Job: Vacancy: The Writer’s Teenage Offspring
About The Role:
An exciting opportunity has arisen for a teenager to help support their writer parent throughout their literary journey.
Hours:
Can vary each week and will be dependent upon:
- Hormone levels of the teenager (and their female writer parent).
- The state of the teenager’s bedroom.
- Teenage skin outbreaks.
- The teenager’s financial situation.
- The teenager and their writer parent’s love of social media. Hours of work will be dictated by the teenager’s love of Snapchat and their writer parent’s obsession with Twitter.
- The teenager’s social life.
- Whether or not their writer parent is required to give the teenager a lift in the next half hour.
Location:
- The job will be based in the family home.
Key Duties / Responsibilities:
- Must be able to show minimal interest in their writer parent’s work.
- Must be able to eye roll and mutter “OMG this is so embarrassing,” under their breath when their writer parent is talking about their latest idea for a story.
- Must be able to remain asleep whilst their writer parent is downstairs having an emotional breakdown over their latest draft.
- Must be able to show empathy to their writer parent when they are stressing about not getting any social media love. The teenager will know how this feels.
- Must be able to refuse point-blank to share their writer parent’s latest blog post or tweet.
- Must be able to tell their writer parent to “get a grip” after receiving a rejection.
- Must be able to spot a typo in the first sentence of their writer parent’s latest draft which, according to their parent, is a typo free triumph. The identification of the typo must be followed with an eye roll and a “duh!”
- Must be able to moan in bookshops about the length of time their writer parent is taking to buy a book and the amount of ‘teenage clothes shopping’ time being wasted.
- Must be able to make endless cups of tea and coffee for their writer parent.
- Must know when to put the biscuit tin on the tea-tray.
- Must know when to give praise on their writer parent’s work – usually half hour before a lift is needed.
- Must be able to eye roll and cast a look of desperation when their writer parent makes a big family announcement about changing literary genres.
- Must be able to bring tears to their writer parent’s eye when they admit they are secretly proud of all their achievements.
About You:
- You will be an expert at sleeping.
- You will have an answer for everything.
- Your tea and coffee-making skills will be world-class.
- You will excel at eye rolling and sarcasm.
- You will love Snapchat.
- You will not follow your writer parent on any form of social media and in some cases you may decide they are too ‘cringeworthy’ and block them.
Salary:
- Paid via the salary of love, cash and lifts.
Perks:
- You might get a line dedicated to you in the acknowledgements section of your writer parent’s novel.
- You will get the kudos of saying in school your mother or father writes [enter chosen genre] fiction. Sigh!
- You will never be short of reading material.
- Your life will never be dull!
- You will always get an invite to your writer parent’s book signing event…as long as you buy a copy with your weekly allowance and don’t spend the entire time on Snapchat 😊
Have a great day, writers!
Haha, this is really amazing!!
You should be able to roll eyes and say ‘OMG this is so embarassing, lol!!
Hey thx for this 👏🏻
Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.
Thank you 🙋🏼
Rolling of the eyes certainly signifies teenage years have become 😀 Fun post!
Hahaha
I should give this to my 12 year old as he will be able to apply soon! 😉
Sigh! Thx Ritu
😊
Haha it’s almost like you have direct experience of living with a writer’s teenage offspring already haha. Bless them!
I do – 14 is a great age – sigh!
I’m dreading it. Still at least she’ll be able to show me how to use Snapchat!
Reblogged this on anita dawes and jaye marie.
Thank you 🙋🏼
Thank God that me and my teenage offspring have moved past all of this, although not sure ‘passive indifference’ is any better!
Lol! Thx for reading. I am in the teenage trenches so know this ground well 🙈
“Must be able to refuse point-blank to share their writer parent’s latest blog post or tweet.” Now that truly is life with a teenager. I think it’s at this point that said “blocking” will appear as well.
Yep! Both my daughters have blocked me 😂
Omg I love this!
Thank you 🙋🏼🌈
HAHA! My 14-year-old daughter fits the bill perfectly, the only difference being she shared the one blog post on social media where I made fun of the school Christmas concert, things got ugly then! 🙂
Omg you have made me chuckle! Thx for this 🌈 My 14 year old daughter is at such an interesting age.
Yes, it certainly is an interesting age, Lucy! 🙂
Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog.
Thanking you kindly mighty Ape! 👍🏻
Welcome, Talented Writing Human 😀
Charmer! 😂
LOL
Reblogged this on Die Erste Eslarner Zeitung – Aus und über Eslarn, sowie die bayerisch-tschechische Region!.
I get it. Being a parent (and the “writer’s female offspring”) has unparalleled benefits, but I don’t have that superhuman patience and selflessness 😉
I think Offspring would rather clean the garage than tell anyone I write. He’ll tell them I do fx makeup and would be thrilled to do makeup for the school play, of course, and volunteer me to make crepes for his French class…
Lol – thx for reading 🙂
Just forwarded this to my daughter. She’s thirty but a lot of the requirements are, helpfully, still the same. 😉
Lol Caron! Thx for dropping by 😎
This is great. I have 2 doing the job now.😉
Have a great week, Lucy!
Lol Kimberly – you are lucky 😎