thinking about my wobbly bits.’

I hear my best friend let out a cry of frustration. ‘The postman tells me he can’t stop thinking about my Beyonce walk into the bedroom but I know he’s just creeping back because he has nowhere to live.’

‘Your Beyonce walk into the bedroom?’ I raise my eyebrows.

Shaz smiles. ‘I put on some heels and strut my stuff just like Beyonce did in that ‘Crazy in Love’ song. I look like I mean business.’

I scratch my head. ‘Maybe I should try that on Jake?’

Shaz places her hand on my arm. ‘Let’s get over the shy bit first.’

Wednesday

1.25 P.M. Jake and I finally speak on the phone. I am feeling brave so I ask him.

Would you say we are a couple now Jake?’ I ask casually, crossing my fingers and toes.

He goes silent on me and then changes the subject. The phone call ends shortly afterwards.

Thursday 

12.34 P.M. Jake is acting odd.

Communication has broken down between us.

12.35 P.M. Dan sends me a flurry of texts telling me what he’d like to do to me if we were alone together. Sweaty fumbling is guaranteed.

12.45 P.M. Start dating discussion with half the office in the canteen at lunch. I am swayed by Julie from Accounts, she explains how she went back to her ex boyfriend, married him and now lives in a fancy four bed roomed house on the nice side of town.

Under the table I text back and agree to a date with Dan.

Friday

7.45 P.M. I am on my way to meet Dan. Earlier I lied to Shaz and told her I was going to meet Jake. This is the first time I have lied to her about a man. I guess I am desperate for a four bedroomed house on the posh side of town and a sweaty fumble.

There has been no word from Jake. Once again having the conversation has ruined my dating life.

I grip the bus seat in front. Who wouldn’t want commitment with me? I am a fiery redhead with a big heart, a love of singing Cher songs, three kids and some wobbly bits.

8.20 P.M. Dan looks hotter than ever in a fitted navy shirt and blue jeans. He’s been working out as his arms look thicker and muscular. I can’t stop staring into his eyes and that boyish smile of his making me feel hot. Oh my goodness what a stunner!

I have just drained my glass of wine and reminded myself that he’s my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart.

8.24 P.M. He says he’s really missed me and wants me to be his girlfriend again.

Order second glass of wine.

Dan clears up the old issue immediately by announcing that Clara is in a serious relationship and he hardly sees her.

8.36 P.M. Dan smells divine. I am struggling to stop leaning into him.

Must regain control of myself.

8.45 P.M. I can’t stop looking into Dan’s eyes. Why do ex boyfriends do this?

Decide to hold back and assess the situation tomorrow in the cold light of day. The thing with Jake is still on my mind. I am going to resist hunky Dan. Yes – good idea Roxy!

Order a third glass of wine to reward myself for my sensible thought process.

8.47 P.M. I am kissing Dan like crazy. I hate making dating decisions that I cannot stick too.

11.15 P.M. Just enjoyed a sweaty fumble in a taxi with Dan. He wants to see me again and is going to book us a fancy hotel.

Feel a twinge of guilt for Jake.

11.16 P.M. I am tottering up my garden path and my phone has just bleeped. It’s a text from Jake:

‘Yes I do want you to be my girlfriend x’

Silent scream!