Job: Vacancy: The Writer’s Teenage Offspring
About The Role:
An exciting opportunity has arisen for a teenager to help support their writer parent throughout their literary journey.
Can vary each week and will be dependent upon:
- Hormone levels of the teenager (and their female writer parent).
- The state of the teenager’s bedroom.
- Teenage skin outbreaks.
- The teenager’s financial situation.
- The teenager and their writer parent’s love of social media. Hours of work will be dictated by the teenager’s love of Snapchat and their writer parent’s obsession with Twitter.
- The teenager’s social life.
- Whether or not their writer parent is required to give the teenager a lift in the next half hour.
- The job will be based in the family home.
Key Duties / Responsibilities:
- Must be able to show minimal interest in their writer parent’s work.
- Must be able to eye roll and mutter “OMG this is so embarrassing,” under their breath when their writer parent is talking about their latest idea for a story.
- Must be able to remain asleep whilst their writer parent is downstairs having an emotional breakdown over their latest draft.
- Must be able to show empathy to their writer parent when they are stressing about not getting any social media love. The teenager will know how this feels.
- Must be able to refuse point-blank to share their writer parent’s latest blog post or tweet.
- Must be able to tell their writer parent to “get a grip” after receiving a rejection.
- Must be able to spot a typo in the first sentence of their writer parent’s latest draft which, according to their parent, is a typo free triumph. The identification of the typo must be followed with an eye roll and a “duh!”
- Must be able to moan in bookshops about the length of time their writer parent is taking to buy a book and the amount of ‘teenage clothes shopping’ time being wasted.
- Must be able to make endless cups of tea and coffee for their writer parent.
- Must know when to put the biscuit tin on the tea-tray.
- Must know when to give praise on their writer parent’s work – usually half hour before a lift is needed.
- Must be able to eye roll and cast a look of desperation when their writer parent makes a big family announcement about changing literary genres.
- Must be able to bring tears to their writer parent’s eye when they admit they are secretly proud of all their achievements.
- You will be an expert at sleeping.
- You will have an answer for everything.
- Your tea and coffee-making skills will be world-class.
- You will excel at eye rolling and sarcasm.
- You will love Snapchat.
- You will not follow your writer parent on any form of social media and in some cases you may decide they are too ‘cringeworthy’ and block them.
- Paid via the salary of love, cash and lifts.
- You might get a line dedicated to you in the acknowledgements section of your writer parent’s novel.
- You will get the kudos of saying in school your mother or father writes [enter chosen genre] fiction. Sigh!
- You will never be short of reading material.
- Your life will never be dull!
- You will always get an invite to your writer parent’s book signing event…as long as you buy a copy with your weekly allowance and don’t spend the entire time on Snapchat 😊
Have a great day, writers!